tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906509082956793002024-03-12T21:04:37.435-04:00knackeredmamamy life as a mom, a very tired mom, who is now a single momknackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-72298359159975251762013-05-18T22:43:00.001-04:002013-05-18T22:43:40.446-04:00I Think it is Time to Start Up AgainWow, it has been a long time, I have missed you Knackeredmama, you really helped me get through what was the hardest time in my life so far. Many many times over the last year and a bit, I have wanted to talk, but it has not been my priority. So, I am going to catch you up.<br />
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The boys are good, and beautiful and absolutely crazy and just oh so amazing. BBJ1 is in junior kindergarten and really likes school. They are in a different day-care, an in-home one close to the school. They are at the park every morning with their day-care and love it. BBJ1 sleeps well once he is asleep. BBJ2 is a nightmare at bed-time, rarely asleep before 10pm. They are energy vampires, leaving me exhausted by noon on Saturdays, but they fill my heart.<br />
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Work has been a lot, I have travelled a lot, averaging about a week (Sunday - Friday) each month. The job has been stressful, but at the same time I am doing well and getting on. My mom has stayed with the boys while I have been away. It is kind of awesome, they have a pretty good relationship, they are closer than I ever was to my Grandmothers. My mom is retired and I think spending so much time with 2 crazy little rug-rats is keeping her young. It is hard though, they miss me tons when I am away, as soon as they know i will be going away they start acting badly. It takes a week after I get home for them to be normal again.<br />
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Life has been a lot. I feel like my life is a rat-race, there is no time for anything. I am treading water all the time. Tonight after I left the boys' room, I sat in my room for a few minutes going through e-mail (woohoo, exciting Saturday night eh?), when I walked out to the kitchen and looked through to the dining room, I almost went back to my room to hide, such a disaster.<br />
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The boys' father is not around at all, hasn't seen them for a year now. While it angers me to no end that he isn't there for them, it also really makes things easier for me.<br />
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I have a new friend in my life, for about a year now. The new friend makes me feel good, is very supportive, and is very good with my boys. It turns out I am alive, and happy.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-89955883967535279192012-01-07T18:34:00.001-05:002012-01-07T18:35:13.273-05:00PEE!! It's Everywhere It's EverywhereI hate potty/toilet training! I hate pee, or worse poop being anywhere except in the toilet or in a diaper. I have been unbelievably horrified and traumatized over the last couple of years by this process, and am so scared of it all happening again with BBJ2. However, some of the stories are a teeny bit funny, even to me.<br />
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When BBJ1 was a baby I read every book about babies from the local library, one of them was about how you don't need to wait until they 'are ready' to toilet train, that in fact you can toilet train a 6 month old. So I tried when he was about 8 months old, not a success but not a disaster. He seemed almost ready just before turning 2, but BBJ2 was coming and I didn't bother because I kept reading that most children that age will revert after a sibling is born, so what was the point? There was a week shortly after BBJ2 was born when he started using the potty, it was the week that his Nanny was here to help. As soon as she was gone, he stopped. His usage of the potty was very on again/off again between then and returning to daycare. Within 3 weeks of being back in daycare surrounded by other children his age who used the toilet, he was in underwear & making it through the day without an accident about 80% of the time - while at daycare. He is doing really well with the toilet now, goes on his own, and taught himself to pee standing up. Here are just a few of his stories:<br />
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<b>"Mom, I just peed on my totally awesome bed"</b>, this was said to me a couple of nights ago, within 2 minutes of him getting out of the bath, while I was getting BBJ2 into his pajamas. BBJ1 received a full bed-set for Christmas to go with his 'big boy bed' that he got earlier this year. It included a nice soft mattress pad, 2 new pillows, Buzz Light-year & Woody sheets and pillow-cases, a nice blue comforter and a Buzz/Woody soft blanket. BBJ1 has actually wanted to sleep in his bed (instead of with Mommy) since the addition of his new bedding. So he peed on it, yay, so much fun to now have to strip & re-make the bed while it is already bed-time. While I was stripping the bed and putting on clean sheets, he took the pillows & soft blanket (safe from the pee) and all of his stuffed animals and put them in BB2's crib to give him a 'funk bed' (I don't know what he was meaning, sounds like bunk bed but doesn't really make sense). I left the room to go do something and came back to BBJ1 standing in BBJ2's crib with his penis in his hand, peeing over the crib rail onto the rug. Yes, it was a good night!<br />
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<b>Cleaning the Toilet</b><br />
BBJ2 loves brooms and sweeping, so someone gave him a cute little toy house cleaning set for Christmas, broom, mop, etc. One day over the holidays, the boys were sitting quietly on the couch watching a movie, so I went to the kitchen and was doing dishes. I thought I heard some strange noises, but just wrote it off to the movie or neighbors. After about a minute, I thought "no, that is coming from the bathroom", I turned the water off, "Uh Oh". I went to the washroom, one has the toy broom, the other has the toy mop and they are 'cleaning' the toilet, and laughing their buts off. There is yellow water flying everywhere. BBJ1 had his pants & pull-ups around his ankles. The two of them were screaming at me when I took the toys away to be sanitized and when I washed their hands & faces, "Mooommmm we are cleaning!!!". Not sure if this one is a story about successful toilet training, the disgustingness of little boys, or how sweet my boys are to help clean up. We did have lots of chats about flushing after this.<br />
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<b>Seriously, If I had known about this I would not have had children:</b><br />
One day BBJ1 is doing a naked day. I am sitting on the couch nursing BBJ2 hopefully to sleep. BBJ1 goes into my bedroom, I think that he is going to look out the window. Some time goes by. BBJ1 walks from my bedroom into the bathroom, he is carrying something in his hand, a baby hat that he had been wearing for fun earlier. I hear a splash, then the water in the sink is turned on and off, then he leaves the bathroom. "Umm, what did you just do? Did you put something in the toilet?" "Yes, my poop" "Really" "Yes" At this point BBJ2 was asleep and I managed to transfer him into his crib without waking him (a miracle), and I went to investigate. There was poop in the toilet, the hat (with poop smears on the inside) was in the sink and wet. Then I think "wait a minute where did he go poop, did he hold the hat under his bum? I doubt it. He was in my room. OH NO". "BBJ1, where did you go poop?" "In your room" "OK, but where, show me" He points to my bed, with the mostly white duvet cover. In my head "NOOOOOO". I'm looking but I don't see anything, I move closer and he yells at me to stop. I was about to step on the poop, but was saved. So, he pooped on my bedroom floor, scooped the poop up in a hat, carried it into the washroom, dumped the poop in the toilet and then 'washed' the hat out. So, not a toilet training success story, but a good cleaning up story.<br />
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I'm just crossing my fingers that BBJ2 will follow a different path.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-76176150447169805922012-01-03T12:59:00.001-05:002012-01-07T17:55:59.991-05:00Putting Grandma's New Year's Superstition to the TestMy maternal Grandmother was a superstitious, sometimes mean, sometimes sweet, controlling, manipulative hypochondriac, so a bit of a whack-job. I do non envy my Mother and Aunt's childhood. Grandma had a lot of superstitions, and a lot of them were pretty common; 'don't open an umbrella inside', 'don't walk under a ladder', 'a black cat crossing in front of you is bad luck', etc. I don't think that all of them were common, she believed dreams came true, she believed in omens, she thought it was bad luck to put shoes on a table. Even knowing that Grandma was a bit of a nut case, and growing up believing in science and evidence, I still have found myself following her superstitions.<br />
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There are a lot of different superstitions and rituals surrounding the New Year. One of my favourites is one that a friend grew up with, at mid-night she would open the front door to let the New Year in and open the back door to let the Old Year out. Grandma's belief was that anything left undone as of New Year would stay undone for the year. <br />
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For many year's of my life I have tried to get everything done for New Year's; clean the home, do all the laundry, mending, cleaning out closets, repairs, etc. This year that did not happen. I was home with both the boys for the week prior to New Year's. BBJ2 was sick which meant a baby stuck to me and a 3 year old running wild. The weather was yucky, rainy, snowy, windy, and cold so we didn't venture out much. The boys did not want to sleep by themselves, especially BBJ2 who went 4 days straight only sleeping if he was attached to me. <br />
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I have decided to look at the lack of getting stuff done as an experiment instead of a failure. I'm going to see if the superstition comes true or not. Here are the things that I would have wanted done prior to mid-night New Year's:<br />
- take down & put away the Christmas tree and decorations<br />
- clean the apartment, including washing the floors<br />
- paint the boys' bedroom<br />
- clean out the storage locker - specifically rearrange so that the sleds are in easy reach<br />
- fix the toy problem (there are more toys than fit on the toy shelves and they are taking over)<br />
- put up new pictures of us and our loved ones (very quickly after the boys' father left I took down all the pictures with him in them, but there are holes in the picture wall that have not been filled, plus there isn't one picture of BBJ2 hanging up)<br />
- mending and altering of clothes<br />
- find the missing pillow case that matches my duvet cover<br />
- print pictures of the boys and put together a photo album for them<br />
- get my hair cut & a pedicure<br />
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That is it, I think, probably should be a longer list, but that seems like enough. Next New Year's I plan on checking back to this list to see if the superstition holds true or not.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-42750220752600129952012-01-01T22:56:00.004-05:002012-01-07T17:55:23.284-05:00An Old YearWhen people have a bad year they often say something like "good riddance" at New Year's. I had a really bad year, but I wouldn't wish away the year if I could. (I would wish away some of what happened this past year, but that is a different story.) Yes, bad things happened, but amazing things happened too.<br />
