An Old Year

When people have a bad year they often say something like "good riddance" at New Year's.  I had a really bad year, but I wouldn't wish away the year if I could.  (I would wish away some of what happened this past year, but that is a different story.) Yes, bad things happened, but amazing things happened too.

I became a single mom, against my will, against everything I wanted for me and for my boys.  It totally sucked and there were many many times I didn't think I could do it.  I also became a good single mom, it took some work, it took a crap-load of energy and it took a lot of intelligence and insight.  I'm not where I want to be yet, but my boys are pretty happy, they are healthy, they are intelligent, and they are loved.  I had to change things about myself to do it, I had to accept help, I had to be more selfless, and I had to be more selfish.

The boys did some amazing things this year and I got to see all of it.  BBJ2 took his first steps, learned to walk, learned to climb, said his first word, has hundreds of words and many phrases now, and he said "I love you mommy".  BBJ1 is toilet trained (mostly), and taught himself to pee standing up.  It hasn't been an easy year for the boys, mostly for BBJ1.  He had a really hard time when Daddy moved out, but he seemed to be adjusting, he had a hard time when Daddy visits became erratic, and even harder when Daddy visits stopped, but he seems to be adjusting again.  We (BBJ1 and I, with a lot of advice from my Therapist) have been working on dealing with his anger and temper and it does seem to be helping, tantrums and violence are much less frequent than before.  Overall though he is an amazing little guy, sweet and loving, intelligent, sensitive, creative and imaginative, and most of the time happy (and he has the most beautiful skin ever - I am so envious).   BBJ2 has gone from being a baby to a little person with his own personality and quirks.  He went from a quiet little guy to a chatterbox and recently developed the need to shriek NO at me numerous times a day, but he also says "Hi Mom" to me about 20 times a day and each time it is so sweet.  One of the coolest things is that they went from being my 2 sons, to being brothers, they fight, they are possessive, they are sweet, and they care about each other.

It was a hard year, I spent the first half of the year home alone with the boys and the second half of the year back at work trying to balance everything.  I became totally broke trying to cover rent, daycare, bills, food, and diapers by myself.  I have managed to get myself to a place where I am ok but still broke.  The only people I was able to buy Christmas presents for were the boys, and it was one gift from me, one gift from Santa, and their stockings and that was all.  An amazing thing happened though, people helped, a lot of the help came from my father, but there were lots of other people who don't have much to give, but gave me a little something.  A couple of family members are paying me back money I lent them years ago and never expected to see again.  My step-mom sent diapers when my Dad came to visit.  My brothers helped with some heavy lifting, van providing, and moving of furniture.  My girlfriends gave me some cash. A couple of the women I work with gave me Christmas presents, for me, which is not the norm at my office.  I have often given/lent people money in the past when I had it to give and had always 'written it off', I thought of it as a gift not a loan.  Well, those 'gifts' have been paid back, not always by the person who I gifted, but it came back when I needed it the most.  I'm now living on a pretty tight budget that doesn't leave room for an emergency or anything fun, and it is not easy for me, but it will get better and I don't think that I will ever hit a time when the cable, internet, cell phone, and home phone all get cut off in the same week again.

Going back to work was both tough and a really good thing.  Work gave me a place to use my mind, and a place to be away from memories, and a place to be a social grown-up.  Work also gave me back travel.  I love to travel but haven't for the last bunch of years.  This year I've been to England 3 times, Montreal, the Northeast US, and to Paris.  It was really tough doing the travel, for both me and the boys. They were not o.k. with mom going away, and I don't blame them.  I felt guilty, guilty for leaving them knowing that they were not o.k. with it, I felt guilty for having my mom take care of them (she isn't a spring-chicken), I felt guilty for wanting to be away.  But it has been o.k.  The boys seem to be better with my last trip.  My mom is totally good for continuing to do this, she enjoys the time with the boys, who are better behaved, better eaters, and better sleepers for Grandma than they are for mom.  My trips have been up and down, but the last one was to Paris and I had an amazing time, it was exhausting, long meetings (including conference calls with people in N.A. after the day had finished over there), but I was in Paris, had great food, great wine, and some nice company.

I think though, that the most important thing that happened this past year, is that I remembered that I am valuable, that I am worth a lot.  I had lost sight of that, partly the marriage and partly the children, but the break-up really squashed my sense of worth.  It took a long time to really remember and see how great I am.  I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but at the same time I have many positive attributes.  People would tell me these things and many of them I could agree with intellectually but not emotionally.  There are so many people in my life who love me and think that I am pretty great, and now I agree with them.

So, a very tough year, but a year filled with amazing stuff and good learnings.  I hope that the next year brings more good than bad.  I hope that when the bad happens I am able to remember what I learned this year.  I am strong and I am a mother, I will survive because I have to, I have two very precious little guys who need me.  But, I won't just survive,  because I choose to live my life my way.  I won't wallow in my pain and chalk it up to fate or punishment, pain is a lesson (so far honestly I haven't figured out my lesson) and without it, joy wouldn't be so joyful.  I choose to be me and I choose to see the goodness in the world, I choose to see the unbelievable beauty we are surrounded with, I choose to try to be a good person, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good mother, I choose to smile, I choose to laugh, I choose to breath, I choose to melt when I have a boy sitting on each side of me and they both lean into me, and I choose to be happy.

