Sleep Training?

I'm at the end of my rope.  BBJ2's sleeping pattern is too much to handle right now.  I am contemplating "sleep training" but don't think I should (I don't think it is the correct thing to do for a baby) or that I can.

I did not do sleep training or crying it out with BBJ1.  I received lots of suggestions to let him cry it out which always included examples of success stories, but exhusband and I did not think it was the right thing to do for our baby and toughed it out.  He didn't sleep through the night until he was 1 and at daycare.   He was able to fall asleep without nursing, if exhusband put him down by holding him and swaying while singing to him.  He is now able to put himself to sleep without any 'crutches'.

This time is tougher, I now have 2 boys to take care of all day, no chance for a nap (BBJ1 almost never naps), and I think that BBJ2's sleep pattern is worse.  So, I have been researching, looking for a magic bullet.  One of the things I keep reading is "children need to learn how to put themselves to sleep" "this is a skill they need to learn to become adults", o.k. this may be true, but when?  My child will need to drive one day but I'm not going to give him the keys to the car when he is 4.  My boys will need to take the subway by themselves at some point, I'm not going to send them off with their tokens just yet.  People need to eat solid food, but you don't give a one month old a steak.  Most people seem to understand that children need to be introduced to different things at the appropriate age, and you can often tell the appropriate age by watching your children.  It seems like the one exception to this is sleeping.  If your baby can't put them-self to sleep, maybe they are not ready, maybe they still need you to parent them.

If your baby is crying, they need something, why is it o.k. to deny a helpless innocent child something they need, because it is inconvenient to you?  Parents don't deny their babies a clean diaper or food when the baby is hungry.  So the crying might not be due to a physical requirement, it may be emotional but so what?  If you were crying about something for 20 minutes and your spouse was in the next room and didn't come and give you a hug how would you feel?

Regardless of my feelings on sleep training, I have tried a couple of things along the lines of sleep-training over the last two days, with no success.  I have put BBJ2 in his crib when I know that he is tired, but he is awake.  This results in either him crying immediately or him standing up and "calling" out.  Last night I put him down and left him, I made it one minute before I had to go get him.  I was balling my eyes out.  I was crying for a few reasons;
1. for myself - so tired - so frustrated
2. for BBJ2 -  he was so sad
3. for BBJ2 - poor guy has an evil mom who left him crying for all that time.

Even after last night's experience, I am still feeling desperate and wanting some solution, I just don't know what that solution is.  I know that at some point he will sleep all night, I just want it to be now.

BBJ1 is a Comedian

BBJ1 was funny tonight.

He had a late afternoon nap, falling asleep in the stroller when we went to the drugstore.  I had to wake him up for dinner and he was grumpy at the time.  We had roast beef, mashed potatoes, vegies and gravy.  He said "no, I want lunch from the cupboard", I went through everything in the cupboard, and he said no to everything.  He then requested waffles, so I made the waffles and presented them to him and I received this response "I want more, I want more".  I asked "more what?", "more".  This went on for quite a while until he came up with "candy, I want more candy".  From this point on he was just funny.

I was in the bedroom putting on BBJ2's pajamas.  BBJ2 was wailing (tired and teething).  BBJ1 walks in and says "what is going on in here mom?"  in this totally serious and stern voice.

He was eating these gummy candy things that came in a cup.  He removed them from the cup and they were stuck together in one huge lump.  He was standing on the coffee table while I was nursing BBJ2.  I requested one of his candies.  He took the lump of candies, hid it behind his back and said "I am putting them away now", again in a very serious voice.

Later while I was trying to put BBJ2 down, BBJ1 came in and was playing with the candies, I took one and put it in my mouth.  He gave me a funny face, held out his hand and said "my candy, I need that back", so I took it out of my mouth and returned it to him.  He inspected and then said "OK" and put it down.

He accidently left a couple of the candies on the chair, so when he left the room, I put one in my mouth, when he came back I was chewing, he gave me the mad face, held out his hand and said "mom, those are my candies, leave them"  when I explained that it was too late, I had already eaten, he shook his head at me.