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I became a single mom, against my will, against everything I wanted for me and for my boys. It totally sucked and there were many many times I didn't think I could do it. I also became a good single mom, it took some work, it took a crap-load of energy and it took a lot of intelligence and insight. I'm not where I want to be yet, but my boys are pretty happy, they are healthy, they are intelligent, and they are loved. I had to change things about myself to do it, I had to accept help, I had to be more selfless, and I had to be more selfish.<br />
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The boys did some amazing things this year and I got to see all of it. BBJ2 took his first steps, learned to walk, learned to climb, said his first word, has hundreds of words and many phrases now, and he said "I love you mommy". BBJ1 is toilet trained (mostly), and taught himself to pee standing up. It hasn't been an easy year for the boys, mostly for BBJ1. He had a really hard time when Daddy moved out, but he seemed to be adjusting, he had a hard time when Daddy visits became erratic, and even harder when Daddy visits stopped, but he seems to be adjusting again. We (BBJ1 and I, with a lot of advice from my Therapist) have been working on dealing with his anger and temper and it does seem to be helping, tantrums and violence are much less frequent than before. Overall though he is an amazing little guy, sweet and loving, intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative, and most of the time happy (and he has the most beautiful skin ever - I am so envious). BBJ2 has gone from being a baby to a little person with his own personality and quirks. He went from a quiet little guy to a chatterbox and recently developed the need to shriek NO at me numerous times a day, but he also says "Hi Mom" to me about 20 times a day and each time it is so sweet. One of the coolest things is that they went from being my 2 sons, to being brothers, they fight, they are possessive, they are sweet, and they care about each other.<br />
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It was a hard year, I spent the first half of the year home alone with the boys and the second half of the year back at work trying to balance everything. I became totally broke trying to cover rent, daycare, bills, food, and diapers by myself. I have managed to get myself to a place where I am ok but still broke. The only people I was able to buy Christmas presents for were the boys, and it was one gift from me, one gift from Santa, and their stockings and that was all. An amazing thing happened though, people helped, a lot of the help came from my father, but there were lots of other people who don't have much to give, but gave me a little something. A couple of family members are paying me back money I lent them years ago and never expected to see again. My step-mom sent diapers when my Dad came to visit. My brothers helped with some heavy lifting, van providing, and moving of furniture. My girlfriends gave me some cash. A couple of the women I work with gave me Christmas presents, for me, which is not the norm at my office. I have often given/lent people money in the past when I had it to give and had always 'written it off', I thought of it as a gift not a loan. Well, those 'gifts' have been paid back, not always by the person who I gifted, but it came back when I needed it the most. I'm now living on a pretty tight budget that doesn't leave room for an emergency or anything fun, and it is not easy for me, but it will get better and I don't think that I will ever hit a time when the cable, internet, cell phone, and home phone all get cut off in the same week again.<br />
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Going back to work was both tough and a really good thing. Work gave me a place to use my mind, and a place to be away from memories, and a place to be a social grown-up. Work also gave me back travel. I love to travel but haven't for the last bunch of years. This year I've been to England 3 times, Montreal, the Northeast US, and to Paris. It was really tough doing the travel, for both me and the boys. They were not o.k. with mom going away, and I don't blame them. I felt guilty, guilty for leaving them knowing that they were not o.k. with it, I felt guilty for having my mom take care of them (she isn't a spring-chicken), I felt guilty for wanting to be away. But it has been o.k. The boys seem to be better with my last trip. My mom is totally good for continuing to do this, she enjoys the time with the boys, who are better behaved, better eaters, and better sleepers for Grandma than they are for mom. My trips have been up and down, but the last one was to Paris and I had an amazing time, it was exhausting, long meetings (including conference calls with people in N.A. after the day had finished over there), but I was in Paris, had great food, great wine, and some nice company.<br />
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I think though, that the most important thing that happened this past year, is that I remembered that I am valuable, that I am worth a lot. I had lost sight of that, partly the marriage and partly the children, but the break-up really squashed my sense of worth. It took a long time to really remember and see how great I am. I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but at the same time I have many positive attributes. People would tell me these things and many of them I could agree with intellectually but not emotionally. There are so many people in my life who love me and think that I am pretty great, and now I agree with them.<br />
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So, a very tough year, but a year filled with amazing stuff and good learnings. I hope that the next year brings more good than bad. I hope that when the bad happens I am able to remember what I learned this year. I am strong and I am a mother, I will survive because I have to, I have two very precious little guys who need me. But, I won't just survive, because I choose to live my life my way. I won't wallow in my pain and chalk it up to fate or punishment, pain is a lesson (so far honestly I haven't figured out my lesson) and without it, joy wouldn't be so joyful. I choose to be me and I choose to see the goodness in the world, I choose to see the unbelievable beauty we are surrounded with, I choose to try to be a good person, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother, I choose to smile, I choose to laugh, I choose to breath, I choose to melt when I have a boy sitting on each side of me and they both lean into me, and I choose to be happy. <br />
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As an addendum, my year by the numbers:<br />
0 - # of times I won the lottery<br />
1 - # of nights that I had more than 8 hours straight sleep (on business trip)<br />
1 - # of my duvets I had to throw out due to disgusting illness of my children<br />
2 - # of chest x-rays BBJ2 had<br />
2 - # of hair-cuts BBJ1 and I have had<br />
4 - # of litres of milk the boys go through in a week-end<br />
5 - # of times I had to clean out the fridge because BBJ2 got in there and spilt stuff<br />
6 - # of nights that I had 7-8 hours of straight sleep (on business trip)<br />
9 - # of times I had to have blood tests<br />
13 - # of times I swept the floor yesterday<br />
14 - # of times BBJ2 has vomited on me<br />
47 - # of times we have watched "Land of the Lost" (BBJ2 is obsessed with "Dr. Rick Marshall" - I must say that Will Ferrell's comic genius means that even after 40 viewings, I still laugh at the scene where he douses himself with and drinks dinosaur urine)<br />
63 - # of times I have cleaned pee off of the floor (an approximation)<br />
85 - # of times BBJ2 got excited by Christmas lights (this is an approximation, actual number may be a bit lower)<br />
210 - # of loads of laundry (# accurate to 91%)<br />
758 - # of times I have audibly sighed<br />
897 - # of km I put on the stroller (this is an approximation, actual # probably higher)knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-91727726128581361072011-10-24T00:00:00.003-04:002012-01-07T17:55:03.808-05:007 Years AgoSeven years (and one minute) ago today I was a Strong, Highly-Intelligent, Confident, Kind/Caring/Loving, Financially Stable, Fun-Loving, Independent, Ambitious and Proud, Optimistic/Hopeful/Positive Woman. I was a bit guarded, scared of being hurt, but at the same time open to the possibilities that life would give me. I went out lots, dancing, drinking, laughing, and having fun. I was free, I came and went as I wanted, the only obligation I had was a fat diabetic cat. <br />
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Today, I am broken. I feel like I am an alien compared to that woman who 7 years ago today went out with a friend & that friend's work friends, hoping to have a good time, not knowing that my life would be completely and utterly changed after that night.<br />
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I know that I am still emotionally strong, if I wasn't I wouldn't have been able to make it through the last 10 months. I don't always feel strong. There are days where it takes all my strength just to make it through the day, but I keep going. I feel like I should be fighting harder for my boys, but don't know how. Physical strength - that is gone, I used to bench more than my weight but due to my illness, I have lost a lot of physical strength, and it is worrisome how quickly I become tired carrying the 2 boys in my arms. Still I am lucky, I am sure that my Doctor will get things worked out, and even though I am weaker than I was, I am still able to push that double stroller of boys over 3 km/day, still able to play with the boys, still able to do 4 loads of laundry a week, still able to get things done.<br />
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I am still highly intelligent, can't take that away. Although I have learned, that I don't understand or have the stomach for playing games with people, so, while it may appear that I am not smart enough to play to win, in truth it is that I rather be honest and respectful than play games.<br />
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Confident hmmmm, this one is very hard. In some ways my confidence is ok; in others it has been completely decimated. Being back at work has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, being appreciated and acknowledged, knowing that I am damn good, and being the smartest one in a room of pretty smart people, helps. If I think about it, I know that I am still pretty great, but it is not easy to remember that, when you have been emotionally pummelled the way I have been. I see men looking at me, and I know that I am attractive, but I don't feel it. I know that I have the sexiest feet ever, but there is no time or money for pedicures anymore so it is hard to remember just how sexy they are. The first time I wore a bikini to the beach this summer was really hard, the second time was way easier, just a matter of believing the truth (I am a fine ass sexy woman), instead of letting the emotional response take over.<br />
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Kind/Caring/Loving - there is absolutely no doubt that I am still all of those things, even more so. Opening my heart to someone, caused a cascade reaction in me where I was more open to everyone, then having children changed things even more. Knowing that all the people I have helped and been kind to in my life, have helped and supported me through this time, has reinforced my belief in Karma. Knowing that what I put out is what will come back has kept me focused in the right way.<br />