As an addendum, my year by the numbers:
0 - # of times I won the lottery
1 - # of nights that I had more than 8 hours straight sleep (on business trip)
1 - # of my duvets I had to throw out due to disgusting illness of my children
2 - # of chest x-rays BBJ2 had
2 - # of hair-cuts BBJ1 and I have had
4 - # of litres of milk the boys go through in a week-end
5 - # of times I had to clean out the fridge because BBJ2 got in there and spilt stuff
6 - # of nights that I had 7-8 hours of straight sleep (on business trip)
9 - # of times I had to have blood tests
13 - # of times I swept the floor yesterday
14 - # of times BBJ2 has vomited on me
47 - # of times we have watched "Land of the Lost" (BBJ2 is obsessed with "Dr. Rick Marshall" -  I must say that Will Ferrell's comic genius means that even after 40 viewings, I still laugh at the scene where he douses himself with and drinks dinosaur urine)
63 - # of times I have cleaned pee off of the floor (an approximation)
85 - # of times BBJ2 got excited by Christmas lights (this is an approximation, actual number may be a bit lower)
210 - # of loads of laundry (# accurate to 91%)
758 - # of times I have audibly sighed
897 - # of km I put on the stroller (this is an approximation, actual # probably higher)

7 Years Ago

Seven years (and one minute) ago today I was a Strong, Highly-Intelligent, Confident, Kind/Caring/Loving, Financially Stable, Fun-Loving, Independent, Ambitious and Proud, Optimistic/Hopeful/Positive Woman.  I was a bit guarded, scared of being hurt, but at the same time open to the possibilities that life would give me.  I went out lots, dancing, drinking, laughing, and having fun.  I was free, I came and went as I wanted, the only obligation I had was a fat diabetic cat.

Today, I am broken. I feel like I am an alien compared to that woman who 7 years ago today went out with a friend & that friend's work friends, hoping to have a good time, not knowing that my life would be completely and utterly changed after that night.

I know that I am still emotionally strong, if I wasn't I wouldn't have been able to make it through the last 10 months. I don't always feel strong.  There are days where it takes all my strength just to make it through the day, but I keep going.  I feel like I should be fighting harder for my boys, but don't know how. Physical strength - that is gone, I used to bench more than my weight but due to my illness, I have lost a lot of physical strength, and it is worrisome how quickly I become tired carrying the 2 boys in my arms.  Still I am lucky, I am sure that my Doctor will get things worked out, and even though I am weaker than I was, I am still able to push that double stroller of boys over 3 km/day, still able to play with the boys, still able to do 4 loads of laundry a week, still able to get things done.

There are Attractive Men in the World Again

Ok, so I am sure that there has always been attractive men in the world, I'm just noticing again.

While exHusband & I were together, I didn't feel attraction to other men.  I would see an attractive man and think that they were good-looking or had a nice build, but I wouldn't feel that pull, that HMMMM that you get when you're attracted to someone.

For the first while after he left, I didn't notice any different.   That has changed.  There has been a few lately, sharing an elevator with the cu-tie after my therapy session, on the subway the other day, at the hospital yesterday, and at the park today.  All good-looking, and all a bit of a hmmm.

At one point I was convinced that I would never find anyone who I was attracted to as much as my exHusband - felt a little screwed about it.  The attraction I felt to these guys was not the same as that to exHusband, but it's a start.

Feels good, kind of like coming out of the fog, like my systems are running again, like maybe I'm healing a bit.

My Poor Sweet Boy

I feel so sad for my boys, that they don't have their Dad, who they love and want so much, with them.

BBJ2 seems to be o.k., he is only 10 months old and in just less than 4 months he will have spent half his life with Dad and the other half without.  When he is with his Dad, he just melts into him and he doesn't want to let go, however I don't see any indications that it is a problem for him that Dad isn't around all the time.  I am guessing though, that at some point he will understand and want Dad around more, but he will be used to it.  I hope that he will be o.k.

BBJ1 is a whole different ball of wax.  He is sad and angry.  This morning he said he wanted Dad here, he wanted to go to the elevator and meet him, when I told him that Dad wasn't here and wasn't coming he became very angry and hit me.  A phone call helped for a little while, but he brought it up again a few hours later.

I had a Crapptastic Week

This week has been pretty bad, there has been some good stuff, but I think on the balance scale it leans towards sucky.

Good:

• I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews.  I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull.  
• exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn't ever want to be with me or that he doesn't love me 
• exHusband told me that he misses me everyday
• BBJ2 took his first unassisted steps!
• The boys spent an afternoon with their half-brother and half-sister, this makes them so happy and I miss my step-kids a lot so it was good for me too.
• I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism (this shows up in the bad list too), good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on.  I have been having heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss.  I had these things written off to post-partum hormones, being really active with 2 little kids while nursing, and going through a life-changing break-up.
• exHusband requested photos of me to help him relieve some tension (I know that probably doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is an ego boost to know that even with all the women throwing themselves at him since our split became public knowledge, he still wants me - guess it is hard to find anyone as hot or as good as me)
• The boys are going to their father's for the first time this week-end, so I have been looking forward to having time to myself.