I'm sure there was more but that is all I can remember right now.

And yes, you caught it, my son had gummies for dinner and that is o.k.

Another fun thing, I'm pretty sure that BBJ2 said "mom" tonight.

Need Comments/Help - Pumping

I'm trying to build a milk supply for BBJ2 for when I need to go out and for my upcoming trip to London.  The supply in the freezer is growing, but not at the rate I think is necessary.  I am hoping that there is someone reading this who can offer some help/feedback.

Timing of pumping:
I really only try to pump when he is a asleep.  I wait about an hour after he has gone down before I pump.  There are some problems with this method.  He rarely naps during the day, if he is in the stroller and we go out, he will nap, but with the weather we've had this is not happening very often.  Without the stroller he will sleep in my arms, and sometimes I can get him down but it only lasts 45 minutes tops.  In the evening, we are in this continuous cycle of nurse, fall asleep, put in crib, wake up (tonight I have been him down 6 different times already).  It often gets to the point that I am just so tired I can't stay up any longer.

So, anyone out there pumping during the day while their baby is awake?  How does that work for you and your baby?  What happens if your baby wants/needs to nurse and you are empty because you just pumped?

Pumping
Pumping is easier since I picked up an electric pump, but I still find it to be a pain.  Constantly washing & sterilizing the equipment just adds to the already too big task list.  But the big thing is that no matter how long I leave the pump on, it stops getting milk but there is still milk in my breast.  I end up hand squeezing for a minute or so to get all the milk.

Does anyone else have this issue about the pump not getting all the milk?  Any tips?

How much do I need?
BBJ2 nurses, I am not away from him very much and never for more than a few hours.  I have no idea how much milk he takes in when he nurses.

How much milk do they need?  How do you figure it out?

OK, OK, Going to be OK

The last 2 days have been ok.  Not too bad, not too good.

Yesterday ex came over with the 2 steps to visit.  I didn't cry, I wasn't even sad.  Actually happy at numerous times watching the 4 kids together, they really love and like each other.  BBJ1 was happy to see his big brother and sister, he misses them, he missed them before, as they didn't come over as regularly as he would have liked, but it has been over a month since he has seen them which is a long time.

Today my step-mom and step-brother came over to watch the boys while I went to my therapy session.  BBJ1 was of course happy, he loves playing with guys, he was pushing me out the door "mommy go now!", with literally a shove.  BBJ2 had a bit of a harder time.  He was o.k. as long as he was being held, but any attempt to put him down resulted in crying.

I'm finding the therapy a bit weird, but feels good and helpful.  I talk and then there is a long pause, and sometimes he says stuff, or asks a question, but he really doesn't say much at all.  There are times when he closes his eyes during a pause (mine or sometimes his) and I think "is he falling asleep or is he thinking", one time I almost did an AHEM, but he is just thinking and putting his words together.  It reminds me of this boss I once had who literally would fall asleep in meetings, he did once in my annual review session, I did get an unbelievably good review that year.  He didn't last very long, and I have no idea if there was stuff going on with him.  Weird.

The not so great part of the last 2 days is that BBJ2's sleeping is worse, probably my fault.  I have been trying to put him down earlier, since supposedly they will sleep longer and better the earlier you put them down.  Instead he is waking up in the middle of the night and being totally awake, trying to crawl around and explore.

Feel like ex and I are working towards being friends.  Feels like I am getting better, but not sure if it is real, or my facade.

Knackered Out

So tired, I have been tired for for over 3 months or for a few years, depends on how I look at it.

When I was pregnant with BBJ1, I was exhausted, I couldn't get enough sleep.  Spent a year at home with BBJ1 who slept through the night maybe 4 times.  Spent a year back at work, taking care of BBJ1 and  pregnant with BBJ2 for 9 months.  The second pregnancy was not as exhausting as the first, but still tiring. For the last 8 months taking care of 2 little guys full time.