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Financially Stable - LMFAO!! 8 years ago, I had savings in the bank, some investments, RRSPs and a bit of consumer debt. I had over 100 pairs of shoes + lots of boots, tons of purses, and months worth of clothes. Today, I have nothing. Savings - gone. Investments - gone. RRSPs - gone. Shoes - half gone. One week's worth of clothes that fit. Debt - increased. (I will of course fix it all, but it is going to take time and a huge amount of self-control and sacrifice.)<br />
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Fun-Loving - absolutely still fun loving. I don't get to have the same kind of fun that I used to, but I still love to have fun. Right now I enjoy the kind of fun you have with a 3 year old & a 1 year old, and I am working on getting the time to have adult fun.<br />
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Independent - I never stopped being independent, however I did become accustomed to having a partner to share with. It has been very difficult to balance the need for independence, to not rely on others, with the reality of my life. As much as I want to believe that I can do it all by myself, a 3 year old a 1 one year old all week every week is just not ok, asking for help has been hard, but I am getting better at it. One of the hardest things has been the changes in decision making. I was very used to making my own decisions, I got used to making decisions with someone - in some ways hard but I did it. Then someone started making decisions by themselves that changed my life, and the anger over having some of the terms of my life dictated to me has been huge. <br />
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Ambitious - hmmmm, I do still have ambitions, I still want to rule the world, however I have taken a huge dose of reality and know that I need to put my career ambitions on the back-burner for a while. I'm doing what I need to do at work, I'm making sure I'm on the ball, contributing, and performing well but I'm not looking for the next step right now. I'm concentrating that extra energy on the boys, giving them the love & stability that they need to be able to deal with the hole in their life.<br />
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Proud - 1,000,000X more proud of myself than I have ever been. <br />
The last 10 months have been really hard; the daily grind, the exhaustion, watching a good friend destroy themselves, the financial strain, the stress, the shock of going from being treated like an angelic princess to being treated like a third rate piece of shit, watching a beautiful sweet loving little boy fill with anger, having that anger taken out on me, being diagnosed with an illness and not getting it stabilised, re-living huge amounts of my own child-hood pain, toilet training a boy, being embarrassed, being taken advantage of, being insulted, being cursed at, being so scared for my children's future, being lied to, and having something real and beautiful mocked and erased.<br />
Not only have I dealt with all of this, but I have dealt with it with grace and honour. Yes I have spouted some angry words (mostly in the first few months), but in all honesty I have treated people with respect and dignity even while they were treating me badly. I have honoured requests. I haven't bad-mouthed people. I haven't broken promises. I have kept secrets and not exposed the lies being told to everyone, to save people's reputation and relationships. I have responded with calmness and understanding even while I was shaking with anger and pain. I have been patient beyond belief.<br />
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Guarded/Scared of being hurt, but open to possibilities - Ha! I shouldn't be scared of being hurt anymore, because there is pretty much nothing that could hurt more than what I have gone through (except for something happenning to my boys). At the same time, I know that the walls I used to have to protect myself are a joke compared to the ones I am re-building; Great Wall of China! I honestly don't know how open to possibilities I am, I think that I am open to most of what life might present me with, but at the same time, I cannot imagine ever opening my heart to another man again.<br />
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The only obligation I had was a cat, and now I have the biggest obligation ever. I am 100% responsible 24/7 for the two most precious little boys. There are times when it is overwhelming. There are times when it is so hard to deal with having to do everything by myself. There are times when it is terrifying. But I am the lucky one, because I have them and they are my joy, they are why I am still here, they are why I will get everything else fixed, because they need to have someone who will do everything it takes to give them a great life. I will not settle for them having the shitty life that I had, regardless of the similarities in our situations. I will not settle for them to have the shitty life that their father had. I will not settle for them to be less than their possibility. They deserve nothing but the best, they deserve to not want, they deserve to be surrounded by people who love them, who are there for them, who show up, people who put them first.<br />
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Do I regret going out for that night of fun 7 years ago? NO!!!!!<br />
Well, of course not, because if I hadn't gone out that night, I wouldn't have my beautiful boys, but it is more than that.<br />
While that night led me to a place I never wanted to be, that night also led me to places that were wonderful. I know that regardless of what has happenned, I loved someone truly, sweetly, honestly, and fiercely, with everything I had, with my heart, my soul, my brain, and my body, and I loved everything that someone else was, their mind, their body, their soul, their being. I have loved someone in a way that many people never have and never will; some because they just never have the opportunity, some because they have been broken and are too scared to give themselves fully, and others that are just not capable of loving anyone more than they love themselves. I have also been loved in a way that many people never get to experience. There are times when it is almost impossible to remember that I was loved so much, there are times when I can't forget and therefore cannot understand what is currently happenning, and there are times when it would be easier to pretend that it didn't happen, but it did, and it was amazing, to feel that love, the kindness, the unbelieveable fiery passion, the fierceness, the protectiveness, the thankfulness that I existed, the awe that I chose him, and the unbreakable connection.<br />
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So I continue my journey through this life, dealing with what I have been given, what has been taken away, trying to get through the sadness and anger, trying to revel in the smiles and laughter, surviving, striving to more than survive, and still believing in happy endings.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-17194858157600841612011-05-30T00:58:00.001-04:002012-01-07T17:54:42.537-05:00One Week LeftI am back in the office in a week. So not ready. BBJ1 starts his daycare transition today, so I have one week to do everything that is impossible to do with them, and one week to get my fucked up head in place, not feeling confident about the outcome.<br />
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There is a bunch of home stuff that I plan on doing, and even more that I would like to do, but won't/can't. I'm planning on doing a thorough cleaning, cleaning the oven (hasn't been done in years), pulling out the fridge and cleaning under it, that type of stuff. Plan on installing a blind in the boys room. Need to sort through their clothes and move stuff to storage. I had been planning on painting the boys room this week, but that won't happen because there is still some extra furniture in there that I can't paint around.<br />
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I need to pull together some sort of wardrobe for work, none of my work clothes are even close to fitting me. I had expected that once I started my thyroid meds that I would gain back some weight but that hasn't happened. Might end up doing some sewing to try and put some stuff together.<br />
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I need to put some space in my head to fill with work, but I don't know if I can. This last week has been really tough in so many ways, with the boys, with money, but the worst is that I have been dwelling in anger, and sadness. In some ways being on mat leave when my marriage crumbled was the worst timing (money & being alone with the boys 24/7), but at the same time if one day at 2pm I lost it, I could just sit on the floor in the kitchen and cry (I tried to limit this as I know it isn't great for the boys), but it is not ok to do that at work. <br />
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I'm hoping that I get lots done, but mostly hoping that the boys have a good week.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-11456054049921964062011-05-22T23:01:00.002-04:002012-01-07T17:55:43.852-05:00There are Attractive Men in the World AgainOk, so I am sure that there has always been attractive men in the world, I'm just noticing again.<br />
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While exHusband & I were together, I didn't feel attraction to other men. I would see an attractive man and think that they were good-looking or had a nice build, but I wouldn't feel that pull, that HMMMM that you get when you're attracted to someone. <br />
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For the first while after he left, I didn't notice any different. That has changed. There has been a few lately, sharing an elevator with the cu-tie after my therapy session, on the subway the other day, at the hospital yesterday, and at the park today. All good-looking, and all a bit of a hmmm.<br />
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At one point I was convinced that I would never find anyone who I was attracted to as much as my exHusband - felt a little screwed about it. The attraction I felt to these guys was not the same as that to exHusband, but it's a start.<br />
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Feels good, kind of like coming out of the fog, like my systems are running again, like maybe I'm healing a bit.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-72910740819734658882011-05-22T22:52:00.002-04:002012-01-07T17:54:00.623-05:00Dad + Help = pissed off meToday my father offered (or insisted I'm not sure) me some monetary assistance and the whole thing just pissed me off, trying to work through why.<br />
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Right now, I'm really tight for money. I have June's rent in the bank, but that is it. BBJ2's daycare is payed until the end of May, BBJ1's is not paid and I need to put a deposit & his first week down a week tomorrow. There should be some money coming in, but I can't count on anything until the 15th of June.<br />
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This morning I was chatting with my step-mom and we were talking about the toughness of being alone without having geographically close support for helping with day-care drop-off/pick-up or when one of the boys are sick, etc. I mentioned that I was probably going to try to find someone in the building who could do mornings with the boys. My idea is that when I leave in the morning, I could drop them off (or the care-giver could come here), and the care-giver would give them breakfast, get them dressed and take them to day-care. When I was talking about it I said that I was going to wait until I was back at work and had a couple of pay-checks in.<br />
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In the afternoon my dad left a message asking that I call him, it was done in his serious voice. When I called back he explained that he had talked to step-mom and that he was going to give me the money to do this, that I shouldn't wait, blah, blah, blah. There was a huge pause, I wanted to just say "leave me alone", but I didn't, I said "Thank you", then another big pause, then I said "OK, Thank-you".<br />