Bad:

• No sleep for me.
• BBJ1 is refusing baths, fighting diaper changes (forget the potty - he is in full regression mode),  is throwing lots of temper tantrums and is sad
• BBJ1 pulled the curtains including the curtain rod out of the ceiling in his bedroom.  So on top of the time change there are no curtains to block out the street lights.
• I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  So it is good to know what has been going on with me and to know that there is treatment, but bad because:
• I have had this since at least the summer (it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues), and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage.  Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while.  My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable, that the sickness would have intensified it.  Irritable, anxious wife does not equate to happy husband.
• If it is being caused by Graves Disease (a common cause and starting to look more and more likely since I found out today that my Grandmother had it, and it runs in families), then the treatment is rougher and I will probably have to stop nursing BBJ2.
• I could go into a hyperthyroid coma, which is terrifying.  I am alone with 2 little boys, what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out?  I don't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911, his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy, Bye Daddy.
• The boys are going to be staying at their father's for the first time this week-end, so I am sad.  This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital.  I had always thought that their first over-night would be at a grand-parent's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating.
• I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart, and has a sexual obsession with me, and wants me to be his best friend, he doesn't want to be with me now.  
• I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has, and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities.  He has big baggage, not carry-on, not regularly checked, but the kind where you have to go to that special counter.  He can get lost in his fears, even when they are irrational. He absolutely believes untruths, even when shown evidence to the contrary.
• I realized that although exHusband wants me to be his best friend, he isn't going to be my friend.
• I realized that I have to accept that regardless of how wrong it is, my marriage is really over.  I'm sad because I have lost the best friend I ever had, I have lost the best sex ever, I have lost great conversations, I have lost my DJ, and I have lost the warmest hands that have ever held me.

I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want what I want and who isn't willing to get help when they so obviously need it.  I need a partner, someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them.  Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness.  Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent.  Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth.

So from now on my exHusband, is simply the father of my children.  I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father.  The only problem is that I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to just turn off my heart.  It took me years to open my heart, I hope it doesn't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again.

My First Divorce - I was 7

There are so many things that happen to us, so many people who touch us, and so many things we choose to do/feel/think that make us who we are.  Many of these things are small things,  having a mom who gives you lots of hugs and reads to you every night, having a brother who calls you thunder thighs, or having nice friendly neighbors.  Some are really big things that have a huge impact on you, this is the first big thing that happened to me, that shaped a lot of how I think and feel.

My first divorce happened when I was about 7.   Being young, I had no clue about relationships and how they work.  My parents didn't fight - there was one loud argument shortly before the split - but that is it.  My Dad wasn't around a lot, he worked long hours, traveled on business, and partied (I didn't know that at the time).  My mom was a stay-at-home mom so she was there all the time.  I don't remember much at all about the break-up.  I have one memory of me running through the house crying.  I remembered the running & crying, my Dad filled in for me that it occurred when my mom and dad explained to my brother and I that they were splitting up.

My whole life changed, not just the moment but the rest of my life changed.

The immediate impact was that Dad was gone, and Mom, Brother & I moved.  My best friend was my next door neighbor, and while we were still going to the same school, it was different.  My mom's parents became even less visible after the break-up - they did not approve of divorce.  My dad's mother was just as visible but pretty much only with my mother (she disapproved strongly and blamed it on her son).  I had two homes (sort of).  I had to split all holidays between two parents.

Shortly after my parents split up, my father moved in with another woman, who I suspect (but have no evidence for) he was seeing before the break.  So I had a step-mother and she wasn't fun.  We got to do lots of fun stuff with Dad, DisneyWorld, a trip across the country, we went to nice restaurants and shows, but we also were driven around by a drunk driver, exposed to lots of very loud yelling matches, and saw things thrown at people in anger.  We were emotionally manipulated and there was anger directed at us by our step-mother.  They broke up about 15 years later, shortly after that my father stopped drinking, met a lovely woman who is now my step-mother and they are great.

My mother raised us in a village of her friends, we often were at fun activities with her friends and their children.  My mom's life was not easy.  She went back to work after a decade of being at home.  She tried to give us all the stuff we wanted and tried to compete with what my dad was able to do with us, but she ended up having to declare bankruptcy and we had to move to a cheap apartment building.  The change in neighborhood and school was like landing on the moon.  I had to toughen up and get street-smart really quickly.

I always knew stuff about my parents and their divorce that any expert today says a child should never know.  I used to carry my Dad's support cheques home from visits.  I knew that the support wasn't enough.  I heard bad stuff spoken about both of my parents, not really bad stuff, but not nice.

I was torn apart.  I loved both of my parents and wanted to be with both of them.  The two houses had different rules and different atmospheres so I was constantly adjusting to what were supposed to be my homes.  I didn't always want to go to my Dad's, I liked mom's and my friends were there, but I had no choice.  Sometimes I wanted to be at Dad's, cooler toys, and even though my Dad was a drunk I loved him.

