Putting Grandma's New Year's Superstition to the Test

My maternal Grandmother was a superstitious, sometimes mean, sometimes sweet, controlling, manipulative hypochondriac, so a bit of a whack-job.  I do non envy my Mother and Aunt's childhood.  Grandma had a lot of superstitions, and a lot of them were pretty common; 'don't open an umbrella inside', 'don't walk under a ladder', 'a black cat crossing in front of you is bad luck', etc.  I don't think that all of them were common, she believed dreams came true, she believed in omens, she thought it was bad luck to put shoes on a table. Even knowing that Grandma was a bit of a nut case, and growing up believing in science and evidence, I still have found myself following her superstitions.

There are a lot of different superstitions and rituals surrounding the New Year.  One of my favourites is one that a friend grew up with, at mid-night she would open the front door to let the New Year in and open the back door to let the Old Year out.  Grandma's belief was that anything left undone as of New Year would stay undone for the year.

For many year's of my life I have tried to get everything done for New Year's; clean the home, do all the laundry, mending, cleaning out closets, repairs, etc.  This year that did not happen.  I was home with both the boys for the week prior to New Year's.  BBJ2 was sick which meant a baby stuck to me and a 3 year old running wild.  The weather was yucky, rainy, snowy, windy, and cold so we didn't venture out much.  The boys did not want to sleep by themselves, especially BBJ2 who went 4 days straight only sleeping if he was attached to me.

I have decided to look at the lack of getting stuff done as an experiment instead of a failure.  I'm going to see if the superstition comes true or not.  Here are the things that I would have wanted done prior to mid-night New Year's:
- take down & put away the Christmas tree and decorations
- clean the apartment, including washing the floors
- paint the boys' bedroom
- clean out the storage locker - specifically rearrange so that the sleds are in easy reach
- fix the toy problem (there are more toys than fit on the toy shelves and they are taking over)
- put up new pictures of us and our loved ones (very quickly after the boys' father left I took down all the pictures with him in them, but there are holes in the picture wall that have not been filled, plus there isn't one picture of BBJ2 hanging up)
- mending and altering of clothes
- find the missing pillow case that matches my duvet cover
- print pictures of the boys and put together a photo album for them
- get my hair cut & a pedicure

That is it, I think, probably should be a longer list, but that seems like enough.  Next New Year's I plan on checking back to this list to see if the superstition holds true or not.

An Old Year

When people have a bad year they often say something like "good riddance" at New Year's.  I had a really bad year, but I wouldn't wish away the year if I could.  (I would wish away some of what happened this past year, but that is a different story.) Yes, bad things happened, but amazing things happened too.

I became a single mom, against my will, against everything I wanted for me and for my boys.  It totally sucked and there were many many times I didn't think I could do it.  I also became a good single mom, it took some work, it took a crap-load of energy and it took a lot of intelligence and insight.  I'm not where I want to be yet, but my boys are pretty happy, they are healthy, they are intelligent, and they are loved.  I had to change things about myself to do it, I had to accept help, I had to be more selfless, and I had to be more selfish.

The boys did some amazing things this year and I got to see all of it.  BBJ2 took his first steps, learned to walk, learned to climb, said his first word, has hundreds of words and many phrases now, and he said "I love you mommy".  BBJ1 is toilet trained (mostly), and taught himself to pee standing up.  It hasn't been an easy year for the boys, mostly for BBJ1.  He had a really hard time when Daddy moved out, but he seemed to be adjusting, he had a hard time when Daddy visits became erratic, and even harder when Daddy visits stopped, but he seems to be adjusting again.  We (BBJ1 and I, with a lot of advice from my Therapist) have been working on dealing with his anger and temper and it does seem to be helping, tantrums and violence are much less frequent than before.  Overall though he is an amazing little guy, sweet and loving, intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative, and most of the time happy (and he has the most beautiful skin ever - I am so envious).   BBJ2 has gone from being a baby to a little person with his own personality and quirks.  He went from a quiet little guy to a chatterbox and recently developed the need to shriek NO at me numerous times a day, but he also says "Hi Mom" to me about 20 times a day and each time it is so sweet.  One of the coolest things is that they went from being my 2 sons, to being brothers, they fight, they are possessive, they are sweet, and they care about each other.

It was a hard year, I spent the first half of the year home alone with the boys and the second half of the year back at work trying to balance everything.  I became totally broke trying to cover rent, daycare, bills, food, and diapers by myself.  I have managed to get myself to a place where I am ok but still broke.  The only people I was able to buy Christmas presents for were the boys, and it was one gift from me, one gift from Santa, and their stockings and that was all.  An amazing thing happened though, people helped, a lot of the help came from my father, but there were lots of other people who don't have much to give, but gave me a little something.  A couple of family members are paying me back money I lent them years ago and never expected to see again.  My step-mom sent diapers when my Dad came to visit.  My brothers helped with some heavy lifting, van providing, and moving of furniture.  My girlfriends gave me some cash. A couple of the women I work with gave me Christmas presents, for me, which is not the norm at my office.  I have often given/lent people money in the past when I had it to give and had always 'written it off', I thought of it as a gift not a loan.  Well, those 'gifts' have been paid back, not always by the person who I gifted, but it came back when I needed it the most.  I'm now living on a pretty tight budget that doesn't leave room for an emergency or anything fun, and it is not easy for me, but it will get better and I don't think that I will ever hit a time when the cable, internet, cell phone, and home phone all get cut off in the same week again.

