An Old Year

When people have a bad year they often say something like "good riddance" at New Year's.  I had a really bad year, but I wouldn't wish away the year if I could.  (I would wish away some of what happened this past year, but that is a different story.) Yes, bad things happened, but amazing things happened too.

I became a single mom, against my will, against everything I wanted for me and for my boys.  It totally sucked and there were many many times I didn't think I could do it.  I also became a good single mom, it took some work, it took a crap-load of energy and it took a lot of intelligence and insight.  I'm not where I want to be yet, but my boys are pretty happy, they are healthy, they are intelligent, and they are loved.  I had to change things about myself to do it, I had to accept help, I had to be more selfless, and I had to be more selfish.

The boys did some amazing things this year and I got to see all of it.  BBJ2 took his first steps, learned to walk, learned to climb, said his first word, has hundreds of words and many phrases now, and he said "I love you mommy".  BBJ1 is toilet trained (mostly), and taught himself to pee standing up.  It hasn't been an easy year for the boys, mostly for BBJ1.  He had a really hard time when Daddy moved out, but he seemed to be adjusting, he had a hard time when Daddy visits became erratic, and even harder when Daddy visits stopped, but he seems to be adjusting again.  We (BBJ1 and I, with a lot of advice from my Therapist) have been working on dealing with his anger and temper and it does seem to be helping, tantrums and violence are much less frequent than before.  Overall though he is an amazing little guy, sweet and loving, intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative, and most of the time happy (and he has the most beautiful skin ever - I am so envious).   BBJ2 has gone from being a baby to a little person with his own personality and quirks.  He went from a quiet little guy to a chatterbox and recently developed the need to shriek NO at me numerous times a day, but he also says "Hi Mom" to me about 20 times a day and each time it is so sweet.  One of the coolest things is that they went from being my 2 sons, to being brothers, they fight, they are possessive, they are sweet, and they care about each other.

It was a hard year, I spent the first half of the year home alone with the boys and the second half of the year back at work trying to balance everything.  I became totally broke trying to cover rent, daycare, bills, food, and diapers by myself.  I have managed to get myself to a place where I am ok but still broke.  The only people I was able to buy Christmas presents for were the boys, and it was one gift from me, one gift from Santa, and their stockings and that was all.  An amazing thing happened though, people helped, a lot of the help came from my father, but there were lots of other people who don't have much to give, but gave me a little something.  A couple of family members are paying me back money I lent them years ago and never expected to see again.  My step-mom sent diapers when my Dad came to visit.  My brothers helped with some heavy lifting, van providing, and moving of furniture.  My girlfriends gave me some cash. A couple of the women I work with gave me Christmas presents, for me, which is not the norm at my office.  I have often given/lent people money in the past when I had it to give and had always 'written it off', I thought of it as a gift not a loan.  Well, those 'gifts' have been paid back, not always by the person who I gifted, but it came back when I needed it the most.  I'm now living on a pretty tight budget that doesn't leave room for an emergency or anything fun, and it is not easy for me, but it will get better and I don't think that I will ever hit a time when the cable, internet, cell phone, and home phone all get cut off in the same week again.

Going back to work was both tough and a really good thing.  Work gave me a place to use my mind, and a place to be away from memories, and a place to be a social grown-up.  Work also gave me back travel.  I love to travel but haven't for the last bunch of years.  This year I've been to England 3 times, Montreal, the Northeast US, and to Paris.  It was really tough doing the travel, for both me and the boys. They were not o.k. with mom going away, and I don't blame them.  I felt guilty, guilty for leaving them knowing that they were not o.k. with it, I felt guilty for having my mom take care of them (she isn't a spring-chicken), I felt guilty for wanting to be away.  But it has been o.k.  The boys seem to be better with my last trip.  My mom is totally good for continuing to do this, she enjoys the time with the boys, who are better behaved, better eaters, and better sleepers for Grandma than they are for mom.  My trips have been up and down, but the last one was to Paris and I had an amazing time, it was exhausting, long meetings (including conference calls with people in N.A. after the day had finished over there), but I was in Paris, had great food, great wine, and some nice company.

I think though, that the most important thing that happened this past year, is that I remembered that I am valuable, that I am worth a lot.  I had lost sight of that, partly the marriage and partly the children, but the break-up really squashed my sense of worth.  It took a long time to really remember and see how great I am.  I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but at the same time I have many positive attributes.  People would tell me these things and many of them I could agree with intellectually but not emotionally.  There are so many people in my life who love me and think that I am pretty great, and now I agree with them.