My parent's divorce changed me from being a care-free little girl into a cautious, scared too grown-up little girl.  My parent's divorce and the scars it gave me is why I chose not to settle for the wrong Mr. Right.  Why I chose to wait to get married until I found the one person I knew I could love and trust my whole life.

Cannot Eat, Pray, Love

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" last night and it made me wistful.

I wish that I was able to take a year to travel and find myself.  I really love to travel, to see different things, to experience different cultures, meet interesting people, and to eat.  I have never been able to meditate (I'm great at doing the yoga poses - very flexible), but I cannot get my mind to shut up.  I thought I knew how to love, but I'm no longer sure.  I so badly want a Balinese Medicine Man to read my palm.  That isn't going to happen, I don't have a year of travel money socked away and I have 2 little boys that need to be taken care of.

Eat
I know lots of people who eat when they are stressed, I don't, I stopped eating.  At first I couldn't eat, I felt nauseous all the time.  I did eat a bit, but it was just enough to make sure I didn't faint on the kids.  I started to eat more after my mom reminded me that I was nursing.  After the nauseousness went away I still wasn't eating lots and that is part of my crazy.  I totally connect being thin with being attractive and worthwhile.  When exHusband broke up with me, I instantly went into a really bad place where I felt like I must be ugly, mean, terrible, stupid, etc.  How could I be anything but all around terrible, if I wasn't, he wouldn't have left me.  I know this isn't true, but it is what crazy does to me.  But here is the really bad thing, I like being thin again, I haven't been this thin in a really really long time.  The crazy in me makes me think that if I am thin, then maybe I am o.k.  However, the last time I was this thin, I was young and had lots of collagen in my body, and I hadn't recently had a baby.  So I'm thin but now I have this extra skin on my belly and my face looks a bit older.

Pray

I don't' know what to pray for, I don't know what I want to happen.  I guess maybe I should just pray for peace and to be a good mother.

Love
For a huge part of my life I didn't think that I would ever love.  I was so terrified of being left, of being hurt, that I wouldn't let myself love.  Over time I knew that I needed to change and not be scared or I would be alone for ever.  I didn't plan on falling in love with my exHusband, it just happened and I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to.  It was the most fantastic thing to be in love with someone who I felt loved me back.  I don't know if I will be able to do it again.  Time will tell.

OK, OK, Going to be OK

The last 2 days have been ok.  Not too bad, not too good.

Yesterday ex came over with the 2 steps to visit.  I didn't cry, I wasn't even sad.  Actually happy at numerous times watching the 4 kids together, they really love and like each other.  BBJ1 was happy to see his big brother and sister, he misses them, he missed them before, as they didn't come over as regularly as he would have liked, but it has been over a month since he has seen them which is a long time.

Today my step-mom and step-brother came over to watch the boys while I went to my therapy session.  BBJ1 was of course happy, he loves playing with guys, he was pushing me out the door "mommy go now!", with literally a shove.  BBJ2 had a bit of a harder time.  He was o.k. as long as he was being held, but any attempt to put him down resulted in crying.

I'm finding the therapy a bit weird, but feels good and helpful.  I talk and then there is a long pause, and sometimes he says stuff, or asks a question, but he really doesn't say much at all.  There are times when he closes his eyes during a pause (mine or sometimes his) and I think "is he falling asleep or is he thinking", one time I almost did an AHEM, but he is just thinking and putting his words together.  It reminds me of this boss I once had who literally would fall asleep in meetings, he did once in my annual review session, I did get an unbelievably good review that year.  He didn't last very long, and I have no idea if there was stuff going on with him.  Weird.

The not so great part of the last 2 days is that BBJ2's sleeping is worse, probably my fault.  I have been trying to put him down earlier, since supposedly they will sleep longer and better the earlier you put them down.  Instead he is waking up in the middle of the night and being totally awake, trying to crawl around and explore.

Feel like ex and I are working towards being friends.  Feels like I am getting better, but not sure if it is real, or my facade.

I Can Do This

Today was a much better day. I know that I can do this, I can be a good mom to my boys, I can be friends with exHusband, I can be myself and I can love and like myself.

I have been very worried about handling mornings by myself after I am back at work. I am not even close to being a morning person. When I was working after BBJ1's mat leave, exHusband did the morning, I got out of bed, had a shower, dressed, grabbed the coffee that exHusband made for me, said good-bye and left. He fed and dressed BBJ1 (while taking his shower and getting ready for work) and took him to daycare. This morning we needed to go to the passport office and I wanted to go as early as possible to avoid huge line-ups. It took one and a half hours from the time we got out of bed to out the door, we all had breakfast, I had a shower, and put on makeup. Not bad, it is workable.

The trip to the passport office was good. BBJ2 slept in the carrier most of the time, but when he was awake he wasn't fussy. BBJ1 was amazing, held my hand all the time, no tantrums (okay, there was about 20 seconds of bad behavior on the platform at St. George subway), he stayed close to me at the passport office (pulled out Buzz Lightyear and a chocolate chip cereal bar when we arrived), and displayed good behavior all the way home.