Going back to work was both tough and a really good thing.  Work gave me a place to use my mind, and a place to be away from memories, and a place to be a social grown-up.  Work also gave me back travel.  I love to travel but haven't for the last bunch of years.  This year I've been to England 3 times, Montreal, the Northeast US, and to Paris.  It was really tough doing the travel, for both me and the boys. They were not o.k. with mom going away, and I don't blame them.  I felt guilty, guilty for leaving them knowing that they were not o.k. with it, I felt guilty for having my mom take care of them (she isn't a spring-chicken), I felt guilty for wanting to be away.  But it has been o.k.  The boys seem to be better with my last trip.  My mom is totally good for continuing to do this, she enjoys the time with the boys, who are better behaved, better eaters, and better sleepers for Grandma than they are for mom.  My trips have been up and down, but the last one was to Paris and I had an amazing time, it was exhausting, long meetings (including conference calls with people in N.A. after the day had finished over there), but I was in Paris, had great food, great wine, and some nice company.

I think though, that the most important thing that happened this past year, is that I remembered that I am valuable, that I am worth a lot.  I had lost sight of that, partly the marriage and partly the children, but the break-up really squashed my sense of worth.  It took a long time to really remember and see how great I am.  I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but at the same time I have many positive attributes.  People would tell me these things and many of them I could agree with intellectually but not emotionally.  There are so many people in my life who love me and think that I am pretty great, and now I agree with them.

So, a very tough year, but a year filled with amazing stuff and good learnings.  I hope that the next year brings more good than bad.  I hope that when the bad happens I am able to remember what I learned this year.  I am strong and I am a mother, I will survive because I have to, I have two very precious little guys who need me.  But, I won't just survive,  because I choose to live my life my way.  I won't wallow in my pain and chalk it up to fate or punishment, pain is a lesson (so far honestly I haven't figured out my lesson) and without it, joy wouldn't be so joyful.  I choose to be me and I choose to see the goodness in the world, I choose to see the unbelievable beauty we are surrounded with, I choose to try to be a good person, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother, I choose to smile, I choose to laugh, I choose to breath, I choose to melt when I have a boy sitting on each side of me and they both lean into me, and I choose to be happy.

As an addendum, my year by the numbers:
0 - # of times I won the lottery
1 - # of nights that I had more than 8 hours straight sleep (on business trip)
1 - # of my duvets I had to throw out due to disgusting illness of my children
2 - # of chest x-rays BBJ2 had
2 - # of hair-cuts BBJ1 and I have had
4 - # of litres of milk the boys go through in a week-end
5 - # of times I had to clean out the fridge because BBJ2 got in there and spilt stuff
6 - # of nights that I had 7-8 hours of straight sleep (on business trip)
9 - # of times I had to have blood tests
13 - # of times I swept the floor yesterday
14 - # of times BBJ2 has vomited on me
47 - # of times we have watched "Land of the Lost" (BBJ2 is obsessed with "Dr. Rick Marshall" -  I must say that Will Ferrell's comic genius means that even after 40 viewings, I still laugh at the scene where he douses himself with and drinks dinosaur urine)
63 - # of times I have cleaned pee off of the floor (an approximation)
85 - # of times BBJ2 got excited by Christmas lights (this is an approximation, actual number may be a bit lower)
210 - # of loads of laundry (# accurate to 91%)
758 - # of times I have audibly sighed
897 - # of km I put on the stroller (this is an approximation, actual # probably higher)

7 Years Ago

Seven years (and one minute) ago today I was a Strong, Highly-Intelligent, Confident, Kind/Caring/Loving, Financially Stable, Fun-Loving, Independent, Ambitious and Proud, Optimistic/Hopeful/Positive Woman.  I was a bit guarded, scared of being hurt, but at the same time open to the possibilities that life would give me.  I went out lots, dancing, drinking, laughing, and having fun.  I was free, I came and went as I wanted, the only obligation I had was a fat diabetic cat.

Today, I am broken. I feel like I am an alien compared to that woman who 7 years ago today went out with a friend & that friend's work friends, hoping to have a good time, not knowing that my life would be completely and utterly changed after that night.

I know that I am still emotionally strong, if I wasn't I wouldn't have been able to make it through the last 10 months. I don't always feel strong.  There are days where it takes all my strength just to make it through the day, but I keep going.  I feel like I should be fighting harder for my boys, but don't know how. Physical strength - that is gone, I used to bench more than my weight but due to my illness, I have lost a lot of physical strength, and it is worrisome how quickly I become tired carrying the 2 boys in my arms.  Still I am lucky, I am sure that my Doctor will get things worked out, and even though I am weaker than I was, I am still able to push that double stroller of boys over 3 km/day, still able to play with the boys, still able to do 4 loads of laundry a week, still able to get things done.

There are Attractive Men in the World Again

Ok, so I am sure that there has always been attractive men in the world, I'm just noticing again.

While exHusband & I were together, I didn't feel attraction to other men.  I would see an attractive man and think that they were good-looking or had a nice build, but I wouldn't feel that pull, that HMMMM that you get when you're attracted to someone.

For the first while after he left, I didn't notice any different.   That has changed.  There has been a few lately, sharing an elevator with the cu-tie after my therapy session, on the subway the other day, at the hospital yesterday, and at the park today.  All good-looking, and all a bit of a hmmm.

At one point I was convinced that I would never find anyone who I was attracted to as much as my exHusband - felt a little screwed about it.  The attraction I felt to these guys was not the same as that to exHusband, but it's a start.