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After the call I just felt pissed and irritated.<br />
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I haven't been telling people how broke I am. I'm a month behind on all bills, I have no cell phone, I have a broken tooth, and I'm worried that I'm going to either miss rent or not be able to pay day-care (which is going to cause a huge problem with work). Getting the boys & I all ready in the morning, out the door, and to daycare is going to be a huge hassle - it looks like I am going to have to be up at 5:30 am to be able to get it all done and be able to be at work early enough that I can leave in time to get the boys out of daycare at the end of the day. But, if I had extra money I wouldn't be using it to help with mornings, there are so many other things the money is needed for.<br />
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If my Dad wants to help me and give me money, why doesn't he just give me money? For some reason, since exHusband left my Dad has been convinced that I need a car and has been looking for a used car that he will buy for me. I have told him numerous times that I am not sure that I actually want a car & that I am not willing to take on any extra expenses (parking spot in the building, insurance, gas, maintenance, etc) until after I am back at work. Then this comes up and he jumps all over it. I know that he wants to help & support me, but why does he have to designate money to something specific?<br />
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Still, why did it bother me so much? <br />
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Did I think he was trying to control me? I cannot think of one time in my life where a money situation with my dad did not involve strings &/or guilt - with the exception of birthday card money. This was true for both my brother & I. There have been other times since exHusband left when I felt like my Dad was taking over.<br />
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Is it because I want to be able to do this on my own? I have always had a huge problem asking & receiving help of any kind. I have been taking care of myself for a really long time, even when I was living at home. <br />
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I don't know, need to figure this out, feel kind of stupid about the whole money thing, and feel embarrassed.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-63679189443719181262011-05-21T00:30:00.002-04:002012-01-07T17:53:22.812-05:00Does Every Parent Panic?Do you panic when your child is sick? I don't panic over colds, or mild fevers, but I did panic last night.<br />
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Close to bed-time, BBJ2 was nursing himself to sleep when he started crying then pulling off and then nursing again. After a few times, I switched sides thinking that might be the problem, although he normally just bites me when he wants to switch. When I switched him, I noticed a red mark on his cheek, but just thought it was from the pressure against my arm. Then he pulled off and cried again and I noticed his entire cheek on the other side was red.<br />
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I jumped up with him and went into the bathroom (brighter light) and saw that he had some sort of rash on his face. I took him into my room (bright light), put him on the bed, and stripped him down. Rash spots on both his shoulders. They were all different sizes, irregular shapes and had lighter raised parts in the middle.<br />
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Panic! I am totally paranoid about allergic reactions & anaphylactic shock. At this stage, he is eating all kinds of new foods, and he puts everything into his mouth. The other day at the playground I had grabbed a stir stick out of his hand & mouth.<br />
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I gave him some Benadryl right away, called exHusband a bunch of times, no answer, looked up Telehealth's number (for non-Canadians, when you call this number a nurse will interview you and then advise the best course of action - OTC, do nothing, go to Doctor, call 911, etc), and then called. The nurse asked lots of questions and advised that they were hives and most likely caused by a virus (which makes sense since BBJ2 had cold symptoms & a fever last week), that Benadryl was the right way to go, and she gave me things to watch out for. Other than the hives he was totally fine, no fever, and he was walking around playing while I was on the phone. The hard part was that both the boys were busy & loud while I was trying to have the conversation with the nurse.<br />
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All in all the call completely calmed me down, and he was fine. I feel good that even though I was panicking on the inside, I was able to act, and did exactly what was needed. The hives did return tonight, so I am planning on taking him to the pediatric clinic tomorrow to try to identify a cause.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-42145805648050575132011-05-15T21:54:00.002-04:002011-05-21T23:34:33.809-04:00I Miss My GrandmaI have been thinking about my PGrandma (paternal grandmother) a lot lately, and wishing that I could talk to her. She died when I was in 2nd grade (I think), so I didn't really get to know her. I know that I loved her and she loved me. Her death was the first time I questioned God. I was angry that she was gone, and who else was there to blame?<br />
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She was a great grandma, she taught my brother and I to play softball, she let us make tents out of her old Hudson Bay blankets (Dad wasn't allowed to play with them when he was a boy), she hugged us, she gave me tea in proper china teacups and she tried to teach me manners and etiquette.<br />
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She grew up in a smallish town, in an upper middle class protestant family. There was a proper way to behave and a proper way to live. PGrandma did behave properly, but she lived her life a bit differently. She bucked the convention of her family and of her society at the time, moved to the big city, had a career, and didn't marry until she was 40.<br />
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There are huge gaps in my knowledge of PGrandma, because certain topics were not for proper discussion. The gaps aren't just because I was young, but because she didn't tell my father these things. I do know that PGrandma and PGrandpa knew each other long before they were married. PGrandpa was married and divorced prior to marrying PGrandma - this is something my father did not know about until he was in his thirties. I don't know if PGrandma had other marriage offers that she turned down, I don't know if she dated, I don't know if she was planning on being a single career girl her whole life. I've heard things implying that PGrandma wasn't all sweetness and spice. I know that once she knew about my parent's split that she was very angry at my father and to some extent cut him off. I understand her position, she loved my mother and us children, and at that time it was not the norm to leave your wife to support herself & her children.<br />
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I have often wondered what she would make out of my life, what advice would she give me. In some ways we have lived similarly, we both had careers, lived alone, waited a long time to find the right man, and we were both single moms (PGrandpa died when my Dad was 14). The biggest differences would be about how we deal with other people and raise our children. PGrandma's generation was the "children are to be seen and not heard" generation. She was strict with my Dad, although he still managed to do lots of bad things and get into trouble (some day I might write about the garage story that nearly gave PGrandma a heart-attack), and manners were hugely important. Emotions were not for public consumption, a pasted on smile was required if you couldn't provide a real one.<br />
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I wonder why I have been thinking about her so much lately, maybe it is because of the point in my life I am at, maybe it is because I wish she could see my beautiful boys, and maybe part of it is BBJ1's ghost. (BBJ1 communicates to someone that I cannot see or hear, and when this happens he is often looking towards PGrandma's bookcase above which is a doll silhouette that she made. BBJ1 refuses to ask "the woman" any questions that I ask him to, and will not relate anything that she says to him. I became convinced that "the woman" is PGrandma and it is like torture that I cannot talk to her.) I know that it is quite possible that there is no ghost and BBJ1 has an imaginary friend or that he is listening to sounds in the stairwell or other apartments.<br />
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I'll have to think about it some more, I just know that I miss her and that I wish that I had known her after I became an adult.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-86398950250943805232011-05-13T22:42:00.032-04:002011-05-16T22:53:01.503-04:00My Breasts are MagicLike pretty much every woman I know, I have had a very up and down relationship with my breasts. Currently I think they are amazing and can do magical things.<br />
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I remember when I was young wanting to have breasts. My friend and I used to do the "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises, to no avail. When we started 6th grade, one of the girls had grown a pair, a substantial pair, over the summer and I was jealous as was pretty much every girl in our class. (Years later, there was a rumour that she was stuffing, I have no idea if this was true or not, but when I heard it I felt a little satisfied)<br />
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When the breasts first arrived they were sad. I remember at first being so proud of my little buds and the training bra that encased them. But they stayed buds for a long time, and I wasn't so proud of them, I wanted real breasts, big ones. Throughout my teens I was tiny and a jock and the breasts, well they were pretty small, one of the things I was teased about was being flat as a board, I wasn't really that flat, just not substantial. What I did have was perfect, really good shape, round, and close together, I didn't have to wear a bra all the time, and I didn't have any problems while playing sports, however I did not appreciate them.<br />
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After University I gained some weight and gained some boobs. They were still perky and now that there was some mass to them I had cleavage, big time cleavage even though my breasts weren't huge, they were just close together and up.<br />
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This is when I started to understand the magic that I had attached to my chest. Men loved them. There were times at work when I realized that men would stand behind me at my desk so that they could get a good view. (I was really good at my job so I was never worried about the breasts giving me credit when my brain deserved it) Now I did realize that the men who were only interested in the breasts, were not necessarily good for me, but sometimes they could be fun for me. My breasts actually made a guy go from being an ass man to a breast man.<br />
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Then I became pregnant. My breasts became very tender during my first pregnancy. This was the first time that they turned against me. <br />