In the afternoon, BBJ1 helped me polyfil some holes in my bedroom wall (nail holes, not fist holes), and we danced to Motown Classics. It was great fun, even BBJ2 was bopping a bit. It did make BBJ1 go a bit insane, really hyper but the moment was awesome.

At some point today I put on my Grandma's ring. I have my grandmother's engagement ring, and it is very special to me. I loved my grandmother so much and she passed when I was quite young. I used to wear the ring all the time, it makes me feel good to have a piece of grandma with me. I stopped wearing the ring when exHusband put my engagement ring on my hand. It was totally me that stopped myself from wearing the ring. I think that I felt like if I was wearing Grandma's big diamond that I was competing or belittling my engagement ring, like the engagement ring was so important that it needed to stand alone. I love the ring and I love how I feel when I wear it, so I am wearing it again.

Since we broke up, I have been focusing on all the 'problems', I have been spending my time and energy worrying about how I was going to do this, it felt like too much. I have been in a very negative space and blaming exHusband for doing this to me. But the thing is that he didn't do it to me, we did it together, I just didn't see it. We fell in love together, we built our relationship together, we built our home and our family together, we also took our marriage apart together. I did lots of things that contributed to our relationship breaking. I took his love for granted. I focused on what I didn't have or what I wasn't getting and ignored what I did have and what I was getting. I became terrified of losing him and acted on that fear, I was suspicious and jealous. I was angry a lot. I don't think that I would have liked being around me.

I'm going to try to focus on what I do have and what I can do instead of what I don't have or can't do. I'm going to work with exHusband to raise our children in a happy, loving, nurturing family that just happens to have two separate homes.

What a Day!

Today was not a fun day.

In a couple of weeks I am going to England for a business meeting. I need to get my passport renewed since my existing one expires next month. I have just enough time to get a new one if I can get the application in by tomorrow. I arranged for my mom to come and watch BBJ1 so that I could wait in the line ups toddler free. I was expecting her to come in the morning and therefore did not take the boys to the park even though it was a beautiful day. Mom showed up around noon.

So the morning consisted mostly of BBJ1 going through all of my stuff and standing on furniture. At one point he came to me "here mom, for you" with my grandmother's perfume atomizer. It is blown glass and is one of the few things I have of her, I cherish it, and every once in a while I open it and smell Grandma.

After Grandma arrived, I headed out with BBJ2 to go to the passport office. I was wearing BBJ2 in a carrier under my mamajacket. As we neared the subway station, a man walking towards me hit me in the face with a bag of McDonalds and said something like "stop crying about that baby...". I was stunned and confused - I wasn't crying, I was actually in a pretty good mood. I turned around and said "what the fuck?". There was another man behind me who had seen what happened and started to tell the crazy guy off, and received a bag of McDonalds in his face. The two men then fought until the witness guy was holding crazy down on the street in the snow. I was on the phone with 911. There was a third man who had just come off the subway who also was on the phone with 911, he said that crazy had tried to pick fights with numerous people on the subway just prior. It felt like forever before the police showed up. The poor guy holding down crazy was really great, he did keep asking if anyone was coming, but he showed huge restraint, crazy called him the 'N'word and he did not retaliate or beat the dust out of him, but just continued to hold him in place. The police arrived, put crazy in a car, took statements, etc. I was not hurt and BBJ2 was absolutely fine, he slept through almost all of this.

So the hardest part of this was that the only person I wanted to call was ExHusband, but I couldn't call him. I felt like, ok, we are broken up I need to buck up and take care of myself again. I did it for years before I met him and I was o.k., I need to do it again. Later ExHusband texted me about something and I ended up telling him what happened. So I tried to not go to him for support but ended up there anyway.

So once the police said I could go, I headed to the passport office. Once there, waited in line only to find out that the particular office I went to can not turn around a passport as quickly as I need. We headed home, I just didn't have it in me to head downtown to the other office.

Later in the afternoon, at home, BBJ1 was in his chair having a snack and I was trying to get my work laptop connected to the office network, when BBJ1 said "mom, go to the big door, check the door". When he said that I noticed a funny burning smell. I went out into the hallway and the smell was quite strong and there were other neighbors checking it out. We determined that it was coming from the apartment in between us and that neighbor is away. I called building management to have someone check it out. I kept the door open so that I would know when the super came so that I could know if everything was ok. This meant that we had to be in the hallway while BBJ1 ran up and down. At one point some neighbors on the other end of our floor were in the hallway talking, BBJ1 was off, by the time I got there he was inside someone else's apartment sitting on an elderly ladies lap in her dining room. It was a pain to get him out and the man of the apartment kept saying "it's ok, he can stay" and I'm looking at the crystal bowl on the coffee table, so I got him out as quick as possible. BBJ1 decided that we should go into the stairwell. I told him that you have to have shoes on to go into the stairwell, so he went and got his shoes. We ended up going up and down 7 flights of stairs. (I have been thinking that I need to start working out - tighten the glutes - if I'm going to start dating again, so not a bad thing to do stairs). I don't know if the super ever showed up, I managed to get BBJ1 back inside after the stairs, but the smell did go away.