Feels good, kind of like coming out of the fog, like my systems are running again, like maybe I'm healing a bit.

I Miss My Grandma

I have been thinking about my PGrandma (paternal grandmother) a lot lately, and wishing that I could talk to her.  She died when I was in 2nd grade (I think), so I didn't really get to know her.  I know that I loved her and she loved me.  Her death was the first time I questioned God.  I was angry that she was gone, and who else was there to blame?

She was a great grandma, she taught my brother and I to play softball, she let us make tents out of her old Hudson Bay blankets (Dad wasn't allowed to play with them when he was a boy), she hugged us, she gave me tea in proper china teacups and she tried to teach me manners and etiquette.

My Breasts are Magic

Like pretty much every woman I know, I have had a very up and down relationship with my breasts.  Currently I think they are amazing and can do magical things.

I remember when I was young wanting to have breasts.  My friend and I used to do the "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises, to no avail.  When we started 6th grade, one of the girls had grown a pair, a substantial pair, over the summer and I was jealous as was pretty much every girl in our class.  (Years later, there was a rumour that she was stuffing, I have no idea if this was true or not, but when I heard it I felt a little satisfied)

WooHoo My Life Does Suck

I feel better today, because I received confirmation that I am not just a big cry-baby loser who can't handle stuff, but in fact my life does suck right now.

This last week was not a good week.  BBJ1 misses his dad and is sad and angry.  I miss my husband and am sad and angry.  I broke a tooth.  BBJ2 still doesn't sleep enough.  A family heirloom lamp was broken.  I had PMS.  It was my birthday.  Everyone else's needs come before mine.

Regret Can Be A Good Thing

"No Regrets"  How many times have you heard this?  I have heard it a lot lately and it bugs me.  I don't think that you should spend your life dwelling in your regrets.  I do think that regret (and remorse, and guilt) have a purpose and that if you try to just go on with your life, ignoring the purpose of the feeling then you will spend your life mired in the muck.

The feeling of regret has purpose, to act as a warning "don't repeat your mistakes", and to make amends for your mistake.  Often making amends will help alleviate the bad feeling of regret.  There is a wide range of things that we humans are capable of achieving and there is a wide range of harm that we humans are capable of perpetrating.  The regret should relate to the action that was done, there should be no blanket statement that there are no regrets (unless you live in some magical world where you can wave your fairy wand and change/fix everything).  Would you tell a murderer that they should not feel regret?  I doubt it.  Would you tell someone who dropped out of college that they should not feel regret?  Probably.

I don't think that everything in your life that doesn't turn out perfect, should be regretted.  I have had some really terrible hair-cuts, I didn't dwell in regret, I just figured out how to deal with them - hats, head-bands, gel, etc.

I regret being bitchy and mean when I was in high school.  I don't carry it around like a ball and chain, I can't undo what was done.  I did recognize how I behaved, I learned that it was a reaction to my own pain, and I stopped being that way and hurting people.

I regret not standing up for myself in my marriage.  There were times that I tried, but I gave up, and things got worse.  I don't believe that the outcome would have necessarily been any different, but I do believe that I would feel better about myself.  I have been standing up for myself a lot more lately and calling mean/bad behavior when it occurs.  I believe that in my next relationship I will be stronger and that may not work for the man, but since I am the only me I have, I need to take care of me.

This is my best example of regret being a good thing.  My Dad is an alcoholic and he was drunk for my childhood and my teen years.  He loved me, and I saw him on a regular basis, this did not make him a good dad.  He caused a lot of pain for a lot of people, people that he loved and who loved him back.  The realization of the pain he caused - the regret - is part of what helped him become sober and emotionally healthy.  He no longer causes pain, in fact he now has a career helping addicted youths in the criminal system.  He is a loving and supportive father, husband, and friend.  Of course he wasn't able to undo the past, he wasn't able to give me or my brother the childhood that we wanted, but he has made amends, and now we have real relationships.  That is what regret is for, it is about taking your mistakes and learning from them and using them for good.

I am suspicious of people who think that they can go through life and not have any regrets. It is possible that someone could live their entire life and never hurt another person and therefore not have a need to regret their actions, but I have never met someone who was so perfect.  I know that I am not that perfect, I have done things that I have regretted and I have tried to learn, apologize and make amends where I could.  I guess life would be easier if you didn't regret anything that you did, but it would also be a lot more selfish.

I had a Crapptastic Week

This week has been pretty bad, there has been some good stuff, but I think on the balance scale it leans towards sucky.

Good:

• I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews.  I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull.  
• exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn't ever want to be with me or that he doesn't love me 
• exHusband told me that he misses me everyday
• BBJ2 took his first unassisted steps!
• The boys spent an afternoon with their half-brother and half-sister, this makes them so happy and I miss my step-kids a lot so it was good for me too.
• I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism (this shows up in the bad list too), good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on.  I have been having heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss.  I had these things written off to post-partum hormones, being really active with 2 little kids while nursing, and going through a life-changing break-up.
• exHusband requested photos of me to help him relieve some tension (I know that probably doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is an ego boost to know that even with all the women throwing themselves at him since our split became public knowledge, he still wants me - guess it is hard to find anyone as hot or as good as me)
• The boys are going to their father's for the first time this week-end, so I have been looking forward to having time to myself.

