PEE!! It's Everywhere It's Everywhere

I hate potty/toilet training!  I hate pee, or worse poop being anywhere except in the toilet or in a diaper.  I have been unbelievably horrified and traumatized over the last couple of years by this process, and am so scared of it all happening again with BBJ2.  However, some of the stories are a teeny bit funny, even to me.

When BBJ1 was a baby I read every book about babies from the local library, one of them was about how you don't need to wait until they 'are ready' to toilet train, that in fact you can toilet train a 6 month old.  So I tried when he was about 8 months old, not a success but not a disaster.  He seemed almost ready just before turning 2, but BBJ2 was coming and I didn't bother because I kept reading that most children that age will revert after a sibling is born, so what was the point?  There was a week shortly after BBJ2 was born when he started using the potty, it was the week that his Nanny was here to help.  As soon as she was gone, he stopped. His usage of the potty was very on again/off again between then and returning to daycare.  Within 3 weeks of being back in daycare surrounded by other children his age who used the toilet, he was in underwear & making it through the day without an accident about 80% of the time - while at daycare.  He is doing really well with the toilet now, goes on his own, and taught himself to pee standing up. Here are just a few of his stories:

"Mom, I just peed on my totally awesome bed", this was said to me a couple of nights ago, within 2 minutes of him getting out of the bath, while I was getting BBJ2 into his pajamas.  BBJ1 received a full bed-set for Christmas to go with his 'big boy bed' that he got earlier this year.  It included a nice soft mattress pad, 2 new pillows, Buzz Light-year & Woody sheets and pillow-cases, a nice blue comforter and a Buzz/Woody soft blanket.  BBJ1 has actually wanted to sleep in his bed (instead of with Mommy) since the addition of his new bedding.  So he peed on it, yay, so much fun to now have to strip & re-make the bed while it is already bed-time.  While I was stripping the bed and putting on clean sheets, he took the pillows & soft blanket (safe from the pee) and all of his stuffed animals and put them in BB2's crib to give him a 'funk bed' (I don't know what he was meaning, sounds like bunk bed but doesn't really make sense).  I left the room to go do something and came back to BBJ1 standing in BBJ2's crib with his penis in his hand, peeing over the crib rail onto the rug.  Yes, it was a good night!

Cleaning the Toilet
BBJ2 loves brooms and sweeping, so someone gave him a cute little toy house cleaning set for Christmas, broom, mop, etc.  One day over the holidays, the boys were sitting quietly on the couch watching a movie, so I went to the kitchen and was doing dishes.  I thought I heard some strange noises, but just wrote it off to the movie or neighbors.  After about a minute, I thought "no, that is coming from the bathroom", I turned the water off, "Uh Oh".  I went to the washroom, one has the toy broom, the other has the toy mop and they are 'cleaning' the toilet, and laughing their buts off.  There is yellow water flying everywhere.  BBJ1 had his pants & pull-ups around his ankles.   The two of them were screaming at me when I took the toys away to be sanitized and when I washed their hands & faces, "Mooommmm we are cleaning!!!".   Not sure if this one is a story about successful toilet training, the disgustingness of little boys, or how sweet my boys are to help clean up.  We did have lots of chats about flushing after this.

Seriously, If I had known about this I would not have had children:
One day BBJ1 is doing a naked day.  I am sitting on the couch nursing BBJ2 hopefully to sleep.  BBJ1 goes into my bedroom, I think that he is going to look out the window.  Some time goes by.  BBJ1 walks from my bedroom into the bathroom, he is carrying something in his hand, a baby hat that he had been wearing for fun earlier.  I hear a splash, then the water in the sink is turned on and off, then he leaves the bathroom.  "Umm, what did you just do? Did you put something in the toilet?" "Yes, my poop" "Really"  "Yes"  At this point BBJ2 was asleep and I managed to transfer him into his crib without waking him (a miracle), and I went to investigate.  There was poop in the toilet, the hat (with poop smears on the inside) was in the sink and wet.  Then I think "wait a minute where did he go poop, did he hold the hat under his bum? I doubt it.  He was in my room. OH NO".  "BBJ1, where did you go poop?" "In your room" "OK, but where, show me"  He points to my bed, with the mostly white duvet cover.  In my head "NOOOOOO".  I'm looking but I don't see anything, I move closer and he yells at me to stop.  I was about to step on the poop, but was saved.  So, he pooped on my bedroom floor, scooped the poop up in a hat, carried it into the washroom, dumped the poop in the toilet and then 'washed' the hat out.  So, not a toilet training success story, but a good cleaning up story.

I'm just crossing my fingers that BBJ2 will follow a different path.

An Old Year

When people have a bad year they often say something like "good riddance" at New Year's.  I had a really bad year, but I wouldn't wish away the year if I could.  (I would wish away some of what happened this past year, but that is a different story.) Yes, bad things happened, but amazing things happened too.

I became a single mom, against my will, against everything I wanted for me and for my boys.  It totally sucked and there were many many times I didn't think I could do it.  I also became a good single mom, it took some work, it took a crap-load of energy and it took a lot of intelligence and insight.  I'm not where I want to be yet, but my boys are pretty happy, they are healthy, they are intelligent, and they are loved.  I had to change things about myself to do it, I had to accept help, I had to be more selfless, and I had to be more selfish.