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Then I had a baby, and the baby nursed. Amazing! For the first 6 months of BBJ1's life, my breasts provided all of his sustenance. My breasts fed him, soothed him, put him to bed, fixed booboo's, gave him immunity, and they took care of him. Now I must say that spending hours on end with a baby attached to my breast wasn't always the most fun, but still amazing. <br />
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When I was pregnant with BBJ2, they turned on me again. BBJ1 was still nursing and it was painful, I had to ban him from the left breast because it hurt so much.<br />
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BBJ2 arrived and again the baby nursed. Amazingly I was able to nurse both my children, I tried tandem nursing and it didn't work for me and very quickly BBJ1 was moved to nursing only before sleeping. Still pretty incredible that my breasts were able to provide sustenance for my baby while still being able to provide a sleep-aid to my toddler. Currently only BBJ2 is nursing, and honestly it is a bit of a relief to have only the one. BBJ1 weaned himself off slowly with no issues.<br />
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For me one of the best things about breast-feeding is when my babies were sick. At about 1 year, BBJ1 had croup, we were in emergency trying to get an oxygen mask over his face and the only thing that calmed him and let us get the mist in him was that he was nursing. I was reminded of that this week as BBJ2 has been sick, he hasn't eaten much, nursing lots (to the detriment of my mental health) and the nursing has calmed him and helped him.<br />
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After 2 pregnancies and nursing 2 babies, I admire my breasts and I like them. They are still fairly perky, they are still in the right place, and they have magic in them.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-64170767002976862382011-05-10T21:19:00.002-04:002011-05-16T22:47:11.892-04:00Mother's Day is EverydayMy interpretation of Mother's Day is that it is a day designated for people to show appreciation to the people who have mothered them. Mother's do so much for their children everyday, often putting aside their own needs and wants. For a long time the children are too young to give formal appreciation and don't understand that their mother needs or wants to be appreciated.<br />
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I haven't always done the greatest job at giving my mom appreciation, but I try. This mother's day I wasn't able to see my mom, as she lives out of town and I don't have a car but we had a good chat in the morning and she told me I was doing a good job and that she was proud of me. It meant a lot coming from her, she understands how hard it is to raise your children alone. It was a sweet call even including BBJ2 growling at the phone and BBJ1 demoing a car/train accident for grandma. I plan on doing better next year.<br />
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I also plan on showing my step-mother appreciation on mother's day. She became my step-mom when I was 19, so she wasn't there while I was growing up, and it took some years for us to establish our relationship. For a long time now, I often think of getting her a card or doing something, but I always feel like this might be disloyal to my mother. I decided today that it won't be disloyal and my step-mom has helped me and guided me, and has really stepped up to help since exHusband left.<br />
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I had very low expectations for this Mother's Day, being my first as a single mom, and the boys being almost 1 and almost 3. It was a fine day, but I realized that my boys show me appreciation in little ways every day, and that is better than just getting a card once a year. I get random hugs, random "I lub you"s and random thank-you's and those mean so much.<br />
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The hardest part of the day was also the sweetest. In the evening, I listened to my messages, there was a lovely one from my dad and another from my mother-in-law both wishing me a happy mother's day. The hard part was listening to my step-son came on to say Happy Mother's Day to me from him and his sister. I just started to cry, and cried for ages. I really miss them and I had felt that they missed me too, but hearing that message just kind of cemented how sad I am that I don't get to see them very often now and how sad I am that my role in their lives has changed. I am proud though that I was able to love them and create a home where they felt safe and loved and that as a step-mother I helped their relationship with their father.<br />
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I had another mother's day moment this evening. I had managed to get BBJ2 down, washed the pots from dinner and then sat on the couch beside BBJ1, I picked him up and put him on my lap. He snuggled right in, and said Thank You Mommy, in his beautiful sweet little voice. That is how I know I'm doing o.k.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-8642648143259152532011-05-08T00:16:00.002-04:002011-05-16T22:48:21.202-04:00We Started Daycare This WeekI have about a month until my maternity leave is over and I go back to work, so we started BBJ2's transition to daycare this week.<br />
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After much debate on nanny vs daycare centre vs at-home daycare, the boys will be attending a daycare centre (the same one that BBJ1 attended prior to BBJ2's birth), while I am at work. The daycare is wonderful and I know that both the boys will be happy there, will make friends, learn to socialize, and will learn so much. It will add about an hour to both ends of my commute, and it will be tough getting all 3 of us fed and ready and out the door, and it is not cheap, but I feel it is the best thing for my boys and therefore will hopefully tough it out.<br />
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BBJ1 will be starting daycare the week before I go back into the office, while BBJ2 started this past Wednesday. The long transition should work well for the little guy and hopefully the dedicated mommy time will help BBJ1.<br />
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So far, BBJ2 has been doing o.k. He only stayed for a couple of hours each day. The first day he didn't start to cry until BBJ1 and I walked out the door. On Thursday and Friday, he was crying as soon as I tried to put him down and was wailing at the top of his lungs as we left - heart breaking! However, he didn't cry the entire time he was there, he did play and let the teachers soothe him, he is already getting used to them. I feel pretty sure that he is going to adjust quite well.<br />
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I was surprised (stupidly) by BBJ1's reaction to BBJ2 going to daycare. He was just off all 3 days. On Wednesday, when we were leaving, he realised that BBJ2 wasn't with us and told me that we had to go back to get him, however when it was time to go get BBJ2, he did not want to get him. On Thursday, BBJ1 did not want to go to the daycare at all, and when we started to head into the subway he revolted and had a temper tantrum on the stairs. We visited the toddler room (that is where he was when he left daycare to be at home with me BBJ2), he acted quite shy and was hiding behind my legs while I chatted with his teachers. On Friday we visited the junior pre-school room (where he will be going when he returns) and he just dove right in, playing with the other children, and totally ignoring me. He was clingy with me during the 3 days and I had to carry him all over the place because he suddenly couldn't walk. I think that he will adjust back to daycare without a big problem (fingers crossed), but I think the next 3 weeks might be a challenge.<br />
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BBJ2 and I went to the park and for walks and donuts while BBJ1 was at daycare, and that was nice to have some one-on-one time with him, but I missed BBJ1. He is such a sweet little guy, he makes me (and everyone who has the privilege of knowing him) melt, when he hugs you it is just the sweetest thing. I'm not looking forward to when I have to miss both of them.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-9089675108683728632011-05-07T22:23:00.000-04:002011-05-07T22:23:40.859-04:00I Am BackI really haven't resolved anything except that blogging helps me, and I need it, so I am going to be writing again, and sharing my life. <br />
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When I write I will try to not be mean in my intent, and therefore hopefully not in impact.<br />
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I don't promise that everyone reading my words will feel good about them, and maybe that is a good thing.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-16375069788003808282011-04-15T17:55:00.000-04:002011-04-15T17:55:32.394-04:00I am taking a HiatusI am going to stop posting for a while, I don't know how long, could be a week, could be a month, I'll have to see how things go.<br />
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I have been writing about my life, how I feel, and what happens to me. It has been an outlet for all the stuff scrunched up inside me. I didn't write to someone or for someone, and I was not trying to influence anyone. However, my words have hurt someone and for that I apologize. It was not my intention, but that was the impact of my words.<br />
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So, I am taking some time away to figure this out.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-67935947040090414272011-04-15T15:41:00.002-04:002011-05-16T22:49:09.037-04:00My Poor Sweet BoyI feel so sad for my boys, that they don't have their Dad, who they love and want so much, with them. <br />
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BBJ2 seems to be o.k., he is only 10 months old and in just less than 4 months he will have spent half his life with Dad and the other half without. When he is with his Dad, he just melts into him and he doesn't want to let go, however I don't see any indications that it is a problem for him that Dad isn't around all the time. I am guessing though, that at some point he will understand and want Dad around more, but he will be used to it. I hope that he will be o.k.<br />
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BBJ1 is a whole different ball of wax. He is sad and angry. This morning he said he wanted Dad here, he wanted to go to the elevator and meet him, when I told him that Dad wasn't here and wasn't coming he became very angry and hit me. A phone call helped for a little while, but he brought it up again a few hours later.<br />
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This has been really tough. I have been working really hard to try and help BBJ1 through this. I have been trying to do everything I can so that he doesn't hate his father for leaving him and for hurting his mom. It hasn't been easy to do that. I have been really hurt and angry by what the boys father has done, but I realized that I had the power to influence how BBJ1 feels about his Dad, and I chose for him to love his Dad instead of resenting him. Since I have made these changes I have seen an improvement, the biggest is that BBJ1 is talking to his Dad during his good-night phone call instead of turning his back to the phone. The temper tantrums have lessened as well, but they are still there. The hitting has lessened but it is still there.<br />
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When exHusband first left, so many people said that the boys would be fine, that they were so young they would just get used to things. Bull-Shit! Are they really going to be o.k. seeing their Dad once a week when they want to see him everyday? They might get used to it, but that doesn't mean they are o.k. <br />