Bad:

• No sleep for me.
• BBJ1 is refusing baths, fighting diaper changes (forget the potty - he is in full regression mode),  is throwing lots of temper tantrums and is sad
• BBJ1 pulled the curtains including the curtain rod out of the ceiling in his bedroom.  So on top of the time change there are no curtains to block out the street lights.
• I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  So it is good to know what has been going on with me and to know that there is treatment, but bad because:
• I have had this since at least the summer (it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues), and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage.  Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while.  My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable, that the sickness would have intensified it.  Irritable, anxious wife does not equate to happy husband.
• If it is being caused by Graves Disease (a common cause and starting to look more and more likely since I found out today that my Grandmother had it, and it runs in families), then the treatment is rougher and I will probably have to stop nursing BBJ2.
• I could go into a hyperthyroid coma, which is terrifying.  I am alone with 2 little boys, what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out?  I don't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911, his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy, Bye Daddy.
• The boys are going to be staying at their father's for the first time this week-end, so I am sad.  This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital.  I had always thought that their first over-night would be at a grand-parent's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating.
• I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart, and has a sexual obsession with me, and wants me to be his best friend, he doesn't want to be with me now.  
• I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has, and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities.  He has big baggage, not carry-on, not regularly checked, but the kind where you have to go to that special counter.  He can get lost in his fears, even when they are irrational. He absolutely believes untruths, even when shown evidence to the contrary.
• I realized that although exHusband wants me to be his best friend, he isn't going to be my friend.
• I realized that I have to accept that regardless of how wrong it is, my marriage is really over.  I'm sad because I have lost the best friend I ever had, I have lost the best sex ever, I have lost great conversations, I have lost my DJ, and I have lost the warmest hands that have ever held me.

I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want what I want and who isn't willing to get help when they so obviously need it.  I need a partner, someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them.  Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness.  Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent.  Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth.

So from now on my exHusband, is simply the father of my children.  I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father.  The only problem is that I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to just turn off my heart.  It took me years to open my heart, I hope it doesn't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again.

I'm Going Surfing

I'm going surfing, someday.

Recently on Twitter,  BloggingDangerously  tweeted the question "If you could be anyplace in the world for 2 weeks, where would it be?" I responded "Hawaii so that I could learn how to surf like I have wanted to since I was a little girl".  It then kept popping into my head how I have wanted to do this for so long.  I then realised that I don't have any personal goals that are just for me and about me.  I have the goal of raising my boys to be the best people they can be.  I sometimes have career goals, but those are not real goals for me, they help me to keep going at my job.

I have wanted to surf for ever.  I love being in the water and I really love the ocean, I have been known to spend hours just floating in the warm salt water when I have been down south.  I like to go fast (ask almost anyone who has been in a car I was driving), and I have a bit of the daredevil in me, even though I often logic myself out of really risky stuff.

Years ago when I pictured myself surfing I did picture myself in a bikini, but now after two babies and 2 c-sections, it might be a one-piece or a wet-suit.  I also pictured myself single and hanging out dancing and drinking the evenings away, and it is quite possible that when I do get there that I might have 2 little boys in tow and maybe won't be able to party all night.  I've always associated surfing with Hawaii, but maybe it will be California or Australia.  It doesn't matter if the picture of how I will look or who I am with, or where changes, it is the doing it that matters.

So now I have a personal goal of going surfing.  I have even started getting ready.  About 7 years ago, I did some research on learning to surf and read that you should be in pretty good shape and be up to 100 push ups a day to handle all the dog paddling.  So I have started a push up regimen.   I am going to start paying attention and copying my son since he has great balance and recovery.  I believe he gets his awesome physical abilities from me (go ahead and disagree exHusband), and that I have just forgotten how to use my body as well as he does.

I feel good, something for me alone about me alone.

My First Divorce - I was 7

There are so many things that happen to us, so many people who touch us, and so many things we choose to do/feel/think that make us who we are.  Many of these things are small things,  having a mom who gives you lots of hugs and reads to you every night, having a brother who calls you thunder thighs, or having nice friendly neighbors.  Some are really big things that have a huge impact on you, this is the first big thing that happened to me, that shaped a lot of how I think and feel.

My first divorce happened when I was about 7.   Being young, I had no clue about relationships and how they work.  My parents didn't fight - there was one loud argument shortly before the split - but that is it.  My Dad wasn't around a lot, he worked long hours, traveled on business, and partied (I didn't know that at the time).  My mom was a stay-at-home mom so she was there all the time.  I don't remember much at all about the break-up.  I have one memory of me running through the house crying.  I remembered the running & crying, my Dad filled in for me that it occurred when my mom and dad explained to my brother and I that they were splitting up.

My whole life changed, not just the moment but the rest of my life changed.

The immediate impact was that Dad was gone, and Mom, Brother & I moved.  My best friend was my next door neighbor, and while we were still going to the same school, it was different.  My mom's parents became even less visible after the break-up - they did not approve of divorce.  My dad's mother was just as visible but pretty much only with my mother (she disapproved strongly and blamed it on her son).  I had two homes (sort of).  I had to split all holidays between two parents.

Shortly after my parents split up, my father moved in with another woman, who I suspect (but have no evidence for) he was seeing before the break.  So I had a step-mother and she wasn't fun.  We got to do lots of fun stuff with Dad, DisneyWorld, a trip across the country, we went to nice restaurants and shows, but we also were driven around by a drunk driver, exposed to lots of very loud yelling matches, and saw things thrown at people in anger.  We were emotionally manipulated and there was anger directed at us by our step-mother.  They broke up about 15 years later, shortly after that my father stopped drinking, met a lovely woman who is now my step-mother and they are great.