So, a very tough year, but a year filled with amazing stuff and good learnings.  I hope that the next year brings more good than bad.  I hope that when the bad happens I am able to remember what I learned this year.  I am strong and I am a mother, I will survive because I have to, I have two very precious little guys who need me.  But, I won't just survive,  because I choose to live my life my way.  I won't wallow in my pain and chalk it up to fate or punishment, pain is a lesson (so far honestly I haven't figured out my lesson) and without it, joy wouldn't be so joyful.  I choose to be me and I choose to see the goodness in the world, I choose to see the unbelievable beauty we are surrounded with, I choose to try to be a good person, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother, I choose to smile, I choose to laugh, I choose to breath, I choose to melt when I have a boy sitting on each side of me and they both lean into me, and I choose to be happy.

As an addendum, my year by the numbers:
0 - # of times I won the lottery
1 - # of nights that I had more than 8 hours straight sleep (on business trip)
1 - # of my duvets I had to throw out due to disgusting illness of my children
2 - # of chest x-rays BBJ2 had
2 - # of hair-cuts BBJ1 and I have had
4 - # of litres of milk the boys go through in a week-end
5 - # of times I had to clean out the fridge because BBJ2 got in there and spilt stuff
6 - # of nights that I had 7-8 hours of straight sleep (on business trip)
9 - # of times I had to have blood tests
13 - # of times I swept the floor yesterday
14 - # of times BBJ2 has vomited on me
47 - # of times we have watched "Land of the Lost" (BBJ2 is obsessed with "Dr. Rick Marshall" -  I must say that Will Ferrell's comic genius means that even after 40 viewings, I still laugh at the scene where he douses himself with and drinks dinosaur urine)
63 - # of times I have cleaned pee off of the floor (an approximation)
85 - # of times BBJ2 got excited by Christmas lights (this is an approximation, actual number may be a bit lower)
210 - # of loads of laundry (# accurate to 91%)
758 - # of times I have audibly sighed
897 - # of km I put on the stroller (this is an approximation, actual # probably higher)

One Week Left

I am back in the office in a week.  So not ready.  BBJ1 starts his daycare transition today, so I have one week to do everything that is impossible to do with them, and one week to get my fucked up head in place, not feeling confident about the outcome.

There is a bunch of home stuff that I plan on doing, and even more that I would like to do, but won't/can't.  I'm planning on doing a thorough cleaning, cleaning the oven (hasn't been done in years), pulling out the fridge and cleaning under it, that type of stuff.  Plan on installing a blind in the boys room.  Need to sort through their clothes and move stuff to storage.  I had been planning on painting the boys room this week, but that won't happen because there is still some extra furniture in there that I can't paint around.

I need to pull together some sort of wardrobe for work, none of my work clothes are even close to fitting me.  I had expected that once I started my thyroid meds that I would gain back some weight but that hasn't happened.  Might end up doing some sewing to try and put some stuff together.

I need to put some space in my head to fill with work, but I don't know if I can.  This last week has been really tough in so many ways, with the boys, with money, but the worst is that I have been dwelling in anger, and sadness.  In some ways being on mat leave when my marriage crumbled was the worst timing (money & being alone with the boys 24/7), but at the same time if one day at 2pm I lost it, I could just sit on the floor in the kitchen and cry (I tried to limit this as I know it isn't great for the boys), but it is not ok to do that at work.

I'm hoping that I get lots done, but mostly hoping that the boys have a good week.

I Took Off For A Couple of Days

This week I went on a business trip to England.  I had mixed feelings about going on the trip, but am glad that I did.

Excited:
- I haven't been off the North American continent in about 5 years, and hadn't been to England in about 8 years.
- I thought that I would be able to catch up on sleep.
- I was going to use my brain again
- I was going to be in a completely adult world
- I was going to be able to have a drink
- I was going to be able to wear clothes that had nothing to do with nursing or trekking through the snow or pushing a swing
- exHusband would be spending a lot of time with the boys alone and would finally understand why I was such a crank

Nervous/Worried:
- I was very worried that I hadn't stock-piled enough breast-milk for BBJ2
- I was worried that I might lose my milk
- I was worried that BBJ2 might decide that he prefers a bottle to the breast
- I was nervous about meeting lots of new colleagues
- I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to have a conversation if it didn't involve Dora or Buzz Lightyear
- I was a bit worried that my emotions might run amuck and I wouldn't be able to hold it together