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People said "as long as the boys know that they are loved and that you & exHusband are happy they will be o.k." I don't know about this one. Are we both happy? From what I can see neither of us are happy. Both of us tell them that we love them all the time, and I tell them every day that Daddy loves them. Here is the thing though, you hear the words "I love you" but do you believe them and feel them when the person isn't there? If you want to hug Dad, and you want to sit and play guitar with him, are the words enough? I don't know.<br />
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And all this just adds to my own pain. It is heart-breaking to see my sweet little boy so sad. It makes me sad. It reminds me that I miss Daddy too, it reminds me that while we all want him here, where we think he belongs, he doesn't want to be here with us. It puts even more burden on me. Not only am I taking care of our boys, making sure they are safe and healthy and developing, I also have to ignore my own feelings so that I can take care of their emotions. I didn't cause their pain but I am the one who sees the sadness, I am the one who gets hit, kicked, bitten in anger, I am the one who has to say the words to soothe them when no one is soothing me.<br />
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I want to take their pain, roll it up into a ball and set it on fire so it is gone. I hope that I am strong enough to help them through this so that they can have happiness in their lives.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-63825372791158350382011-04-05T00:20:00.005-04:002011-05-16T22:49:27.299-04:00WooHoo My Life Does SuckI feel better today, because I received confirmation that I am not just a big cry-baby loser who can't handle stuff, but in fact my life does suck right now.<br />
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This last week was not a good week. BBJ1 misses his dad and is sad and angry. I miss my husband and am sad and angry. I broke a tooth. BBJ2 still doesn't sleep enough. A family heirloom lamp was broken. I had PMS. It was my birthday. Everyone else's needs come before mine.<br />
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I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Things kept going wrong and piling up. I had a really tough time holding it together by the week-end. I was receiving indirect feed-back that made me feel like the fact that I was sad and displaying it was not o.k. I started to think that I was not handling this the way I should be, that I wasn't letting myself be happy, that I was keeping myself in negativity. Maybe my life was fine, and I am the problem.<br />
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It was summed up like this:<br />
- My body is still recovering from having 2 babies too close together (I was only about 15 months post-partum from BBJ1's c-section when I became pregnant with BBJ2)<br />
- I am not healthy - I have hyperthyroidism which is not only wreaking havoc with my physical health, it also causes emotional issues<br />
- I have 2 very young children who need a lot of attention<br />
- I have a very small support network<br />
- I don't get to sleep enough<br />
Apparently at this point, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Then you add that I am going through the emotional hell of being left by my husband and becoming a single-mom. Then you add the individual things that happened this past week and you end up with lots of tears.<br />
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There are some good points out of this:<br />
- I had a great time with my friends on my birthday eve<br />
- I am still able to laugh and smile<br />
- I have a new awesome FB profile pic, courtesy of my friend and the pillow fight (lots of compliments, even from someone who I'm not friends with on FB)<br />
- I know that even though I'm in the shits now, it won't be forever<br />
- I know that the boys will be o.k., because I am a good mother, and I will be healthier once I start treatment.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-75095697941586167922011-04-01T01:01:00.002-04:002011-05-10T23:06:36.689-04:00Regret Can Be A Good Thing"No Regrets" How many times have you heard this? I have heard it a lot lately and it bugs me. I don't think that you should spend your life dwelling in your regrets. I do think that regret (and remorse, and guilt) have a purpose and that if you try to just go on with your life, ignoring the purpose of the feeling then you will spend your life mired in the muck.<br />
<br />
The feeling of regret has purpose, to act as a warning "don't repeat your mistakes", and to make amends for your mistake. Often making amends will help alleviate the bad feeling of regret. There is a wide range of things that we humans are capable of achieving and there is a wide range of harm that we humans are capable of perpetrating. The regret should relate to the action that was done, there should be no blanket statement that there are no regrets (unless you live in some magical world where you can wave your fairy wand and change/fix everything). Would you tell a murderer that they should not feel regret? I doubt it. Would you tell someone who dropped out of college that they should not feel regret? Probably.<br />
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I don't think that everything in your life that doesn't turn out perfect, should be regretted. I have had some really terrible hair-cuts, I didn't dwell in regret, I just figured out how to deal with them - hats, head-bands, gel, etc. <br />
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I regret being bitchy and mean when I was in high school. I don't carry it around like a ball and chain, I can't undo what was done. I did recognize how I behaved, I learned that it was a reaction to my own pain, and I stopped being that way and hurting people. <br />
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I regret not standing up for myself in my marriage. There were times that I tried, but I gave up, and things got worse. I don't believe that the outcome would have necessarily been any different, but I do believe that I would feel better about myself. I have been standing up for myself a lot more lately and calling mean/bad behavior when it occurs. I believe that in my next relationship I will be stronger and that may not work for the man, but since I am the only me I have, I need to take care of me.<br />
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This is my best example of regret being a good thing. My Dad is an alcoholic and he was drunk for my childhood and my teen years. He loved me, and I saw him on a regular basis, this did not make him a good dad. He caused a lot of pain for a lot of people, people that he loved and who loved him back. The realization of the pain he caused - the regret - is part of what helped him become sober and emotionally healthy. He no longer causes pain, in fact he now has a career helping addicted youths in the criminal system. He is a loving and supportive father, husband, and friend. Of course he wasn't able to undo the past, he wasn't able to give me or my brother the childhood that we wanted, but he has made amends, and now we have real relationships. That is what regret is for, it is about taking your mistakes and learning from them and using them for good. <br />
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I am suspicious of people who think that they can go through life and not have any regrets. It is possible that someone could live their entire life and never hurt another person and therefore not have a need to regret their actions, but I have never met someone who was so perfect. I know that I am not that perfect, I have done things that I have regretted and I have tried to learn, apologize and make amends where I could. I guess life would be easier if you didn't regret anything that you did, but it would also be a lot more selfish.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-76025409330986915702011-03-26T00:54:00.003-04:002011-05-10T23:07:04.438-04:00I had a Crapptastic Week<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">This week has been pretty bad, there has been some good stuff, but I think on the balance scale it leans towards sucky.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Good:</div><ul><li>I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews. I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull. </li>
<li>exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn't ever want to be with me or that he doesn't love me </li>
<li>exHusband told me that he misses me everyday</li>
<li>BBJ2 took his first unassisted steps!</li>
<li>The boys spent an afternoon with their half-brother and half-sister, this makes them so happy and I miss my step-kids a lot so it was good for me too.</li>
<li>I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism (this shows up in the bad list too), good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on. I have been having heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss. I had these things written off to post-partum hormones, being really active with 2 little kids while nursing, and going through a life-changing break-up.</li>
<li>exHusband requested photos of me to help him relieve some tension (I know that probably doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is an ego boost to know that even with all the women throwing themselves at him since our split became public knowledge, he still wants me - guess it is hard to find anyone as hot or as good as me)</li>
<li>The boys are going to their father's for the first time this week-end, so I have been looking forward to having time to myself.</li>
</ul><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Bad:</div><ul><li>No sleep for me.</li>
<li>BBJ1 is refusing baths, fighting diaper changes (forget the potty - he is in full regression mode), is throwing lots of temper tantrums and is sad</li>
<li>BBJ1 pulled the curtains including the curtain rod out of the ceiling in his bedroom. So on top of the time change there are no curtains to block out the street lights.</li>
<li>I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. So it is good to know what has been going on with me and to know that there is treatment, but bad because:</li>
<ul><li>I have had this since at least the summer (it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues), and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage. Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while. My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable, that the sickness would have intensified it. Irritable, anxious wife does not equate to happy husband.</li>
<li>If it is being caused by Graves Disease (a common cause and starting to look more and more likely since I found out today that my Grandmother had it, and it runs in families), then the treatment is rougher and I will probably have to stop nursing BBJ2.</li>
<li>I could go into a hyperthyroid coma, which is terrifying. I am alone with 2 little boys, what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out? I don't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911, his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy, Bye Daddy.</li>
</ul><li>The boys are going to be staying at their father's for the first time this week-end, so I am sad. This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital. I had always thought that their first over-night would be at a grand-parent's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating.</li>
<li>I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart, and has a sexual obsession with me, and wants me to be his best friend, he doesn't want to be with me now. </li>