This evening I tried to get back to work work, but needed to call the HelpDesk, they were unable to help me, said to call back later when their tool would be fixed. But after fiddling around with stuff, had trouble getting my personal computer on the internet. While doing all this was nursing and putting down BBJ2 numerous times.

On the plus of today, BBJ2 started to clap his hands again. When he first started clapping, he used to do it a lot. At some point he stopped clapping, but I didn't even notice. This morning BBJ1 was making the music on a toy play and BBJ2 started to clap. I realized then that I haven't seen him clap in ages. I hope that the clapping hiatus was just because he was busy learning other new skills and not because he didn't have anything to clap about.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, although I will be heading downtown with both the boys to try the passport again.

The Balance Sheet of Marriage and Parenthood

I think I now understand why some divorces are so ugly. During our marriage I didn't do things for my husband thinking about what I would get in return, however, now that our marriage is over I keep thinking that he owes me, and since I won't get the emotional support now, and since he isn't going to show up and clean my home, I have been focusing on money. The focus is there because I am broke right now, if he had left when I was back at work instead of on mat leave, it wouldn't bother me so much.

When things were good, I didn't think about who was doing more or less, contributing more or less. When things were stressful for me, (stress caused by external or internal forces) I found myself weighing our contributions against each other. When things were good, it didn't matter if I was doing more of one thing because I was getting more of other stuff. When things were good, I was getting tons of emotional support and love, so nothing else mattered.

Now that our marriage is over I am looking at back at everything and reassessing. I look back and think "Oh my god, why did I do that, of course he would have hated me for that", but at the time I was just reacting to a situation. I look back and wonder if I made the right decisions for me. If I had known that he was going to leave me, would I have done what I did? I look back and wonder how I ended up here. At some point in our marriage I lost myself, it wasn't my husband's fault. For a long time I didn't need or want anyone else, he was enough. Then I became very isolated during my mat leaves and ended up relying on him more.

So the one thing that I feel like he really owes me is time. Time to get back out there, time to reconnect with my friends, time to find and be me. A big part of me are my boys, but I need to have an adult me too.

Karma is a Task Master

Recently I told someone that Karma is a bitch. This was interpreted as they will get what is coming to them for what they have done. I was trying to say that if they changed how they treated people, they would then be treated better.

I just realized that I must have done some terrible things that I don't remember, or that I did things that I didn't thing were terrible but had a disastrous impact to others, because I feel like I am in the middle of a shit storm.

It isn't just that my husband left me, it is everything that happens as a result of that. I'm in emotional turmoil. Most of today I was really good, but just started crying as I edited the photos in the screen-saver on the computer. It is one of the things that really suck about being left. The person who leaves gets to pick what they want to take, they leave behind all the memories, all the pictures, all the things you bought together. The person who is left has all this stuff around to remind them. My husband picked out the paint colour in our living room/dining room. We picked out the couch together, and I'm pretty sure the choice was more him than me. I made the curtain in our bedroom when he was working nights so that it would block out the sun so he could sleep during the day. It goes on and on. While I have already started to make changes (re-arranged the bedroom furniture), I can't just change everything else instantly. I do plan on making more changes over time, but money is tight and the boys will wreck everything anyway so it makes more sense to wait until they are older and are no longer colouring the chairs.

It's knowing that I'm not going to get my turn career wise. A few years ago we decided that my husband would pursue a new career. It meant that I was the income for the family for at least a year. However there was the possibility that once he was established he would become the income for the family and I could pursue a different career. I'm good at what I do, I'm successful in my company, and there are parts of my job that I really enjoy, but it is not a passion. Now that we are broken up and I am supporting myself and 2 children who will need daycare, I won't be able to start from scratch, I'm now a lifer.

It's being alone in the responsibility with the boys. I know that my husband is there for the boys, but it feels really different. I feel so much more responsibility than I did before, which is hard because it was already a lot. Part of the extra responsibility is now I have to help them deal with their father not being here. Part of it is just being alone 24 hours a day with them.

I was pretty bitchy when I was a teen-ager, maybe it is finally coming back to haunt me.

Do I Miss My Husband or Miss Having a Husband

Today was a crappy day and I had no one to vent to. This made me start to wonder if I was missing my husband or missing having a husband. I miss having someone to talk to about my day, about the kids, about whatever. I miss hearing about an adult's day. I miss the companionship.

Before I met my husband, I lived alone and was o.k. with it, but after having over 6 years of talking to the same person everyday, over 5 years of having another warm adult body in my bed at night, I'm no longer o.k. being alone. I know that I am not really alone, the boys are here with me, all the time with me, but it isn't the same.

I don't know the answer yet, maybe I will someday.

I need to give myself time-outs

So another week has gone by, thought I was doing much better but then lost it tonight. I saw something tonight that I assumed my husband had written and posted on FB and lost it, dropped him as a friend and then texted him. Turns out that the post was automatically generated by an app. This is not the first time over the last month or so that I cursed myself for moving too quickly when upset. I really need to implement some sort of timeout for myself before I text. Probably should stop texting too.