My mother raised us in a village of her friends, we often were at fun activities with her friends and their children.  My mom's life was not easy.  She went back to work after a decade of being at home.  She tried to give us all the stuff we wanted and tried to compete with what my dad was able to do with us, but she ended up having to declare bankruptcy and we had to move to a cheap apartment building.  The change in neighborhood and school was like landing on the moon.  I had to toughen up and get street-smart really quickly.

I always knew stuff about my parents and their divorce that any expert today says a child should never know.  I used to carry my Dad's support cheques home from visits.  I knew that the support wasn't enough.  I heard bad stuff spoken about both of my parents, not really bad stuff, but not nice.

I was torn apart.  I loved both of my parents and wanted to be with both of them.  The two houses had different rules and different atmospheres so I was constantly adjusting to what were supposed to be my homes.  I didn't always want to go to my Dad's, I liked mom's and my friends were there, but I had no choice.  Sometimes I wanted to be at Dad's, cooler toys, and even though my Dad was a drunk I loved him.

My parent's divorce changed me from being a care-free little girl into a cautious, scared too grown-up little girl.  My parent's divorce and the scars it gave me is why I chose not to settle for the wrong Mr. Right.  Why I chose to wait to get married until I found the one person I knew I could love and trust my whole life.

What Happened to My Dog?

So for the one or two people out there who don't personally know me and read my blog, you may have noticed that when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 there was a dog in the mix, and since I have been writing again, the dog is absent.  Here is the story of Dog.

When exHusband and I were almost living together we discussed that we both wanted a dog, I hadn't had a dog in years and exHusband had recently lost his dog.   One day we were out shopping and stopped in the pet store, they had beagle puppies (exHusband had always wanted a beagle).  The puppies were cute, I asked to hold one, he licked my nose, and that was that.  Dog came home with us.

He was so cute, I don't think that there has ever been a cuter dog.  He was really sweet.  We loved him.

We tried to train him, but we failed.  We never got him house-trained.  It was terrible.  We tried crate training but too late and not consistently enough.  I tried a bunch of The Dog Whisperer's stuff and it helped a bit but it was hard.  He was a barker, not the when left alone he barks the whole time barker, but the excited barker and the if anyone is in the hallway or stairwell barker.  He had tons of energy and wanted to play all the time.  He jumped up on people.  He was a garbage hound, he would eat anything he could get, he ate the most beautiful chicken sandwich that exHusband had made for himself, right off the table.  He ate chicken bones and broken light bulbs, which resulted in vet visits and disgusting messes.  We loved him.

BBJ1 came along and we were really nervous about the dog.  He was very energetic, he was a jumper and didn't seem to have any control over himself when he was excited.  When we brought BBJ1 home from the hospital, it was amazing, he was a totally different dog.  He was very protective over the baby, on day 1, he actually barked at exHusband the first time he held the baby, in front of Dog.  He was calmer and just all around better.  We loved him.

As BBJ1 became older and more mobile, there was a bit more of his old behavior coming through.  I was pretty frustrated with him.  Having your baby crawl into a puddle of dog urine is not good.  BBJ1 was not a great sleeper and the dog would always start whining or barking just when I got him down, waking him up.  It was also a big pain having to take him out with the baby in the winter, and the timing of needed walks often coincided with BBJ1 sleeping.  We loved him.

I went back to work and while the behavior didn't change it wasn't as noticeable  of a problem.  We were all out all day, so it was just evenings and week-ends that we were all together.  And there was an awesome benefit of having a garbage hound when you have a baby then toddler eating, I didn't need to sweep up all of the dropped/spilled/thrown food because the Dog would get it.  We loved him.

Then BBJ2 came home.  When that happened, BBJ1 and I were at home full-time.  Things were not good.  Once again Dog became very protective over the baby against everyone else.  BBJ1 was not good with Dog, he chased the dog, grabbed the dog's tail, hit the dog, tried to ride the dog, etc.  Dog reacted badly to BBJ1.  He didn't hurt him but he was growling at him, and did snap at him.  We were done.

My mother took him to try and find a home (a childless home) for him.  She wasn't successful and Dog was being aggressive with her dog, so he went to the humane society.  I wrote a very honest letter about him, about how sweet and loving he is, how he needs lots of attention and exercise and that he should not be around young children.  He was adopted.

For a very long time (before the aggression to BBJ1) I felt like I failed with Dog.  I really felt that if I could have been more consistent and sterner and and and, that he would have been a better dog.  I don't feel that anymore, I think that he was a great dog, but not for our family.  We still miss him, and still love him.

I Almost Registered For a Dating Site

I know that I am not ready to date.  I know that if I went on a date I would be completely pathetic and the poor sucker sitting across from me would run to the nearest monastery and never date again.  I know that if I went on a date, I wouldn't be cute & funny & playful.  All that said, I got an email from match.ca and clicked on the link, I was curious.

Before I met exHusband, I had a whole list of rules/criteria about meeting men to date:
- no blondes
- not shorter than me
- no family connection
- no set-ups
- if you meet in a bar then it is a one-night stand only - no relationship
- not at work
- no dating services, no internet
- no divorces
- no children
But none of this seems to be applicable anymore.