The boys did some amazing things this year and I got to see all of it.  BBJ2 took his first steps, learned to walk, learned to climb, said his first word, has hundreds of words and many phrases now, and he said "I love you mommy".  BBJ1 is toilet trained (mostly), and taught himself to pee standing up.  It hasn't been an easy year for the boys, mostly for BBJ1.  He had a really hard time when Daddy moved out, but he seemed to be adjusting, he had a hard time when Daddy visits became erratic, and even harder when Daddy visits stopped, but he seems to be adjusting again.  We (BBJ1 and I, with a lot of advice from my Therapist) have been working on dealing with his anger and temper and it does seem to be helping, tantrums and violence are much less frequent than before.  Overall though he is an amazing little guy, sweet and loving, intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative, and most of the time happy (and he has the most beautiful skin ever - I am so envious).   BBJ2 has gone from being a baby to a little person with his own personality and quirks.  He went from a quiet little guy to a chatterbox and recently developed the need to shriek NO at me numerous times a day, but he also says "Hi Mom" to me about 20 times a day and each time it is so sweet.  One of the coolest things is that they went from being my 2 sons, to being brothers, they fight, they are possessive, they are sweet, and they care about each other.

It was a hard year, I spent the first half of the year home alone with the boys and the second half of the year back at work trying to balance everything.  I became totally broke trying to cover rent, daycare, bills, food, and diapers by myself.  I have managed to get myself to a place where I am ok but still broke.  The only people I was able to buy Christmas presents for were the boys, and it was one gift from me, one gift from Santa, and their stockings and that was all.  An amazing thing happened though, people helped, a lot of the help came from my father, but there were lots of other people who don't have much to give, but gave me a little something.  A couple of family members are paying me back money I lent them years ago and never expected to see again.  My step-mom sent diapers when my Dad came to visit.  My brothers helped with some heavy lifting, van providing, and moving of furniture.  My girlfriends gave me some cash. A couple of the women I work with gave me Christmas presents, for me, which is not the norm at my office.  I have often given/lent people money in the past when I had it to give and had always 'written it off', I thought of it as a gift not a loan.  Well, those 'gifts' have been paid back, not always by the person who I gifted, but it came back when I needed it the most.  I'm now living on a pretty tight budget that doesn't leave room for an emergency or anything fun, and it is not easy for me, but it will get better and I don't think that I will ever hit a time when the cable, internet, cell phone, and home phone all get cut off in the same week again.

Going back to work was both tough and a really good thing.  Work gave me a place to use my mind, and a place to be away from memories, and a place to be a social grown-up.  Work also gave me back travel.  I love to travel but haven't for the last bunch of years.  This year I've been to England 3 times, Montreal, the Northeast US, and to Paris.  It was really tough doing the travel, for both me and the boys. They were not o.k. with mom going away, and I don't blame them.  I felt guilty, guilty for leaving them knowing that they were not o.k. with it, I felt guilty for having my mom take care of them (she isn't a spring-chicken), I felt guilty for wanting to be away.  But it has been o.k.  The boys seem to be better with my last trip.  My mom is totally good for continuing to do this, she enjoys the time with the boys, who are better behaved, better eaters, and better sleepers for Grandma than they are for mom.  My trips have been up and down, but the last one was to Paris and I had an amazing time, it was exhausting, long meetings (including conference calls with people in N.A. after the day had finished over there), but I was in Paris, had great food, great wine, and some nice company.

I think though, that the most important thing that happened this past year, is that I remembered that I am valuable, that I am worth a lot.  I had lost sight of that, partly the marriage and partly the children, but the break-up really squashed my sense of worth.  It took a long time to really remember and see how great I am.  I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but at the same time I have many positive attributes.  People would tell me these things and many of them I could agree with intellectually but not emotionally.  There are so many people in my life who love me and think that I am pretty great, and now I agree with them.

So, a very tough year, but a year filled with amazing stuff and good learnings.  I hope that the next year brings more good than bad.  I hope that when the bad happens I am able to remember what I learned this year.  I am strong and I am a mother, I will survive because I have to, I have two very precious little guys who need me.  But, I won't just survive,  because I choose to live my life my way.  I won't wallow in my pain and chalk it up to fate or punishment, pain is a lesson (so far honestly I haven't figured out my lesson) and without it, joy wouldn't be so joyful.  I choose to be me and I choose to see the goodness in the world, I choose to see the unbelievable beauty we are surrounded with, I choose to try to be a good person, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother, I choose to smile, I choose to laugh, I choose to breath, I choose to melt when I have a boy sitting on each side of me and they both lean into me, and I choose to be happy.

As an addendum, my year by the numbers:
0 - # of times I won the lottery
1 - # of nights that I had more than 8 hours straight sleep (on business trip)
1 - # of my duvets I had to throw out due to disgusting illness of my children
2 - # of chest x-rays BBJ2 had
2 - # of hair-cuts BBJ1 and I have had
4 - # of litres of milk the boys go through in a week-end
5 - # of times I had to clean out the fridge because BBJ2 got in there and spilt stuff
6 - # of nights that I had 7-8 hours of straight sleep (on business trip)
9 - # of times I had to have blood tests
13 - # of times I swept the floor yesterday
14 - # of times BBJ2 has vomited on me
47 - # of times we have watched "Land of the Lost" (BBJ2 is obsessed with "Dr. Rick Marshall" -  I must say that Will Ferrell's comic genius means that even after 40 viewings, I still laugh at the scene where he douses himself with and drinks dinosaur urine)
63 - # of times I have cleaned pee off of the floor (an approximation)
85 - # of times BBJ2 got excited by Christmas lights (this is an approximation, actual number may be a bit lower)
210 - # of loads of laundry (# accurate to 91%)
758 - # of times I have audibly sighed
897 - # of km I put on the stroller (this is an approximation, actual # probably higher)

One Week Left

I am back in the office in a week.  So not ready.  BBJ1 starts his daycare transition today, so I have one week to do everything that is impossible to do with them, and one week to get my fucked up head in place, not feeling confident about the outcome.

There is a bunch of home stuff that I plan on doing, and even more that I would like to do, but won't/can't.  I'm planning on doing a thorough cleaning, cleaning the oven (hasn't been done in years), pulling out the fridge and cleaning under it, that type of stuff.  Plan on installing a blind in the boys room.  Need to sort through their clothes and move stuff to storage.  I had been planning on painting the boys room this week, but that won't happen because there is still some extra furniture in there that I can't paint around.

