There are Attractive Men in the World Again

Ok, so I am sure that there has always been attractive men in the world, I'm just noticing again.

While exHusband & I were together, I didn't feel attraction to other men.  I would see an attractive man and think that they were good-looking or had a nice build, but I wouldn't feel that pull, that HMMMM that you get when you're attracted to someone.

For the first while after he left, I didn't notice any different.   That has changed.  There has been a few lately, sharing an elevator with the cu-tie after my therapy session, on the subway the other day, at the hospital yesterday, and at the park today.  All good-looking, and all a bit of a hmmm.

At one point I was convinced that I would never find anyone who I was attracted to as much as my exHusband - felt a little screwed about it.  The attraction I felt to these guys was not the same as that to exHusband, but it's a start.

Feels good, kind of like coming out of the fog, like my systems are running again, like maybe I'm healing a bit.

I Almost Registered For a Dating Site

I know that I am not ready to date.  I know that if I went on a date I would be completely pathetic and the poor sucker sitting across from me would run to the nearest monastery and never date again.  I know that if I went on a date, I wouldn't be cute & funny & playful.  All that said, I got an email from match.ca and clicked on the link, I was curious.

Before I met exHusband, I had a whole list of rules/criteria about meeting men to date:
- no blondes
- not shorter than me
- no family connection
- no set-ups
- if you meet in a bar then it is a one-night stand only - no relationship
- not at work
- no dating services, no internet
- no divorces
- no children
But none of this seems to be applicable anymore.

So anyway, I clicked on the link and was taken to the registration for the dating service.  It asked me all kinds of questions about myself and then it started to ask me questions about the person I wanted to date.  Salary range, ethnicity, job, physical characteristics, etc.  I kept putting them all as "no preference".  I had no idea what I would want and it just seemed so wrong.

It doesn't matter how much money someone makes or if they are an artist or an ad exec.  It doesn't matter if someone is blonde or slender.  It matters that you get along with the person, it matters if they appreciate you, it matters if they make you laugh, it matters if they laugh at your jokes, it matters if when you hold their hand you feel safe like that hand will stop all the bad things in the world from happening to you, it matters that when you kiss them you feel like you are home.

I had that all once and I hope that I can have it again some day, but I don't think that I will find it from a dating service, I need to see & hear & feel the person.

Living Single

I was feeling pretty good about not having to share my home with a man anymore, feeling a little bit like my old self, with my own place (although with a lot more toy cars than I remember), then it hit me, I'm single again.  This might be a problem.

What happens if I have a heart attack or fall down and crack my head open?  The boys don't know how to use the phone properly yet.  There isn't someone coming home from work in a couple of hours to find me.  No one will know.  What if the pizza delivery guy is a crazy pervert?  I know the odds of this happenning are very very low, but it wasn't something I needed to worry about a few months ago.

Here is the really bad thing - I am going to have to date again - OH MY GOD!!!!!!

I just remembered how terrible dating is.  On the subway yesterday, I saw a man that for some reason reminded me of a guy that I brought home once.  He didn't stay long, thankfully, because he scared the crap out of me.  He kept saying strange things about being dangerous, and I was completely creeped out by him.  I was convinced that he was involved in some scary stuff.  And then I got a bit mad, why didn't he steal me and sell me into the sex trade, what, I wasn't good enough?  In the end I decided that he was just some lame guy who believed that women like bad boys, so he was trying to be a bad boy, but in a really bad way.

It took over 2 months with one of ex-boyfriends before I was sure that we were dating and not buddies.  We kept going out, but so often one of his buddies would be with us, we always did fun stuff, always in casual clothes.  I was never sure if he was just a new friend or a new boy-friend.  Turned out he was the latter, he was taking his time, and sometimes taking your time with a woman can be a good thing!!

There was the guy that I sat in Fran's with until 4 in the morning, drinking coffee and maple syrup, we laughed almost continuously, flirted non-stop.  We had worked together for a while before this first date,  so we knew each other, and it didn't feel like a first date.  At 4am, we ended up heading back to my place, as he was too tired to drive himself home way out beyond suburbia.  He slept on the couch, not even a kiss, and he farted loudly and smellily all night.

By the way, I am not a slut, I know that two thirds of my bad dating examples involved me bringing home men on first dates, but I didn't do that with all of them.  Sometimes I went to their place.