<li>I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has, and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities. He has big baggage, not carry-on, not regularly checked, but the kind where you have to go to that special counter. He can get lost in his fears, even when they are irrational. He absolutely believes untruths, even when shown evidence to the contrary.</li>
<li>I realized that although exHusband wants me to be his best friend, he isn't going to be my friend.</li>
<li>I realized that I have to accept that regardless of how wrong it is, my marriage is really over. I'm sad because I have lost the best friend I ever had, I have lost the best sex ever, I have lost great conversations, I have lost my DJ, and I have lost the warmest hands that have ever held me.</li>
</ul><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want what I want and who isn't willing to get help when they so obviously need it. I need a partner, someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them. Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness. Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent. Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth.</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So from now on my exHusband, is simply the father of my children. I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father. The only problem is that I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just turn off my heart. It took me years to open my heart, I hope it doesn't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again.</div></div>knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-456363124774928712011-03-23T23:11:00.001-04:002011-05-10T23:07:17.158-04:00My Son Could be One of the JackassesJohnny Knoxville, Bam Magera, Steve-O, my older boy is one of you. BBJ1 has seen Jackass at least once, however his crazy started way before the viewing.<br />
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<u>Crazy physical stunts, check:</u><br />
He will climb anything. He will use a truck as the first step in climbing, trucks have wheels and will slip out from under you. He will drag furniture around to help him get up. He uses the stroller to take pictures down from the wall. He likes to stand with one foot on top of his brother's crib and the other foot on the ladder to the bunk-bed - about 3 feet away. He thinks that the Diaper Genie is a safe climbing tool.<br />
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One of his favorite things to do is to stand on the coffee table, on top of a pillow and then jump onto the couch. He throws himself back and forth on the couch, not caring that there is a glass topped coffee table a foot away. He will dive from anything to anything. He once took a dive from one end of the bed to the other end, smashing his face into the metal bed frame.<br />
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He has excellent balance, he often stands and walks on the couch arm (about 2 inches wide). Lately he has taken to walking on the edge of the tub while I take my shower, and even when wet he hasn't fallen.<br />
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<u>Dangerous weapons, check:</u><br />
He is currently obsessed with swords. The other day I was on the couch nursing BBJ2, and BBJ1 was on the kitchen counter. I wasn't worried, I just thought "great more flour to clean up", forgetting that there was a big bread knife in the sink. He runs out from the kitchen, plants his feet and holds the knife just like a sword and yelled something. I made him a sword out of cardboard, but he rejected it and keeps asking for his sword.<br />
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Anything he finds that could be used to swing around, he will. We've been having curtain rod problems, so there has been a few of them hidden behind doors until they are re-installed. These are constantly being swung around and held while running.<br />
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<u>Handles physical pain, check:</u><br />
Today I broke a vase in the kitchen, when I was finished cleaning it up, BBJ1 took the vacuum so that he could clean the couch (such a good boy). I was doing dishes when he started yelling for me, he had the vacuum hose stuck to his cheek. I turned the vacuum off to stop the suction, he had a fit, "put it back on mommy, need to clean face mommy, meanwhile he had a huge really red round mark on his face. He has had more split lips, bloody noses, and bumps on the head than I have had in my entire life.<br />
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<u>Gross stuff, check:</u><br />
The kid will put his hand in a poopy diaper to touch his penis, enough said.<br />
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<u>Eating weird stuff, maybe:</u><br />
He does eat some weird things, like Cheesies dipped in milk, but there are lots of things that he will not eat based solely on a visual inspection.<br />
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<u>Getting his hands dirty, probably not:</u><br />
He does not care if his entire body, face and head are covered in any kind of disgusting goo, but he hates having the palms of his hands dirty or wet. If he falls down in the mud, he will try to get up without using his hands (hilarious stuff, I have some great video footage). When he is eating, he will stop and ask for his hands to be cleaned so that he can continue.<br />
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<u>Walking on stuff bare foot, maybe:</u><br />
He generally doesn't like getting things on the bottom of his feet. He is almost always barefoot at home (his preference), and if he steps on a cheerio he will stop, hold his foot up until it is cleaned. He doesn't like walking on sand barefoot.<br />
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So overall, I think he has a lot of the right qualities to be a famous fool, he does have some stuff to work on, we'll see how it goes.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-75120190590314825122011-03-22T23:01:00.001-04:002011-05-10T23:07:34.293-04:00I'm Going SurfingI'm going surfing, someday. <br />
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Recently on Twitter, <a href="http://www.bloggingdangerously.com/">BloggingDangerously</a> tweeted the question "If you could be anyplace in the world for 2 weeks, where would it be?" I responded "Hawaii so that I could learn how to surf like I have wanted to since I was a little girl". It then kept popping into my head how I have wanted to do this for so long. I then realised that I don't have any personal goals that are just for me and about me. I have the goal of raising my boys to be the best people they can be. I sometimes have career goals, but those are not real goals for me, they help me to keep going at my job.<br />
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I have wanted to surf for ever. I love being in the water and I really love the ocean, I have been known to spend hours just floating in the warm salt water when I have been down south. I like to go fast (ask almost anyone who has been in a car I was driving), and I have a bit of the daredevil in me, even though I often logic myself out of really risky stuff. <br />
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Years ago when I pictured myself surfing I did picture myself in a bikini, but now after two babies and 2 c-sections, it might be a one-piece or a wet-suit. I also pictured myself single and hanging out dancing and drinking the evenings away, and it is quite possible that when I do get there that I might have 2 little boys in tow and maybe won't be able to party all night. I've always associated surfing with Hawaii, but maybe it will be California or Australia. It doesn't matter if the picture of how I will look or who I am with, or where changes, it is the doing it that matters.<br />
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So now I have a personal goal of going surfing. I have even started getting ready. About 7 years ago, I did some research on learning to surf and read that you should be in pretty good shape and be up to 100 push ups a day to handle all the dog paddling. So I have started a push up regimen. I am going to start paying attention and copying my son since he has great balance and recovery. I believe he gets his awesome physical abilities from me (go ahead and disagree exHusband), and that I have just forgotten how to use my body as well as he does.<br />
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I feel good, something for me alone about me alone.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-49768663904187325412011-03-09T23:17:00.001-05:002011-05-10T23:07:56.616-04:00Sickness SucksMan! It has been a tough week. Both the boys and I have been sick, yucky sick.<br />
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I have been pretty lucky so far with the boys health. BBJ1 had runny noses when he was teething, but was pretty healthy the first year until he hit daycare. Within the first couple of months of starting daycare, he had croup, an ear infection, a cold, and one night of dreadful vomiting, other than that he has been healthy. During all of those sicknesses exHusband was here to share in the care-giving. We took turns taking time off work to be home with BBJ1, even sometimes splitting the day. We both cleaned vomit, we both cleaned the nose, we both held him and rocked him to make him feel better - we shared the load. This is the first time that BBJ2 has been sick.<br />
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It started with BBJ2, and for the first 2 days, I could rarely put him down, he was either nursing or in my arms. Those days were exhausting, it is hard almost constantly holding the baby, while also trying to keep a toddler alive. Then BBJ2 started to get better, he was crawling around, but he still wouldn't eat any solid food which means lots more nursing than normal. As BBJ2 was getting better BBJ1 started to become sick. I must say the kid is such a trouper, diarrhea & vomiting and not one complaint from him, just demands to clean the mess. He was exhausted, slept more than normal and was unbelievably calm. It was like a little holiday for me that made me very sad.<br />
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I get scared when my kids are not feeling well. I was taking temperatures constantly. I was watching them like a hawk. There was more than once when I was on the verge of packing them up to go to the hospital or the pediatric walk-in clinic. There was no need to take them, they were just sick, but it really freaks me out when they are not o.k. <br />
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I was also exhausted. The first night of BBJ2's sickness, I didn't sleep and he barely slept, I don't remember if the sleep got any better for the following nights. Diaper changes were occurring about 4 times more frequently than normal. I had to do laundry so that we would all have clean sheets in our beds, then had to laundry the next day so that they would have clean pajamas, they were going through them so fast. I was constantly trying to clean everything to make sure that the germs weren't going back in to them.<br />
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Then I got hit with it, just as they both were through the worst of it. Bloody rough. Most of yesterday I was fighting to not pass out and leave the 2 of them fending for themselves. BBJ1 was now fully recovered and was jumping on me, on my nauseous belly, and would not calm down. I tried explaining that mommy was sick like he had been - he did not give a rat's ass. <br />