For the last 3.5 months BBJ2 has not slept through the night.  For the last 2 or 3 months BBJ1 hasn't napped (he naps if Daddy is home and puts him down, but that is it), which means that I cannot take a nap during the day to catch up.  BBJ2 often sleeps for 45 min - 1hour at a time from about 8pm until 2pm, at that point I give up trying to put him back in his crib and take him to bed with me.  I have nothing against sleeping with your baby, it can be quite beneficial for everyone if everyone is happy with it, but I'm not.  I find that when the baby is in bed with me I don't sleep as well, I wake up frequently to check on him, make sure I have rolled on him or covered his face with the blankets, etc.

On top of BBJ2's sleeping pattern, I am trying to express milk to prepare for my upcoming trip to London.  I find that I need to wait about an hour after nursing to get a good amount of milk.  So every time I do get him down, I wait to try to pump instead of going to bed.  Very often he wakes up just before I start or while I am pumping.  BBJ2 does not have a schedule for nursing or sleeping during the day.  I'm nervous to pump during the day unless he is napping in the stroller (almost guaranteed that he will sleep for about 3 hours if he is in the stroller and we go), I never know when he is going to need to nurse and don't want to be empty.

So not near enough sleep + nursing + pumping + no chance to nap + playing with the boys + pushing a stroller with 2 kids in it (or wearing one in a carrier) + + + + = one very knackered mama.

I Can Do This

Today was a much better day. I know that I can do this, I can be a good mom to my boys, I can be friends with exHusband, I can be myself and I can love and like myself.

I have been very worried about handling mornings by myself after I am back at work. I am not even close to being a morning person. When I was working after BBJ1's mat leave, exHusband did the morning, I got out of bed, had a shower, dressed, grabbed the coffee that exHusband made for me, said good-bye and left. He fed and dressed BBJ1 (while taking his shower and getting ready for work) and took him to daycare. This morning we needed to go to the passport office and I wanted to go as early as possible to avoid huge line-ups. It took one and a half hours from the time we got out of bed to out the door, we all had breakfast, I had a shower, and put on makeup. Not bad, it is workable.

The trip to the passport office was good. BBJ2 slept in the carrier most of the time, but when he was awake he wasn't fussy. BBJ1 was amazing, held my hand all the time, no tantrums (okay, there was about 20 seconds of bad behavior on the platform at St. George subway), he stayed close to me at the passport office (pulled out Buzz Lightyear and a chocolate chip cereal bar when we arrived), and displayed good behavior all the way home.

In the afternoon, BBJ1 helped me polyfil some holes in my bedroom wall (nail holes, not fist holes), and we danced to Motown Classics. It was great fun, even BBJ2 was bopping a bit. It did make BBJ1 go a bit insane, really hyper but the moment was awesome.

At some point today I put on my Grandma's ring. I have my grandmother's engagement ring, and it is very special to me. I loved my grandmother so much and she passed when I was quite young. I used to wear the ring all the time, it makes me feel good to have a piece of grandma with me. I stopped wearing the ring when exHusband put my engagement ring on my hand. It was totally me that stopped myself from wearing the ring. I think that I felt like if I was wearing Grandma's big diamond that I was competing or belittling my engagement ring, like the engagement ring was so important that it needed to stand alone. I love the ring and I love how I feel when I wear it, so I am wearing it again.

Since we broke up, I have been focusing on all the 'problems', I have been spending my time and energy worrying about how I was going to do this, it felt like too much. I have been in a very negative space and blaming exHusband for doing this to me. But the thing is that he didn't do it to me, we did it together, I just didn't see it. We fell in love together, we built our relationship together, we built our home and our family together, we also took our marriage apart together. I did lots of things that contributed to our relationship breaking. I took his love for granted. I focused on what I didn't have or what I wasn't getting and ignored what I did have and what I was getting. I became terrified of losing him and acted on that fear, I was suspicious and jealous. I was angry a lot. I don't think that I would have liked being around me.

I'm going to try to focus on what I do have and what I can do instead of what I don't have or can't do. I'm going to work with exHusband to raise our children in a happy, loving, nurturing family that just happens to have two separate homes.

What a Day!

Today was not a fun day.