I need to pull together some sort of wardrobe for work, none of my work clothes are even close to fitting me.  I had expected that once I started my thyroid meds that I would gain back some weight but that hasn't happened.  Might end up doing some sewing to try and put some stuff together.

I need to put some space in my head to fill with work, but I don't know if I can.  This last week has been really tough in so many ways, with the boys, with money, but the worst is that I have been dwelling in anger, and sadness.  In some ways being on mat leave when my marriage crumbled was the worst timing (money & being alone with the boys 24/7), but at the same time if one day at 2pm I lost it, I could just sit on the floor in the kitchen and cry (I tried to limit this as I know it isn't great for the boys), but it is not ok to do that at work.

I'm hoping that I get lots done, but mostly hoping that the boys have a good week.

Mother's Day is Everyday

My interpretation of Mother's Day is that it is a day designated for people to show appreciation to the people who have mothered them.  Mother's do so much for their children everyday, often putting aside their own needs and wants.  For a long time the children are too young to give formal appreciation and don't understand that their mother needs or wants to be appreciated.

We Started Daycare This Week

I have about a month until my maternity leave is over and I go back to work, so we started BBJ2's transition to daycare this week.

After much debate on nanny vs daycare centre vs at-home daycare, the boys will be attending a daycare centre (the same one that BBJ1 attended prior to BBJ2's birth), while I am at work.  The daycare is wonderful and I know that both the boys will be happy there, will make friends, learn to socialize, and will learn so much.  It will add about an hour to both ends of my commute, and it will be tough getting all 3 of us fed and ready and out the door, and it is not cheap, but I feel it is the best thing for my boys and therefore will hopefully tough it out.

My Poor Sweet Boy

I feel so sad for my boys, that they don't have their Dad, who they love and want so much, with them.

BBJ2 seems to be o.k., he is only 10 months old and in just less than 4 months he will have spent half his life with Dad and the other half without.  When he is with his Dad, he just melts into him and he doesn't want to let go, however I don't see any indications that it is a problem for him that Dad isn't around all the time.  I am guessing though, that at some point he will understand and want Dad around more, but he will be used to it.  I hope that he will be o.k.

BBJ1 is a whole different ball of wax.  He is sad and angry.  This morning he said he wanted Dad here, he wanted to go to the elevator and meet him, when I told him that Dad wasn't here and wasn't coming he became very angry and hit me.  A phone call helped for a little while, but he brought it up again a few hours later.

My Son Could be One of the Jackasses

Johnny Knoxville, Bam Magera, Steve-O, my older boy is one of you.  BBJ1 has seen Jackass at least once, however his crazy started way before the viewing.

Crazy physical stunts, check:
He will climb anything.  He will use a truck as the first step in climbing, trucks have wheels and will slip out from under you.  He will drag furniture around to help him get up.  He uses the stroller to take pictures down from the wall.  He likes to stand with one foot on top of his brother's crib and the other foot on the ladder to the bunk-bed - about 3 feet away.  He thinks that the Diaper Genie is a safe climbing tool.

One of his favorite things to do is to stand on the coffee table, on top of a pillow and then jump onto the couch.  He throws himself back and forth on the couch, not caring that there is a glass topped coffee table a foot away.  He will dive from anything to anything.  He once took a dive from one end of the bed to the other end, smashing his face into the metal bed frame.

He has excellent balance, he often stands and walks on the couch arm (about 2 inches wide).  Lately he has taken to walking on the edge of the tub while I take my shower, and even when wet he hasn't fallen.

Dangerous weapons, check:
He is currently obsessed with swords.  The other day I was on the couch nursing BBJ2, and BBJ1 was on the kitchen counter.  I wasn't worried, I just thought "great more flour to clean up", forgetting that there was a big bread knife in the sink.  He runs out from the kitchen, plants his feet and holds the knife just like a sword and yelled something.  I made him a sword out of cardboard, but he rejected it and keeps asking for his sword.

Anything he finds that could be used to swing around, he will.  We've been having curtain rod problems, so there has been a few of them hidden behind doors until they are re-installed.  These are constantly being swung around and held while running.

Handles physical pain, check:
Today I broke a vase in the kitchen, when I was finished cleaning it up, BBJ1 took the vacuum so that he could clean the couch (such a good boy).  I was doing dishes when he started yelling for me, he had the vacuum hose stuck to his cheek.  I turned the vacuum off to stop the suction, he had a fit, "put it back on mommy, need to clean face mommy, meanwhile he had a huge really red round mark on his face.  He has had more split lips, bloody noses, and bumps on the head than I have had in my entire life.

Gross stuff, check:
The kid will put his hand in a poopy diaper to touch his penis, enough said.

Eating weird stuff, maybe:
He does eat some weird things, like Cheesies dipped in milk, but there are lots of things that he will not eat based solely on a visual inspection.

Getting his hands dirty, probably not:
He does not care if his entire body, face and head are covered in any kind of disgusting goo, but he hates having the palms of his hands dirty or wet.  If he falls down in the mud, he will try to get up without using his hands (hilarious stuff, I have some great video footage).  When he is eating, he will stop and ask for his hands to be cleaned so that he can continue.

Walking on stuff bare foot, maybe:
He generally doesn't like getting things on the bottom of his feet.  He is almost always barefoot at home (his preference), and if he steps on a cheerio he will stop, hold his foot up until it is cleaned.  He doesn't like walking on sand barefoot.

So overall, I think he has a lot of the right qualities to be a famous fool, he does have some stuff to work on, we'll see how it goes.

Sickness Sucks

Man! It has been a tough week.  Both the boys and I have been sick, yucky sick.