So anyway, I clicked on the link and was taken to the registration for the dating service.  It asked me all kinds of questions about myself and then it started to ask me questions about the person I wanted to date.  Salary range, ethnicity, job, physical characteristics, etc.  I kept putting them all as "no preference".  I had no idea what I would want and it just seemed so wrong.

It doesn't matter how much money someone makes or if they are an artist or an ad exec.  It doesn't matter if someone is blonde or slender.  It matters that you get along with the person, it matters if they appreciate you, it matters if they make you laugh, it matters if they laugh at your jokes, it matters if when you hold their hand you feel safe like that hand will stop all the bad things in the world from happening to you, it matters that when you kiss them you feel like you are home.

I had that all once and I hope that I can have it again some day, but I don't think that I will find it from a dating service, I need to see & hear & feel the person.

I Took Off For A Couple of Days

This week I went on a business trip to England.  I had mixed feelings about going on the trip, but am glad that I did.

Excited:
- I haven't been off the North American continent in about 5 years, and hadn't been to England in about 8 years.
- I thought that I would be able to catch up on sleep.
- I was going to use my brain again
- I was going to be in a completely adult world
- I was going to be able to have a drink
- I was going to be able to wear clothes that had nothing to do with nursing or trekking through the snow or pushing a swing
- exHusband would be spending a lot of time with the boys alone and would finally understand why I was such a crank

Nervous/Worried:
- I was very worried that I hadn't stock-piled enough breast-milk for BBJ2
- I was worried that I might lose my milk
- I was worried that BBJ2 might decide that he prefers a bottle to the breast
- I was nervous about meeting lots of new colleagues
- I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to have a conversation if it didn't involve Dora or Buzz Lightyear
- I was a bit worried that my emotions might run amuck and I wouldn't be able to hold it together

The Results:
- Spent 2 days in England and saw the airport, and 2 hotels, so I didn't really get to explore or shop the way I like to when I travel.
- Came home more tired than before I left.  Couldn't sleep on the plane even though I was in Executive Class with the fancy full bed/seat.  Stuck at a Holiday Inn next to a theme park during a week that was a school break, so there were children running up and down the halls screaming and laughing, and I think my hotel room was haunted.  Again on the plane home couldn't sleep.
- I did use my brain and it was awesome.
- Completely adult world = excellent.  I did get to do some baby/child talk though because some of my colleagues have children and one was pregnant, so of course lots of baby chit chat.
- I got drunk on a glass and a half of wine.  I've been pretty much pregnant or nursing (or both) for over 3 years now, so my tolerance is a bit low.  I did not make a fool of myself - so that was good.
- Clothes - WooHoo, loved wearing clothes that were for me.
- I think he gets it
- There is still milk in the freezer - Whew!
- Still producing - while I was away my breasts were huge and felt like they were filled with milk, I was  pumping to keep up supply but wasn't able to pump as frequently as BBJ2 nurses.
- Still nursing
- I don't know why I always get nervous about meeting new people, it is almost always o.k., and this time was no problem.
- I did have a conversation about Dora, but otherwise was able to have intelligent conversations
- Emotions stayed in check while I was at the conference, I did lost it a bit on the plane home, but otherwise o.k.

Overall, it was a success, I was able to function in a work environment and I made some great contacts for when I return to work, BBJ1 had an excellent time with Dad, BBJ2 had a hard time without breast-feeding but he was fine, and exHusband had some good dedicated parenting time with his boys.

Living Single

I was feeling pretty good about not having to share my home with a man anymore, feeling a little bit like my old self, with my own place (although with a lot more toy cars than I remember), then it hit me, I'm single again.  This might be a problem.

What happens if I have a heart attack or fall down and crack my head open?  The boys don't know how to use the phone properly yet.  There isn't someone coming home from work in a couple of hours to find me.  No one will know.  What if the pizza delivery guy is a crazy pervert?  I know the odds of this happenning are very very low, but it wasn't something I needed to worry about a few months ago.

Here is the really bad thing - I am going to have to date again - OH MY GOD!!!!!!

I just remembered how terrible dating is.  On the subway yesterday, I saw a man that for some reason reminded me of a guy that I brought home once.  He didn't stay long, thankfully, because he scared the crap out of me.  He kept saying strange things about being dangerous, and I was completely creeped out by him.  I was convinced that he was involved in some scary stuff.  And then I got a bit mad, why didn't he steal me and sell me into the sex trade, what, I wasn't good enough?  In the end I decided that he was just some lame guy who believed that women like bad boys, so he was trying to be a bad boy, but in a really bad way.

It took over 2 months with one of ex-boyfriends before I was sure that we were dating and not buddies.  We kept going out, but so often one of his buddies would be with us, we always did fun stuff, always in casual clothes.  I was never sure if he was just a new friend or a new boy-friend.  Turned out he was the latter, he was taking his time, and sometimes taking your time with a woman can be a good thing!!

There was the guy that I sat in Fran's with until 4 in the morning, drinking coffee and maple syrup, we laughed almost continuously, flirted non-stop.  We had worked together for a while before this first date,  so we knew each other, and it didn't feel like a first date.  At 4am, we ended up heading back to my place, as he was too tired to drive himself home way out beyond suburbia.  He slept on the couch, not even a kiss, and he farted loudly and smellily all night.

By the way, I am not a slut, I know that two thirds of my bad dating examples involved me bringing home men on first dates, but I didn't do that with all of them.  Sometimes I went to their place.

My Body is an Amazing Miracle

Last night I wrote about how I do not like my body (among other things), but today while I was nursing my baby, I remembered that my body is amazing.