In a couple of weeks I am going to England for a business meeting. I need to get my passport renewed since my existing one expires next month. I have just enough time to get a new one if I can get the application in by tomorrow. I arranged for my mom to come and watch BBJ1 so that I could wait in the line ups toddler free. I was expecting her to come in the morning and therefore did not take the boys to the park even though it was a beautiful day. Mom showed up around noon.

So the morning consisted mostly of BBJ1 going through all of my stuff and standing on furniture. At one point he came to me "here mom, for you" with my grandmother's perfume atomizer. It is blown glass and is one of the few things I have of her, I cherish it, and every once in a while I open it and smell Grandma.

After Grandma arrived, I headed out with BBJ2 to go to the passport office. I was wearing BBJ2 in a carrier under my mamajacket. As we neared the subway station, a man walking towards me hit me in the face with a bag of McDonalds and said something like "stop crying about that baby...". I was stunned and confused - I wasn't crying, I was actually in a pretty good mood. I turned around and said "what the fuck?". There was another man behind me who had seen what happened and started to tell the crazy guy off, and received a bag of McDonalds in his face. The two men then fought until the witness guy was holding crazy down on the street in the snow. I was on the phone with 911. There was a third man who had just come off the subway who also was on the phone with 911, he said that crazy had tried to pick fights with numerous people on the subway just prior. It felt like forever before the police showed up. The poor guy holding down crazy was really great, he did keep asking if anyone was coming, but he showed huge restraint, crazy called him the 'N'word and he did not retaliate or beat the dust out of him, but just continued to hold him in place. The police arrived, put crazy in a car, took statements, etc. I was not hurt and BBJ2 was absolutely fine, he slept through almost all of this.

So the hardest part of this was that the only person I wanted to call was ExHusband, but I couldn't call him. I felt like, ok, we are broken up I need to buck up and take care of myself again. I did it for years before I met him and I was o.k., I need to do it again. Later ExHusband texted me about something and I ended up telling him what happened. So I tried to not go to him for support but ended up there anyway.

So once the police said I could go, I headed to the passport office. Once there, waited in line only to find out that the particular office I went to can not turn around a passport as quickly as I need. We headed home, I just didn't have it in me to head downtown to the other office.

Later in the afternoon, at home, BBJ1 was in his chair having a snack and I was trying to get my work laptop connected to the office network, when BBJ1 said "mom, go to the big door, check the door". When he said that I noticed a funny burning smell. I went out into the hallway and the smell was quite strong and there were other neighbors checking it out. We determined that it was coming from the apartment in between us and that neighbor is away. I called building management to have someone check it out. I kept the door open so that I would know when the super came so that I could know if everything was ok. This meant that we had to be in the hallway while BBJ1 ran up and down. At one point some neighbors on the other end of our floor were in the hallway talking, BBJ1 was off, by the time I got there he was inside someone else's apartment sitting on an elderly ladies lap in her dining room. It was a pain to get him out and the man of the apartment kept saying "it's ok, he can stay" and I'm looking at the crystal bowl on the coffee table, so I got him out as quick as possible. BBJ1 decided that we should go into the stairwell. I told him that you have to have shoes on to go into the stairwell, so he went and got his shoes. We ended up going up and down 7 flights of stairs. (I have been thinking that I need to start working out - tighten the glutes - if I'm going to start dating again, so not a bad thing to do stairs). I don't know if the super ever showed up, I managed to get BBJ1 back inside after the stairs, but the smell did go away.

This evening I tried to get back to work work, but needed to call the HelpDesk, they were unable to help me, said to call back later when their tool would be fixed. But after fiddling around with stuff, had trouble getting my personal computer on the internet. While doing all this was nursing and putting down BBJ2 numerous times.

On the plus of today, BBJ2 started to clap his hands again. When he first started clapping, he used to do it a lot. At some point he stopped clapping, but I didn't even notice. This morning BBJ1 was making the music on a toy play and BBJ2 started to clap. I realized then that I haven't seen him clap in ages. I hope that the clapping hiatus was just because he was busy learning other new skills and not because he didn't have anything to clap about.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, although I will be heading downtown with both the boys to try the passport again.