I have been pretty lucky so far with the boys health.  BBJ1 had runny noses when he was teething, but was pretty healthy the first year until he hit daycare.  Within the first couple of months of starting daycare, he had croup, an ear infection, a cold, and one night of dreadful vomiting, other than that he has been healthy. During all of those sicknesses exHusband was here to share in the care-giving.  We took turns taking time off work to be home with BBJ1, even sometimes splitting the day.  We both cleaned vomit, we both cleaned the nose, we both held him and rocked him to make him feel better - we shared the load.  This is the first time that BBJ2 has been sick.

It started with BBJ2, and for the first 2 days, I could rarely put him down, he was either nursing or in my arms.  Those days were exhausting, it is hard almost constantly holding the baby, while also trying to keep a toddler alive.  Then BBJ2 started to get better, he was crawling around, but he still wouldn't eat any solid food which means lots more nursing than normal.  As BBJ2 was getting better BBJ1 started to become sick.  I must say the kid is such a trouper, diarrhea & vomiting and not one complaint from him, just demands to clean the mess.  He was exhausted, slept more than normal and was unbelievably calm.  It was like a little holiday for me that made me very sad.

I get scared when my kids are not feeling well.  I was taking temperatures constantly.  I was watching them like a hawk.  There was more than once when I was on the verge of packing them up to go to the hospital or the pediatric walk-in clinic.  There was no need to take them, they were just sick, but it really freaks me out when they are not o.k.

I was also exhausted.  The first night of BBJ2's sickness, I didn't sleep and he barely slept, I don't remember if the sleep got any better for the following nights.  Diaper changes were occurring about 4 times more frequently than normal.  I had to do laundry so that we would all have clean sheets in our beds, then had to laundry the next day so that they would have clean pajamas, they were going through them so fast.  I was constantly trying to clean everything to make sure that the germs weren't going back in to them.

Then I got hit with it, just as they both were through the worst of it.  Bloody rough.   Most of yesterday I was fighting to not pass out and leave the 2 of them fending for themselves.  BBJ1 was now fully recovered and was jumping on me, on my nauseous belly, and would not calm down.  I tried explaining that mommy was sick like he had been - he did not give a rat's ass.

I know that if I wasn't a single mother, it still would have been hard dealing with all of the sickness, but I missed having that in person second opinion (I think that it is pretty hard to understand how sick someone is by text message), I missed having an extra pair of hands to help with the heavy lifting, I think the boys missed having the second person to hug, while I was busy with the other one.  The being sick myself is completely different without a partner, I remember exHusband staying home from work when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 when I was really sick, so that BBJ1 would be taken care of properly and so that I could recuperate better.

How do you handle sickness in your home?  Any tips for the next time?

What Happened to My Dog?

So for the one or two people out there who don't personally know me and read my blog, you may have noticed that when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 there was a dog in the mix, and since I have been writing again, the dog is absent.  Here is the story of Dog.

When exHusband and I were almost living together we discussed that we both wanted a dog, I hadn't had a dog in years and exHusband had recently lost his dog.   One day we were out shopping and stopped in the pet store, they had beagle puppies (exHusband had always wanted a beagle).  The puppies were cute, I asked to hold one, he licked my nose, and that was that.  Dog came home with us.

He was so cute, I don't think that there has ever been a cuter dog.  He was really sweet.  We loved him.

We tried to train him, but we failed.  We never got him house-trained.  It was terrible.  We tried crate training but too late and not consistently enough.  I tried a bunch of The Dog Whisperer's stuff and it helped a bit but it was hard.  He was a barker, not the when left alone he barks the whole time barker, but the excited barker and the if anyone is in the hallway or stairwell barker.  He had tons of energy and wanted to play all the time.  He jumped up on people.  He was a garbage hound, he would eat anything he could get, he ate the most beautiful chicken sandwich that exHusband had made for himself, right off the table.  He ate chicken bones and broken light bulbs, which resulted in vet visits and disgusting messes.  We loved him.

BBJ1 came along and we were really nervous about the dog.  He was very energetic, he was a jumper and didn't seem to have any control over himself when he was excited.  When we brought BBJ1 home from the hospital, it was amazing, he was a totally different dog.  He was very protective over the baby, on day 1, he actually barked at exHusband the first time he held the baby, in front of Dog.  He was calmer and just all around better.  We loved him.

As BBJ1 became older and more mobile, there was a bit more of his old behavior coming through.  I was pretty frustrated with him.  Having your baby crawl into a puddle of dog urine is not good.  BBJ1 was not a great sleeper and the dog would always start whining or barking just when I got him down, waking him up.  It was also a big pain having to take him out with the baby in the winter, and the timing of needed walks often coincided with BBJ1 sleeping.  We loved him.

I went back to work and while the behavior didn't change it wasn't as noticeable  of a problem.  We were all out all day, so it was just evenings and week-ends that we were all together.  And there was an awesome benefit of having a garbage hound when you have a baby then toddler eating, I didn't need to sweep up all of the dropped/spilled/thrown food because the Dog would get it.  We loved him.

Then BBJ2 came home.  When that happened, BBJ1 and I were at home full-time.  Things were not good.  Once again Dog became very protective over the baby against everyone else.  BBJ1 was not good with Dog, he chased the dog, grabbed the dog's tail, hit the dog, tried to ride the dog, etc.  Dog reacted badly to BBJ1.  He didn't hurt him but he was growling at him, and did snap at him.  We were done.

My mother took him to try and find a home (a childless home) for him.  She wasn't successful and Dog was being aggressive with her dog, so he went to the humane society.  I wrote a very honest letter about him, about how sweet and loving he is, how he needs lots of attention and exercise and that he should not be around young children.  He was adopted.

For a very long time (before the aggression to BBJ1) I felt like I failed with Dog.  I really felt that if I could have been more consistent and sterner and and and, that he would have been a better dog.  I don't feel that anymore, I think that he was a great dog, but not for our family.  We still miss him, and still love him.