My body made people.  What could be better than that?  My children were created from my body.  Sure exhusband contributed some DNA, but my body made them.  I think of it like exhusband and I were co-architects, he contributed some of the design plans to the babies, but my body took the plans, found the materials, and constructed them.

Not only did my body make the babies, it also provided their only sustenance for 6 months.  (I am discounting the 2 ounces of formula that BBJ1 was given while in the NICU, the night he was born.  I always feel bad that he had any formula, but he was born 5.5 weeks early by an emergency c-section and I didn't know what I needed to know.)  Both of my boys were exclusively breast-fed for their first 6 months and both continued to breast-feed after starting solid foods.  So until they reached 6 months they were completely manufactured by my body.  AMAZING!

Breast-feeding was fairly easy for me, I didn't go through all the pain and trauma that so many other mothers go through.  The only pain I ever had was from pumping or from biting.  Even how my body provided milk was pretty amazing.  BBJ1 breast-fed whenever he wanted until he was one and went to daycare.  He would breast-feed in the morning when he woke up and as soon as we got home from work/daycare, and again before bed.  Here is the amazing thing, on week-ends he would nurse more often and my body still had milk for him.

My body also hugs my children, dances with my children, carries my children, lifts them up, lets them fly, plays with them, sees their beauty, hears their voices, smells their yumminess, talks to them, holds their hands.

My body is amazing, it has created and sustained miracles.

What am I Worth?

How much am I worth?  How do you measure the value of a person?  If I auctioned myself off on eBay, what would I get?

I measure my value by feedback I receive from other people.  Most of the time, I discount any praise but take any criticism at 100 %.  I don't know how to measure myself just for me based on my own opinion. I see myself as a reflection of how I think others see me.  I measure my competence against other peoples accomplishments.

I have a huge connection between my physical appearance and my self-worth.  I have rarely thought that I was beautiful.  There have been many times in my life when people have told me that they thought I was attractive and I didn't believe them.  When my father tells me I am beautiful, I think "he has to say that, that is what fathers tell their daughters".  When men in bars told me I am beautiful, I would think "he just wants to get laid".  It took quite a while before I believed exhusband thought I was beautiful, but I often thought he was crazy.  I did believe him, our marriage was one of the only times in my life where I felt consistently o.k. about my looks, I saw a reflection of myself that was beautiful when I saw him looking at me.  Right now I am having trouble looking in a real mirror and seeing that beautiful person.

Most of the time, I know that I am intelligent.  This is probably one of the characteristics that I value the least, even though it is one of the positive ones for me.  When I was young, in primary school, intelligence was not valued by my schoolmates.  The children that received good grades or who knew the answers were picked on.  I very quickly picked up on this and stopped raising my hand and did not publicize my grades.  I often refer to myself as stupid, although that is generally because I have done something stupid, which most often happens when I react without thinking.  I have done more stupid things over the past few months then is normal.  I was reacting on emotions instead of thinking things through.

I often compare myself negatively to other women who appear to accomplish so much compared to me.  I have a friend who went through law school while married to a very busy man and with 4 children.  I was in awe of how she could juggle everything.  There are so many women at my company who have successful careers while raising children, having hobbies and volunteering at charities and I always think "wow, I am barely keeping my head above water with the little that I have".  My mother raised my brother and I while working, volunteering, having an active social life, and helping her elderly parents.  I found it a struggle to be at home with one baby, a struggle to be working with one baby, and a struggle to be home with two babies.  How will I manage working with two little guys?

I struggle with being a mother, a good mother.  I've read tons of books about raising children, spent tons of time looking for parenting advice on the net.  I try to apply that information with the boys, I try to be the mom that I think my boys deserve.  Very often though, I am chastising myself for not being good enough, for making mistakes.

If I think about it and try to be honest with myself, I know that I am not as pathetic as I often feel I am.  I know that I am not ugly or fat, I know that I am doing a decent job raising my two boys, I know that I am good at my job.  But it is so hard to remember this, it is so hard to remember that I bring lots of good things to the table.  It is hard to remember that I am worth a lot more than I feel I am worth.

Cannot Eat, Pray, Love

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" last night and it made me wistful.

I wish that I was able to take a year to travel and find myself.  I really love to travel, to see different things, to experience different cultures, meet interesting people, and to eat.  I have never been able to meditate (I'm great at doing the yoga poses - very flexible), but I cannot get my mind to shut up.  I thought I knew how to love, but I'm no longer sure.  I so badly want a Balinese Medicine Man to read my palm.  That isn't going to happen, I don't have a year of travel money socked away and I have 2 little boys that need to be taken care of.

Eat
I know lots of people who eat when they are stressed, I don't, I stopped eating.  At first I couldn't eat, I felt nauseous all the time.  I did eat a bit, but it was just enough to make sure I didn't faint on the kids.  I started to eat more after my mom reminded me that I was nursing.  After the nauseousness went away I still wasn't eating lots and that is part of my crazy.  I totally connect being thin with being attractive and worthwhile.  When exHusband broke up with me, I instantly went into a really bad place where I felt like I must be ugly, mean, terrible, stupid, etc.  How could I be anything but all around terrible, if I wasn't, he wouldn't have left me.  I know this isn't true, but it is what crazy does to me.  But here is the really bad thing, I like being thin again, I haven't been this thin in a really really long time.  The crazy in me makes me think that if I am thin, then maybe I am o.k.  However, the last time I was this thin, I was young and had lots of collagen in my body, and I hadn't recently had a baby.  So I'm thin but now I have this extra skin on my belly and my face looks a bit older.