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I know that if I wasn't a single mother, it still would have been hard dealing with all of the sickness, but I missed having that in person second opinion (I think that it is pretty hard to understand how sick someone is by text message), I missed having an extra pair of hands to help with the heavy lifting, I think the boys missed having the second person to hug, while I was busy with the other one. The being sick myself is completely different without a partner, I remember exHusband staying home from work when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 when I was really sick, so that BBJ1 would be taken care of properly and so that I could recuperate better.<br />
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How do you handle sickness in your home? Any tips for the next time?knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-62856212509524863552011-03-05T22:07:00.003-05:002011-05-10T23:08:11.312-04:00My First Divorce - I was 7<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">There are so many things that happen to us, so many people who touch us, and so many things we choose to do/feel/think that make us who we are. Many of these things are small things, having a mom who gives you lots of hugs and reads to you every night, having a brother who calls you thunder thighs, or having nice friendly neighbors. Some are really big things that have a huge impact on you, this is the first big thing that happened to me, that shaped a lot of how I think and feel.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My first divorce happened when I was about 7. Being young, I had no clue about relationships and how they work. My parents didn't fight - there was one loud argument shortly before the split - but that is it. My Dad wasn't around a lot, he worked long hours, traveled on business, and partied (I didn't know that at the time). My mom was a stay-at-home mom so she was there all the time. I don't remember much at all about the break-up. I have one memory of me running through the house crying. I remembered the running & crying, my Dad filled in for me that it occurred when my mom and dad explained to my brother and I that they were splitting up.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My whole life changed, not just the moment but the rest of my life changed.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">The immediate impact was that Dad was gone, and Mom, Brother & I moved. My best friend was my next door neighbor, and while we were still going to the same school, it was different. My mom's parents became even less visible after the break-up - they did not approve of divorce. My dad's mother was just as visible but pretty much only with my mother (she disapproved strongly and blamed it on her son). I had two homes (sort of). I had to split all holidays between two parents.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Shortly after my parents split up, my father moved in with another woman, who I suspect (but have no evidence for) he was seeing before the break. So I had a step-mother and she wasn't fun. We got to do lots of fun stuff with Dad, DisneyWorld, a trip across the country, we went to nice restaurants and shows, but we also were driven around by a drunk driver, exposed to lots of very loud yelling matches, and saw things thrown at people in anger. We were emotionally manipulated and there was anger directed at us by our step-mother. They broke up about 15 years later, shortly after that my father stopped drinking, met a lovely woman who is now my step-mother and they are great.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My mother raised us in a village of her friends, we often were at fun activities with her friends and their children. My mom's life was not easy. She went back to work after a decade of being at home. She tried to give us all the stuff we wanted and tried to compete with what my dad was able to do with us, but she ended up having to declare bankruptcy and we had to move to a cheap apartment building. The change in neighborhood and school was like landing on the moon. I had to toughen up and get street-smart really quickly.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I always knew stuff about my parents and their divorce that any expert today says a child should never know. I used to carry my Dad's support cheques home from visits. I knew that the support wasn't enough. I heard bad stuff spoken about both of my parents, not really bad stuff, but not nice.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I was torn apart. I loved both of my parents and wanted to be with both of them. The two houses had different rules and different atmospheres so I was constantly adjusting to what were supposed to be my homes. I didn't always want to go to my Dad's, I liked mom's and my friends were there, but I had no choice. Sometimes I wanted to be at Dad's, cooler toys, and even though my Dad was a drunk I loved him.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My parent's divorce changed me from being a care-free little girl into a cautious, scared too grown-up little girl. My parent's divorce and the scars it gave me is why I chose not to settle for the wrong Mr. Right. Why I chose to wait to get married until I found the one person I knew I could love and trust my whole life.</div>knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-68670940825944438662011-03-02T22:38:00.001-05:002011-05-10T23:08:33.280-04:00What Happened to My Dog?So for the one or two people out there who don't personally know me and read my blog, you may have noticed that when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 there was a dog in the mix, and since I have been writing again, the dog is absent. Here is the story of Dog.<br />
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When exHusband and I were almost living together we discussed that we both wanted a dog, I hadn't had a dog in years and exHusband had recently lost his dog. One day we were out shopping and stopped in the pet store, they had beagle puppies (exHusband had always wanted a beagle). The puppies were cute, I asked to hold one, he licked my nose, and that was that. Dog came home with us.<br />
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He was so cute, I don't think that there has ever been a cuter dog. He was really sweet. We loved him. <br />
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We tried to train him, but we failed. We never got him house-trained. It was terrible. We tried crate training but too late and not consistently enough. I tried a bunch of The Dog Whisperer's stuff and it helped a bit but it was hard. He was a barker, not the when left alone he barks the whole time barker, but the excited barker and the if anyone is in the hallway or stairwell barker. He had tons of energy and wanted to play all the time. He jumped up on people. He was a garbage hound, he would eat anything he could get, he ate the most beautiful chicken sandwich that exHusband had made for himself, right off the table. He ate chicken bones and broken light bulbs, which resulted in vet visits and disgusting messes. We loved him.<br />
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BBJ1 came along and we were really nervous about the dog. He was very energetic, he was a jumper and didn't seem to have any control over himself when he was excited. When we brought BBJ1 home from the hospital, it was amazing, he was a totally different dog. He was very protective over the baby, on day 1, he actually barked at exHusband the first time he held the baby, in front of Dog. He was calmer and just all around better. We loved him.<br />
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As BBJ1 became older and more mobile, there was a bit more of his old behavior coming through. I was pretty frustrated with him. Having your baby crawl into a puddle of dog urine is not good. BBJ1 was not a great sleeper and the dog would always start whining or barking just when I got him down, waking him up. It was also a big pain having to take him out with the baby in the winter, and the timing of needed walks often coincided with BBJ1 sleeping. We loved him.<br />
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I went back to work and while the behavior didn't change it wasn't as noticeable of a problem. We were all out all day, so it was just evenings and week-ends that we were all together. And there was an awesome benefit of having a garbage hound when you have a baby then toddler eating, I didn't need to sweep up all of the dropped/spilled/thrown food because the Dog would get it. We loved him.<br />
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Then BBJ2 came home. When that happened, BBJ1 and I were at home full-time. Things were not good. Once again Dog became very protective over the baby against <u>everyone</u> else. BBJ1 was not good with Dog, he chased the dog, grabbed the dog's tail, hit the dog, tried to ride the dog, etc. Dog reacted badly to BBJ1. He didn't hurt him but he was growling at him, and did snap at him. We were done.<br />
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My mother took him to try and find a home (a childless home) for him. She wasn't successful and Dog was being aggressive with her dog, so he went to the humane society. I wrote a very honest letter about him, about how sweet and loving he is, how he needs lots of attention and exercise and that he should not be around young children. He was adopted.<br />
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For a very long time (before the aggression to BBJ1) I felt like I failed with Dog. I really felt that if I could have been more consistent and sterner and and and, that he would have been a better dog. I don't feel that anymore, I think that he was a great dog, but not for our family. We still miss him, and still love him.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-890650908295679300.post-38019174777781011582011-02-28T22:32:00.000-05:002011-02-28T22:32:44.797-05:00I Almost Registered For a Dating SiteI know that I am not ready to date. I know that if I went on a date I would be completely pathetic and the poor sucker sitting across from me would run to the nearest monastery and never date again. I know that if I went on a date, I wouldn't be cute & funny & playful. All that said, I got an email from match.ca and clicked on the link, I was curious.<br />
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Before I met exHusband, I had a whole list of rules/criteria about meeting men to date: <br />
- no blondes<br />
- not shorter than me<br />
- no family connection<br />
- no set-ups<br />
- if you meet in a bar then it is a one-night stand only - no relationship<br />
- not at work<br />
- no dating services, no internet<br />
- no divorces<br />
- no children<br />
But none of this seems to be applicable anymore.<br />
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So anyway, I clicked on the link and was taken to the registration for the dating service. It asked me all kinds of questions about myself and then it started to ask me questions about the person I wanted to date. Salary range, ethnicity, job, physical characteristics, etc. I kept putting them all as "no preference". I had no idea what I would want and it just seemed so wrong. <br />
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It doesn't matter how much money someone makes or if they are an artist or an ad exec. It doesn't matter if someone is blonde or slender. It matters that you get along with the person, it matters if they appreciate you, it matters if they make you laugh, it matters if they laugh at your jokes, it matters if when you hold their hand you feel safe like that hand will stop all the bad things in the world from happening to you, it matters that when you kiss them you feel like you are home.<br />
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I had that all once and I hope that I can have it again some day, but I don't think that I will find it from a dating service, I need to see & hear & feel the person.knackeredmamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04982181528428199844noreply@blogger.com2