I Took Off For A Couple of Days

This week I went on a business trip to England.  I had mixed feelings about going on the trip, but am glad that I did.

Excited:
- I haven't been off the North American continent in about 5 years, and hadn't been to England in about 8 years.
- I thought that I would be able to catch up on sleep.
- I was going to use my brain again
- I was going to be in a completely adult world
- I was going to be able to have a drink
- I was going to be able to wear clothes that had nothing to do with nursing or trekking through the snow or pushing a swing
- exHusband would be spending a lot of time with the boys alone and would finally understand why I was such a crank

Nervous/Worried:
- I was very worried that I hadn't stock-piled enough breast-milk for BBJ2
- I was worried that I might lose my milk
- I was worried that BBJ2 might decide that he prefers a bottle to the breast
- I was nervous about meeting lots of new colleagues
- I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to have a conversation if it didn't involve Dora or Buzz Lightyear
- I was a bit worried that my emotions might run amuck and I wouldn't be able to hold it together

The Results:
- Spent 2 days in England and saw the airport, and 2 hotels, so I didn't really get to explore or shop the way I like to when I travel.
- Came home more tired than before I left.  Couldn't sleep on the plane even though I was in Executive Class with the fancy full bed/seat.  Stuck at a Holiday Inn next to a theme park during a week that was a school break, so there were children running up and down the halls screaming and laughing, and I think my hotel room was haunted.  Again on the plane home couldn't sleep.
- I did use my brain and it was awesome.
- Completely adult world = excellent.  I did get to do some baby/child talk though because some of my colleagues have children and one was pregnant, so of course lots of baby chit chat.
- I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine.  I've been pretty much pregnant or nursing (or both) for over 3 years now, so my tolerance is a bit low.  I did not make a fool of myself - so that was good.
- Clothes - WooHoo, loved wearing clothes that were for me.
- I think he gets it
- There is still milk in the freezer - Whew!
- Still producing - while I was away my breasts were huge and felt like they were filled with milk, I was  pumping to keep up supply but wasn't able to pump as frequently as BBJ2 nurses.
- Still nursing
- I don't know why I always get nervous about meeting new people, it is almost always o.k., and this time was no problem.
- I did have a conversation about Dora, but otherwise was able to have intelligent conversations
- Emotions stayed in check while I was at the conference, I did lost it a bit on the plane home, but otherwise o.k.

Overall, it was a success, I was able to function in a work environment and I made some great contacts for when I return to work, BBJ1 had an excellent time with Dad, BBJ2 had a hard time without breast-feeding but he was fine, and exHusband had some good dedicated parenting time with his boys.

Cherish the Little Moments

Lots of little happy sweet things have happened today, they happen every day, but today I noticed them and told myself to remember them.  The big stuff (vacations, big firsts) are important to remember but it is the little things that happen everyday that make us happy, if we want to be.

Little Moments - hugs - the last few days BBJ1 has been very loving and it is so sweet, I have been getting lots of hugs accompanied by "I love you too, mom".  (he says it first, but always says too)  Some of them come at inopportune times like during diaper change or while I'm trying to nurse BBJ2, but I just melt into them and feel so loved.

Little Moments - dancing -  my bedroom has become a dance club, we turn on the music and dance and laugh

Little Moments - flying - I lie on my back and the boys take turns flying on my legs.  BBJ1 loves this and laughs and screams, the really great moment is when BBJ2 has his turn and his face goes from stoic when I put him up to a huge grin as he very gently bounces up and down.

Little Moments - running through our home on tiptoe today with BBJ1, we took turns being the chaser and chasee and the chaser always says "I'm gonna get you" and then we both end up collapsing on the bean bag or the bed with a "I got you" and lots of giggles at the end.

Little Moments - BBJ1 passed gas while in the tub, there was a look of surprise and then a huge smile and tons and tons of laughter.

Little Moments - when I am nursing BBJ2 and BBJ1 cuddles up next to him on the nursing pillow, it is crowded, but the sweetness is worth it.

Little Moments - the day that BBJ2 first followed me from one room to another.

Little Moments - peaking in on them while they are sleeping and seeing the peace on their beautiful little faces.

Little Moments - when BBJ2 gave me a huge smile followed by his sweet head tilt while I was feeding him his cereal.

Little Moments - playing cars with BBJ1, he is very serious about the playing, but also just glows from the attention.

Little Moments - when holding BBJ2 and he just leans his head on my chest, makes me want to melt.

All these little moments are so important, they let me know that my children love me and trust me, they let me know that my children are happy, these are the moments that are really important.  I hope that I am able to always recognize the little moments and be present with my children during them.  I think that these little moments are what really makes the relationship, not the big stuff.

BBJ1 is a Comedian

BBJ1 was funny tonight.

He had a late afternoon nap, falling asleep in the stroller when we went to the drugstore.  I had to wake him up for dinner and he was grumpy at the time.  We had roast beef, mashed potatoes, vegies and gravy.  He said "no, I want lunch from the cupboard", I went through everything in the cupboard, and he said no to everything.  He then requested waffles, so I made the waffles and presented them to him and I received this response "I want more, I want more".  I asked "more what?", "more".  This went on for quite a while until he came up with "candy, I want more candy".  From this point on he was just funny.

I was in the bedroom putting on BBJ2's pajamas.  BBJ2 was wailing (tired and teething).  BBJ1 walks in and says "what is going on in here mom?"  in this totally serious and stern voice.

He was eating these gummy candy things that came in a cup.  He removed them from the cup and they were stuck together in one huge lump.  He was standing on the coffee table while I was nursing BBJ2.  I requested one of his candies.  He took the lump of candies, hid it behind his back and said "I am putting them away now", again in a very serious voice.