Leading up to this incident, the week felt like most weeks, did normal stuff with the boys, went to the park, ran errands, cleaned makeup off the toddler's face, changed diapers, fed the boys, etc. Only difference is husband is not here and I had a lot more company than usual. (the support hasn't stopped)

I went to my counseling session was o.k. It is really nice to talk to someone who does not have any history with me or my husband or our families. I don't feel like he is judging me or husband, which seems pretty rare. He also seemed to think that I am pretty pulled together considering, but warned that I could totally lose at any point in the future, now there is something to look forward to.

My mother-in-law came for a visit this week. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, but thought I would just see how it went before making any decisions on no in-laws or yes in-laws. It was o.k. I think that it was mostly o.k. because she was quite sympathetic to me and upset with her son. It was kind of boosting but at the same time a bit sad. It seems like the only people that my husband has on his side are his 'friends'. I'm not sure that these friends are true friends that will help him move forward in a mature healthy way. I could be wrong and I hope I am.

The boys are doing well. There have been moments this week when my toddler has been sad, hopefully this will fade. An amazing thing did happen this week, baby took a bottle from my mother while I was at my counseling session, this bodes well for my sanity.

Angry Angry Angry

It has been a bitch of a week.

I am so angry at my husband that I just want to smack him, of course I won't, because that isn't me and I've been trying really hard to get my toddler to stop hitting (and pinching, and biting, and head-butting) so it wouldn't set a good example.

I am positive that he has lied to me about some stuff and he doesn't show any respect for the fact that we are married and were not broken up at the time of some of his antics.

Mostly I'm pissed because I am left holding the bag.

The only way I can get the baby to sleep at night for ages is to have him sleep in my arms or in bed with me. He often sleeps for 2/3 hours in the late evening in his crib, but after that it is with me. The baby is crawling and pulling himself up and starting to get into stuff. I have a rambunctious, curious, fun, crazy toddler who can (and will) get anything he wants to, there is nowhere to hide stuff, he will climb, move furniture, anything he needs to get something he wants.

So my husband is starting his new life, he's couch flopping with a buddy until he gets his new apartment in 2 weeks. He's out partying with his 'friends' while I'm here alone with 2 little ones. The baby doesn't take a bottle and the only way he'll go to sleep is nursing, so I can't really go out, even if I could find someone to babysit. I have no problem getting people to sit during the day or evening, but late evening gets to be trickier.

I really wonder about myself. I always thought I was such a good judge of character and I really believed my husband was going to stand beside me for the rest of my life. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't perfect and that he had big issues, but I loved him anyway. Even when he was the biggest ass in the world, and I had trouble looking at him, I still loved him. He had said to me when we were breaking up that he didn't want to lose our friendship because I had been a true friend to him. I'm not sure that I will be able to do it. I will try but it is going to be rough.

On the plus side, my family and friends are being hugely supportive. Everybody is offering up anything I need. My brother showed up with a t.v. last night to replace the one that the toddler fried. (I told my husband he could have the t.v., haha!).

Both of the boys seem to be o.k. Tonight was the first time that my older boy asked when daddy was coming home and didn't seem to upset by it. It is going to take a while for them to get used to the change, but I think that if I can hold myself together and be nice towards the husband, the boys will be o.k.

1 year, 3 months later and sad as hell

So, it has been a long time since I last posted. What has happened during that time?

I got pregnant again, had another beautiful boy, and my husband left me.

I'm currently on mat leave with both of my little guys home with me. My husband left 3 days ago. Tonight is the first night it is just the 3 of us here in our home.

Catch up:

I was back at work for just over a year before #2 was born. I thought it was a good year. Work went really well, worked on some tough projects, got lots of kudos, managed to not get hit during a re-org. #1 son seemed to flourish at daycare, everyone there loved him and he loved it. The pregnancy went pretty well, full-term this time, but another c-section. Husband pulled his weight, he did mornings with #1 son (I got out of bed, hit the shower, got dressed, said good-bye and left), I did evenings while husband worked.

The pregnancy was a complete surprise. When #2 son arrived, the surprise turned out to be the most wonderful gift that I had no idea I wanted or needed. He is a wonderful baby, so calm and sweet and happy. He slept lots and for over 2 months he slept from 10pm to 5/6/7am every night. This of course did not last and now I get maybe 4 hours of non-contiguous sleep a night,

Being on mat leave has been tough. #1 Son is a ball of energy. All summer we were at the park twice a day every day - it was the only way to keep my sanity. He can get into everything and anything in our home. We live in a 2 bedroom apt and it has been really cramped. I was really stressed about our living situation for quite a while, but it passed (mostly). We have to make do with what we have, right? About the same time that #2 stopped sleeping at night, #1 stopped napping and refused to have a quiet time.

So less than 2 weeks ago, I learned that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me. This is the saddest thing that I have ever gone through. I am heartbroken and angry. I never wanted to be a single mom, but here I am, a single mom. I had really thought that we were one of those special couples that make it all the way. We used to joke about changing each other's diapers. I used to picture us sitting in rockers on a porch surrounded by our grandchildren.

Now I picture myself alone.

I had an Afternoon to Myself at Home

A week ago, Husband needed to go visit his parents for an obligatory but he offered to take Baby and let me stay home.