Pray

I don't' know what to pray for, I don't know what I want to happen.  I guess maybe I should just pray for peace and to be a good mother.

Love
For a huge part of my life I didn't think that I would ever love.  I was so terrified of being left, of being hurt, that I wouldn't let myself love.  Over time I knew that I needed to change and not be scared or I would be alone for ever.  I didn't plan on falling in love with my exHusband, it just happened and I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to.  It was the most fantastic thing to be in love with someone who I felt loved me back.  I don't know if I will be able to do it again.  Time will tell.

Cherish the Little Moments

Lots of little happy sweet things have happened today, they happen every day, but today I noticed them and told myself to remember them.  The big stuff (vacations, big firsts) are important to remember but it is the little things that happen everyday that make us happy, if we want to be.

Little Moments - hugs - the last few days BBJ1 has been very loving and it is so sweet, I have been getting lots of hugs accompanied by "I love you too, mom".  (he says it first, but always says too)  Some of them come at inopportune times like during diaper change or while I'm trying to nurse BBJ2, but I just melt into them and feel so loved.

Little Moments - dancing -  my bedroom has become a dance club, we turn on the music and dance and laugh

Little Moments - flying - I lie on my back and the boys take turns flying on my legs.  BBJ1 loves this and laughs and screams, the really great moment is when BBJ2 has his turn and his face goes from stoic when I put him up to a huge grin as he very gently bounces up and down.

Little Moments - running through our home on tiptoe today with BBJ1, we took turns being the chaser and chasee and the chaser always says "I'm gonna get you" and then we both end up collapsing on the bean bag or the bed with a "I got you" and lots of giggles at the end.

Little Moments - BBJ1 passed gas while in the tub, there was a look of surprise and then a huge smile and tons and tons of laughter.

Little Moments - when I am nursing BBJ2 and BBJ1 cuddles up next to him on the nursing pillow, it is crowded, but the sweetness is worth it.

Little Moments - the day that BBJ2 first followed me from one room to another.

Little Moments - peaking in on them while they are sleeping and seeing the peace on their beautiful little faces.

Little Moments - when BBJ2 gave me a huge smile followed by his sweet head tilt while I was feeding him his cereal.

Little Moments - playing cars with BBJ1, he is very serious about the playing, but also just glows from the attention.

Little Moments - when holding BBJ2 and he just leans his head on my chest, makes me want to melt.

All these little moments are so important, they let me know that my children love me and trust me, they let me know that my children are happy, these are the moments that are really important.  I hope that I am able to always recognize the little moments and be present with my children during them.  I think that these little moments are what really makes the relationship, not the big stuff.

I Can Do This

Today was a much better day. I know that I can do this, I can be a good mom to my boys, I can be friends with exHusband, I can be myself and I can love and like myself.

I have been very worried about handling mornings by myself after I am back at work. I am not even close to being a morning person. When I was working after BBJ1's mat leave, exHusband did the morning, I got out of bed, had a shower, dressed, grabbed the coffee that exHusband made for me, said good-bye and left. He fed and dressed BBJ1 (while taking his shower and getting ready for work) and took him to daycare. This morning we needed to go to the passport office and I wanted to go as early as possible to avoid huge line-ups. It took one and a half hours from the time we got out of bed to out the door, we all had breakfast, I had a shower, and put on makeup. Not bad, it is workable.

The trip to the passport office was good. BBJ2 slept in the carrier most of the time, but when he was awake he wasn't fussy. BBJ1 was amazing, held my hand all the time, no tantrums (okay, there was about 20 seconds of bad behavior on the platform at St. George subway), he stayed close to me at the passport office (pulled out Buzz Lightyear and a chocolate chip cereal bar when we arrived), and displayed good behavior all the way home.

In the afternoon, BBJ1 helped me polyfil some holes in my bedroom wall (nail holes, not fist holes), and we danced to Motown Classics. It was great fun, even BBJ2 was bopping a bit. It did make BBJ1 go a bit insane, really hyper but the moment was awesome.

At some point today I put on my Grandma's ring. I have my grandmother's engagement ring, and it is very special to me. I loved my grandmother so much and she passed when I was quite young. I used to wear the ring all the time, it makes me feel good to have a piece of grandma with me. I stopped wearing the ring when exHusband put my engagement ring on my hand. It was totally me that stopped myself from wearing the ring. I think that I felt like if I was wearing Grandma's big diamond that I was competing or belittling my engagement ring, like the engagement ring was so important that it needed to stand alone. I love the ring and I love how I feel when I wear it, so I am wearing it again.

Since we broke up, I have been focusing on all the 'problems', I have been spending my time and energy worrying about how I was going to do this, it felt like too much. I have been in a very negative space and blaming exHusband for doing this to me. But the thing is that he didn't do it to me, we did it together, I just didn't see it. We fell in love together, we built our relationship together, we built our home and our family together, we also took our marriage apart together. I did lots of things that contributed to our relationship breaking. I took his love for granted. I focused on what I didn't have or what I wasn't getting and ignored what I did have and what I was getting. I became terrified of losing him and acted on that fear, I was suspicious and jealous. I was angry a lot. I don't think that I would have liked being around me.

I'm going to try to focus on what I do have and what I can do instead of what I don't have or can't do. I'm going to work with exHusband to raise our children in a happy, loving, nurturing family that just happens to have two separate homes.