Later while I was trying to put BBJ2 down, BBJ1 came in and was playing with the candies, I took one and put it in my mouth.  He gave me a funny face, held out his hand and said "my candy, I need that back", so I took it out of my mouth and returned it to him.  He inspected and then said "OK" and put it down.

He accidently left a couple of the candies on the chair, so when he left the room, I put one in my mouth, when he came back I was chewing, he gave me the mad face, held out his hand and said "mom, those are my candies, leave them"  when I explained that it was too late, I had already eaten, he shook his head at me.

I'm sure there was more but that is all I can remember right now.

And yes, you caught it, my son had gummies for dinner and that is o.k.

Another fun thing, I'm pretty sure that BBJ2 said "mom" tonight.

1 year, 3 months later and sad as hell

So, it has been a long time since I last posted. What has happened during that time?

I got pregnant again, had another beautiful boy, and my husband left me.

I'm currently on mat leave with both of my little guys home with me. My husband left 3 days ago. Tonight is the first night it is just the 3 of us here in our home.

Catch up:

I was back at work for just over a year before #2 was born. I thought it was a good year. Work went really well, worked on some tough projects, got lots of kudos, managed to not get hit during a re-org. #1 son seemed to flourish at daycare, everyone there loved him and he loved it. The pregnancy went pretty well, full-term this time, but another c-section. Husband pulled his weight, he did mornings with #1 son (I got out of bed, hit the shower, got dressed, said good-bye and left), I did evenings while husband worked.

The pregnancy was a complete surprise. When #2 son arrived, the surprise turned out to be the most wonderful gift that I had no idea I wanted or needed. He is a wonderful baby, so calm and sweet and happy. He slept lots and for over 2 months he slept from 10pm to 5/6/7am every night. This of course did not last and now I get maybe 4 hours of non-contiguous sleep a night,

Being on mat leave has been tough. #1 Son is a ball of energy. All summer we were at the park twice a day every day - it was the only way to keep my sanity. He can get into everything and anything in our home. We live in a 2 bedroom apt and it has been really cramped. I was really stressed about our living situation for quite a while, but it passed (mostly). We have to make do with what we have, right? About the same time that #2 stopped sleeping at night, #1 stopped napping and refused to have a quiet time.

So less than 2 weeks ago, I learned that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me. This is the saddest thing that I have ever gone through. I am heartbroken and angry. I never wanted to be a single mom, but here I am, a single mom. I had really thought that we were one of those special couples that make it all the way. We used to joke about changing each other's diapers. I used to picture us sitting in rockers on a porch surrounded by our grandchildren.

Now I picture myself alone.

Back at Work & OK

So I have been back at work for about a month, and was pleasantly surprised to find that I am quite happy being at work, but do feel guilty about feeling that way.

Prior to Baby being born, I thought that I would have a hard time being at home for a year, and thought that I would want to go back early.  Once Baby was born, I didn't think or care about work at all.  As my return date neared, I really dreaded going back and leaving Baby to be cared  for by others,  but for financial reasons there was no choice.

The hardest time was probably the few weeks prior to returning to the office when I was taking Baby to daycare to gradually get him used to it.  When I was out alone during those days, I felt like I was only half of myself.  I had gotten so used to him being with me all the time that I didn't feel whole without him.  When I realized this, it was really unnerving.  Who had I become that I wasn't o.k. by myself.  I am one of those people who like being alone, I have eaten in restaurants, gone to movies, travelled all by myself (I have gone to bars by myself, but I was always meeting someone so that doesn't count), and now I was feeling weird going to Starbucks or  Timmy's alone.  

Once I was back at work, I actually felt happier and less tired, although I am still tired, it is a different tired.  

Baby is doing great at daycare.  We were  really lucky that we were able to  get into a very good daycare not to far from home (2 subway stops & a 5 minute walk).  He really seems to like it there and amazingly he sleeps really well.  On the nights that he is at daycare he is down by 8 and stays down until around 5 in the morning.  Now, if only I could get to sleep earlier, although I would miss Husband if I went to bed earlier.

Another great thing is Husband has totally stepped up.  He is doing the mornings with Baby, giving him breakfast, getting him dressed and dropping him off at daycare so that I can get to work early enough to leave in time to get him from daycare.  Although it was hard last Saturday when Baby cried because Husband was going into work and leaving him alone with Mom.

So except for the guilt (which is slowing ebbing away), going back to work seems to be the best thing for our family.  Baby is happy, making friends, and learning tons of  stuff.  Husband is spending more time with Baby and their relationship is flourishing.  I am more content and a lot less frazzled.

A Big Week - Lots of Firsts

Wow, so much has happened this week;

- Baby's First Birthday Party

- My first evening outing without Baby (My first time drinking since Baby)

- Baby's First Birthday 

- Baby's first time walking by himself

- Baby registered for Daycare

- Baby is starting to eat real food

The birthday party was great, it was a small gathering of family sharing their love for my little one.  Baby received lots of lovely gifts, nice clothes, fun toys that he really likes.  The best thing by far was his first cake.  We had both chocolate and vanilla - his first time having cake, why assume that he would prefer one over the other - and he loved it.  His face was hilarious, kind of like 'this is the best thing in the world ever, Mom, Dad, why have you not given this to me before????'.  I did miss a lot of it as I was in the kitchen dishing out cake for others, but it was awesome.

Husband & Girlfriend made arrangements for a night out for me, the first one since I became pregnant.   I wasn't nervous about Baby, although was nervous for Husband, this was the first time Baby was going to be without the Boob for bed-time.  The thing I was most nervous about was over-doing it, I knew that Husband was telling Girlfriend to get me drunk and to bring me home very late.  Instead we had a great time, went to 3 different bars, had dinner and talked for hours.  I did drink but did not get out of control.  It was a great night for me.  I don't think Husband's night was so great, but he did a great job.