This was the longest time that I have had to myself at home since Baby.  Previous alone time had really only consisted of Baby being taken for a walk,  so up to an hour.  I get free time from the Baby, but normally I go out and Baby stays home with Husband.

Prior to Husband, I lived by  myself and loved it.  Prior to Baby, I used to get lots of free time at home due to different schedules that Husband and I had.  I used to miss Husband when we didn't see each other much but still really appreciated the alone time to do what ever I wanted, to just be without having anyone around.  

Since Baby, I have a lot of time with just Baby and me, and even when Baby is sleeping, it is not the same as being alone.  Baby could wake up at any minute and interrupt what ever it is that I am doing.

So, when Husband suggested that he take Baby and leave me at home, I was so excited that I didn't know what to do.

- I could just take a really long bath, give myself a pedicure

- I could take a nap

- I could read

- I could catch up on my blog

- I could cook my favorite food just for me

So many choices....

So, what did I do?  I cleaned the apartment and took a really long shower.  I know that this sounds like such a waste.  Couldn't I clean anytime?  Don't I take a shower regularly?  Yes to both but this was different.  I didn't need to worry about the vacuum waking up or scaring Baby.  I was able to temporarily put things on the floor to dust surfaces without worrying about Baby eating them.  I took a shower without having to sing or play peek-a-boo.  It was a great afternoon.

I really appreciated Husband for  the afternoon.  I also felt sorry for Husband, as apparently visiting with Baby without me wasn't so much fun.  It made me feel a little bit good that his time wasn't that great, a little bit of reality for him.

Husband & I go on a Date - Woopee!!!!!

On Sunday for the first time since Baby arrived, husband and I went on a date - without Baby -  it was the best day ever!!!

Grandma came over to watch Baby while we went out to a restaurant.  It was the most rejuvenating thing I have done in ages.  I wasn't sure how well Grandma would do, she is Baby's favourite family member, however it has been a long time since she has taken care of a baby.  Grandma was great!!  About half-way through our meal, Husband started to think that maybe we should call since he was worried that we hadn't received any phone calls.  There was an interesting conversation about getting home and finding Grandma passed out on the floor and Baby sitting in the middle of a pile of books eating them (Baby loves to pull books off the shelves so that he can ingest knowledge).

Prior to Grandma's babysitting, Baby had only been without either Husband or I once.  My Brother watched the Baby with his son while I was out wedding dress shopping with my future sister-in-law.  Brother lasted 45 minutes before making the emergency call.  Since we were close by, it ended up that Brother watched Baby for 1 hour - 55 minutes of which consisted of Baby crying his eyes out, loudly.

Grandma lasted until we got home - probably about 3 hours.  Baby did cry for the first hour approximately and then was just cranky and sad.  Happily though Baby was fine after we got home - no grudges held against any of us, although he has been extra clingy with Husband when he goes into work in the morning.

After this, we have decided to try to increase the amount of time that Baby is without us, in the hopes that it will help him with the transition to day care when I go back to work.

Grandpa is lined up for this week-end - we will see how it goes.

By the way, I think that the date Husband and I went on was the best date ever.

My Husband Wants his Wife Back - I Want my Life Back

I walk around like a zombie, I am exhausted all the time, I prioritize the baby over everything/everyone else (even my self).  I waited a long time to find the right man for me and am so grateful that I did wait.  Husband and I were made for each other and love each other so much.  In so many ways we are different from each other, but we just go together.  

We both love baby to death but the strain on our relationship has been hard, and I didn't know until recently that it was so big for husband.  I knew I was feeling strain and my strain was all about practical stuff (practical to me).  I was trying to do everything during the day around the baby's schedule and then up a lot during the night.  Husband works hard and a lot (he is gone for work 12 hours/day 3-4 days a week and 14 hours/day 2 days a week - that's right, he works 6 days/week every other week) and I was feeling like I was getting all the crap and that Husband was getting only the good stuff with baby.

It turns out though that Husband was feeling strain as well, just different.  I  wasn't paying as much attention to him, I was spending most of the night in the baby's room, I wasn't talking as much (too tired + baby brain not helping with conversational skills).  

Things have been much better since we talked it through, but this is still really hard.  I am still tired, I still want more help, I still wish Husband was home more.  I am working on appreciating Husband more for what he does do instead of focusing on what he doesn't do and he is trying to remember that not every thing is about him. (He used to assume that if I was angry/frustrated after a rough day with the baby that I was blaming him, when really I was just frustrated).

But still, do I ever get my life back?  Do I get to sleep all night some time?  Do I get to take off whenever I want to go visit friends without having to worry about baby's nap time?   Do I get to go buy new shoes without thinking about the fact that 4 inch heels are not practical when carrying a 25 pound baby?  When I go back to work do I get to work until 8pm because the project timelines are under pressure without having to figure out what to do with baby?  Can I  make a phone call without worrying about the baby screaming and not hearing if girlfriend's blind date was a jerk or a doll?

I don't thing I will ever get my old life back, but maybe that is o.k.  Maybe my new life will be better.  Maybe the cuddles and the first smile, and the giggling, and the first step, and watching the world being explored by my son are more than worth what I am giving up.   So far, I think it is, I just need to remember that.