The Results:
- Spent 2 days in England and saw the airport, and 2 hotels, so I didn't really get to explore or shop the way I like to when I travel.
- Came home more tired than before I left.  Couldn't sleep on the plane even though I was in Executive Class with the fancy full bed/seat.  Stuck at a Holiday Inn next to a theme park during a week that was a school break, so there were children running up and down the halls screaming and laughing, and I think my hotel room was haunted.  Again on the plane home couldn't sleep.
- I did use my brain and it was awesome.
- Completely adult world = excellent.  I did get to do some baby/child talk though because some of my colleagues have children and one was pregnant, so of course lots of baby chit chat.
- I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine.  I've been pretty much pregnant or nursing (or both) for over 3 years now, so my tolerance is a bit low.  I did not make a fool of myself - so that was good.
- Clothes - WooHoo, loved wearing clothes that were for me.
- I think he gets it
- There is still milk in the freezer - Whew!
- Still producing - while I was away my breasts were huge and felt like they were filled with milk, I was  pumping to keep up supply but wasn't able to pump as frequently as BBJ2 nurses.
- Still nursing
- I don't know why I always get nervous about meeting new people, it is almost always o.k., and this time was no problem.
- I did have a conversation about Dora, but otherwise was able to have intelligent conversations
- Emotions stayed in check while I was at the conference, I did lost it a bit on the plane home, but otherwise o.k.

Overall, it was a success, I was able to function in a work environment and I made some great contacts for when I return to work, BBJ1 had an excellent time with Dad, BBJ2 had a hard time without breast-feeding but he was fine, and exHusband had some good dedicated parenting time with his boys.

Balance

So, I have been back at work for 3.5 months and have learned many things.

I like working and I like my job much more than I thought I did. I loved being with my son for the first year, but I am generally much less stressed being at work than being home all the time. I like using my brain to solve detailed technical problems. I like spending time with adults and discussing systems, processes, politics, etc.

I need and want more me time, but can survive without it. I have always spent a lot of time alone, and liked it. Prior to Baby, I had alone time, since Husband & I have always worked different schedules. Since Baby, I don't have alone time, maybe once a month I get a couple of hours. I do have the subway ride to and from work, which is about half an hour alone in the middle of a sea of people. I still miss having more alone time, but it isn't killing me.

I really am a clean freak, even though my home is a disaster (my opinion that it is a disaster, not everyone agrees with me). There is never time to do the cleaning, evenings are so busy and short and I can't vacuum after Baby goes to sleep. Husband works on Saturdays, so it is me and Baby alone, and near impossible to get anything done. Sundays are the only day we have together as a family, so we want to spend time together instead of doing chores. There are so many times when I hate my home, it makes me cringe how bad it is (to me).

I don't have to work brutal hours to do a good job and receive props. Before Baby, I used to work really long hours during projects to make sure everything got done. Since being back at work, I have been leading a team working on a huge very important project. I leave work before 5:15pm every day, now I am also in earlier than I ever was before, but still, I am putting in less hours in the office. Things are getting done, I am prioritizing better, spending less time gossiping and doing a better job of delegating instead of doing everything.

I don't think that work is the most important thing and it doesn't define who I am, even though it is a big part of my life. Just like being a mom isn't the only thing I am, it is a part of me. I am able to balance work & the rest of my life much better than I was expecting.

Back at Work & OK

So I have been back at work for about a month, and was pleasantly surprised to find that I am quite happy being at work, but do feel guilty about feeling that way.

Prior to Baby being born, I thought that I would have a hard time being at home for a year, and thought that I would want to go back early.  Once Baby was born, I didn't think or care about work at all.  As my return date neared, I really dreaded going back and leaving Baby to be cared  for by others,  but for financial reasons there was no choice.

The hardest time was probably the few weeks prior to returning to the office when I was taking Baby to daycare to gradually get him used to it.  When I was out alone during those days, I felt like I was only half of myself.  I had gotten so used to him being with me all the time that I didn't feel whole without him.  When I realized this, it was really unnerving.  Who had I become that I wasn't o.k. by myself.  I am one of those people who like being alone, I have eaten in restaurants, gone to movies, travelled all by myself (I have gone to bars by myself, but I was always meeting someone so that doesn't count), and now I was feeling weird going to Starbucks or  Timmy's alone.  

Once I was back at work, I actually felt happier and less tired, although I am still tired, it is a different tired.  

Baby is doing great at daycare.  We were  really lucky that we were able to  get into a very good daycare not to far from home (2 subway stops & a 5 minute walk).  He really seems to like it there and amazingly he sleeps really well.  On the nights that he is at daycare he is down by 8 and stays down until around 5 in the morning.  Now, if only I could get to sleep earlier, although I would miss Husband if I went to bed earlier.

Another great thing is Husband has totally stepped up.  He is doing the mornings with Baby, giving him breakfast, getting him dressed and dropping him off at daycare so that I can get to work early enough to leave in time to get him from daycare.  Although it was hard last Saturday when Baby cried because Husband was going into work and leaving him alone with Mom.

So except for the guilt (which is slowing ebbing away), going back to work seems to be the best thing for our family.  Baby is happy, making friends, and learning tons of  stuff.  Husband is spending more time with Baby and their relationship is flourishing.  I am more content and a lot less frazzled.