Baby's actual birthday was a quiet day - I was pretty tired from being out on the town the night before.  I did tell him the story of his birth and the days after until he came home from the hospital.  I explained how much we loved him and were so happy that we had him.  I  also sang happy birthday while he ate his sweet potatoes.

The day after his birthday, Baby walked.  Baby has been standing & pulling himself into a stand forever.  Before he started to really crawl, he would take steps if you held his hands but as soon as he was crawling, he refused.  (He is very independent and would prefer to crawl on his own then walk with help.)  He has been cruising for about two months and for about the last month lots of people have been saying 'oh he is going to be walking any day now' but he didn't.  Then suddenly he just took two steps by himself.  I couldn't believe it, I made all kinds of exclamations and did a little happy dance.  I grabbed the camera and kept asking him to do it again, and he did, he took about 5 steps across the kitchen and I managed to get it on video. The funniest thing was that Baby's expression was 'why is Mom so excited? I am just walking'. Husband was very sad that he missed it, but Baby did walk for him 2 days later.  It reminds me that for all the crap stuff that Husband misses, he also misses good stuff.  Seeing how sad Husband was, makes me think about how sad I will be when I miss stuff once I am back at work.

So one of the day-cares that we were wait-listed for called and advised they had a spot opening next month.  Although this day-care is not in the perfect location for us, they do have a really good rating with the city and I did like the place a lot so I jumped on the opening and we are now registered for day-care and will have a few weeks to transition Baby in.  One less thing for Husband to worry about.

Up until this week Baby has only eaten pureed foods, except for cereal and cake.  Every once in a while I would give him other stuff but he wouldn't even put it in his mouth.  This week for both his lunch and dinner I gave him solids.  Finally today, he started eating it, he didn't have a lot and most of it ended up in his bib or on the floor (he feeds the dog).  

So, lots of new stuff.  I was thinking how as adults our world doesn't change constantly, things are pretty stable especially compared to how quickly a baby's world changes.  Even when the surroundings don't change the baby's perspective changes since their own bodies are constantly changing and growing.  Baby's seem to deal with change so much better than adults, I hope that Baby will always handle change so nonchalantly as he handled his first steps.

Baby is on Twitter

Children are so much more technologically advanced than their parents.  Baby set himself up on Twitter before I set myself up.  His tweets are pretty funny, and interesting as I sometimes have a different point of view about the same event.  Also a bit scary knowing that he is following Stewie Griffin from Family Guy.

Here is one of his tweets:

"I'm freakin hilarious.  During diaper change got poop on my foot, wiped it off on Mom's arm, dog helped - tried to steal dirty diaper, hahaha"

That diaper change was not hilarious, I got poop on my arm and the dog almost took off with the dirty diaper, Baby was squirming like crazy trying to escape.

He does seem to think that the whole poop on Mom thing is much funnier than I do, he puts up lots of tweets regarding this topic.

Also interesting that he seems to think that taking the books and movies off the shelves is helping Husband & I re-organize, whereas to me it is just a pain in the butt where things get destroyed and I need to put stuff away.

Just hoping that his techno-savvy pays off and he finds a legitimate way to make tons of money on the internet while sleeping.

Daycare Should Not Be This Hard to Find

I am supposed to be back at work in 7 weeks and we don't have day care for Baby yet.  I should be panicking but I am pretty relaxed about it, Husband however is not relaxed at all.

When I was pregnant a couple of people made comments about getting the unborn Baby on waiting lists for day care.  I thought they were joking.  They were not.  For the first bunch of months after Baby, there was no way I was doing anything other than keeping him alive so no day care searching.  The next bunch of months I was in denial about having to ever leave Baby, so of course I didn't do anything about day care.  

Reality finally did settle in and I started searching.  I went to the Provincial web site for child services and searched for licensed day care in our area.  I then created a spreadsheet to track the information and started calling.  Everywhere I called had waiting lists of one to two years.  I asked to be placed on the waiting lists.  I then started waiting.  Meanwhile, Husband kept bringing me names & phone numbers of home care givers that he was picking off of bulletin boards.  I didn't call any of them - I really wanted Baby in a Day Care, not in home care.  

A mom at the library group we go to advised me to visit/call frequently as she believed that if the Director likes you and has you top of mind, you might get bumped up the list.  So, I started re-calling all the places, checking our status on the list and requesting tours/interviews.  Bunches of places will only give tours once you have a placement otherwise they are spending all their time giving tours.  I did go to my number two choice day care and fell in love with them.  Baby was on his best behavior and was flirty and charming with the Director & staff and did not hit or bite any of the other babies as requested by me (I was thinking maybe they would love Baby so much that they would want him to have the next spot).

It is still looking like a long shot for the day cares, so I started to call agencies that manage home care providers.  It is a compromise, in that the agencies are licensed by the government and oversee the care providers, checking on them once a month plus doing things like background checks.   After my first visit/interview with a possible home care provider, I am thinking about trying to bribe the day care Director.  The lady was very nice, but I just feel that a day care will be a better option for Baby.  

We have another interview this afternoon, and regardless of what I think of this one, it will probably not be a valid option.  Husband is very uncomfortable with the neighborhood and doesn't want me and Baby in that area, especially at night.

Hopefully something will happen, hopefully I am feeling calm about this as some sort of omen that everything will work out to the best.  Maybe the calmness is a premonition that we will win the lottery this week-end and I won't need to go back to work, and Baby can stay home with mom where he really belongs.

Below are links to articles about the sorry state of day care in Canada:

http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2009/02/06/f-daycare.html

http://www.todaysparent.com/behaviordevelopment/schoolage/article.jsp?content=20080215_115053_4716&page=1

On the 4th Day Everything Changes

It seems like whenever Baby is on a good run, it lasts for 3 days and then on the 4th everything changes.  This has happened numerous times over the past 50 weeks, and this week was one of them.

For the first 3 days this week, Baby has napped twice a day for a total of 3.5-4.5 hours and has slept pretty well at night.  I was starting to think that we were getting somewhere.  A lot of the naps were not in my arms, which was great because  I needed phone time to follow up on all the day care waiting lists we are on.  I was still going to sleep too late to take real advantage of his better night sleeping, but was feeling more energized nonetheless.  

Yesterday - Day 4 - the naps were much shorter.  The dog woke Baby up with useless barking (why does the dog need to bark when mail/flyers are dropped off) and I was not able to get him back down even though I was pretty sure he was still tired.  So, during the evening he was cranky and clingy but I was able to get him off to bed before 8pm.  

Up again at 12:08am, I managed to crawl back into bed about 1:30, but was up again at 2:30.  I then spent the rest of the night sitting up in Baby's room with both of us in and out of sleep until 5:40 when he was up for good.  Interesting that he seemed to be really feeding a lot during the night (most nights he seems to be sucking while not really feeding).  I am wondering if I am not feeding him enough during the day even though he is getting 3 solid meals a day.  (Cannot wait until he can communicate hunger separate from everything else).

So of course, since he was up at 5:40 am, he ended up going down for a nap at 9:30 am the morning we have 'Ready for Reading' at the library.  We did not make it.  Probably sadder for me since this is the one time a week I get to interact with other moms.

He is currently sleeping in his stroller, hopefully for another hour or two.

I wonder if this means that 2 days from now he will be sleeping well again........

10 minutes in bed for me

I swear that Baby's sleep pattern is worsening by the day/night.  It feels like he is sleeping less and less and will only sleep with a nipple in his mouth.  I was cutting him some slack as he was teething, however the teething appears to have stopped and things have not improved at all.

For a couple of weeks now, during the day, the longest he will nap in his crib is 20 minutes.  If I lay down with him, then he will nap for a couple of hours, however at least half of that time my nipple will be in his mouth.  

This habit appears to be moving into the night.  In addition my ability to get him into his crib when he is asleep appears to be diminishing.

Yesterday, we were at my in-laws for a visit.  A visit to the in-laws is always stressful for Husband and very exciting for Baby.  Normally Baby would have napped during the time that we were there, but the environment is so exciting (why don't grandparents & Aunts like babies to sleep?) that he won't nap.  He will only nurse enough to keep his energy up, not as thoroughly as at home.  

He did nap for about 20 minutes on the drive home, which seemed to be enough to give him his second wind, so that when we arrived home he was all happy and awake.   

Around 6pm, Baby had a bath and then had his p.j.s put on.  I was planning on giving him a quick dinner and then starting the bed-time wind down, but while I was putting his p.j.s on, he latched on.  I nursed him and surprisingly he fell asleep.  He went down in his crib no problem.  Husband and I started to take advantage of the free time, however Baby woke up about 20 minutes after going down, so that didn't happen.  I nursed him down again, and this time he was down for a few hours.

I put myself to bed at 11pm and fell right to sleep.  Unbeknownst to me, Dog woke up Baby when Husband and him returned from his night time walk.  Husband spent an hour trying to get Baby back to sleep with no luck.

At first trying to nurse him was like trying to corral a hurricane, he was making noise and trying to escape but at the same time trying to nurse.  Finally he nursed himself and I to sleep.  

At some point I transferred him to his crib - he was asleep - I then crawled into bed with Husband, checking the time.  10 minutes later  Baby was crying.  I repeated process - nurse, wait till Baby is really asleep, transfer to crib, hold hand on Baby's chest until he is settled, pull up side of crib, creep away, crawl into bed with Husband:  10 minutes later Baby is crying.

For the rest of the night I nursed and dozed with Baby in the nursing chair in his room.  There were times when he was asleep but still sucking, so I would unlatch him, as soon as I did he would just latch right back on.  There were a couple of times when he wasn't latched on and was asleep so I tried to put him in his crib, but as soon as his body touched the mattress he was crying.

I spent 20 minutes in bed with Husband last night.

I am really feeling at the end of the rope.  I am not getting enough uninterrupted sleep.  My body is aching from not getting the requisite time for restoration.  (I had a check-up with my Doctor this week, and I have actually shrunk half an inch)  Baby is much grouchier and clumsier than he should be.

Latches During Diaper Change

Baby will not lay down for a diaper change anymore, I have gotten pretty good at changing him standing up, but not so great if he is crawling.

For the last week, Baby has not been eating much solid food (teething) and has been nursing like crazy - not just drinking but sucking for soothing (due to lack of solid food, increase in baby-sitting in prep for day-care & stroller instead of carrier in prep for day-care).  A couple of times yesterday he just crawled up, nudged my tank top out of the way and latched on.    

This morning, he had a full breakfast of solid food, so of course shortly after there was a rather lovely diaper full of poop, that required an impromptu bath.  With a loaded diaper, I try to get him to lay down but he squirmed so much that he ended up with both a foot and a hand in the dirtiness.  I sometimes think he does this on purpose because he has so much fun in the tub.

After the bath, he was standing in his crib while I put his diaper on him.  While I was leaned over and with my hands busy with the diaper he just latched on.  Once I had the diaper on, I pulled out and went to get his clothes.  While trying to put his shirt on, he latched on again.  It was a very weird feeling and I felt kind of stuck.  I couldn't stand there leaning over like that for him to nurse and he wouldn't unlatch.  I ended up picking him up and  carrying him to our nursing spot while he stayed latched on.

When he was smaller and nursed every 15 minutes, I tried to carry him while he was nursing but it never worked, he wouldn't stay latched on.  It is so interesting how things change so quickly with babies and as many times as I tell myself not to get used to things, I am still surprised when he does something new.