This week has been pretty bad, there has been some good stuff, but I think on the balance scale it leans towards sucky.
- I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews. I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull.
- exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn't ever want to be with me or that he doesn't love me
- exHusband told me that he misses me everyday
- BBJ2 took his first unassisted steps!
- The boys spent an afternoon with their half-brother and half-sister, this makes them so happy and I miss my step-kids a lot so it was good for me too.
- I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism (this shows up in the bad list too), good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on. I have been having heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss. I had these things written off to post-partum hormones, being really active with 2 little kids while nursing, and going through a life-changing break-up.
- exHusband requested photos of me to help him relieve some tension (I know that probably doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is an ego boost to know that even with all the women throwing themselves at him since our split became public knowledge, he still wants me - guess it is hard to find anyone as hot or as good as me)
- The boys are going to their father's for the first time this week-end, so I have been looking forward to having time to myself.
- No sleep for me.
- BBJ1 is refusing baths, fighting diaper changes (forget the potty - he is in full regression mode), is throwing lots of temper tantrums and is sad
- BBJ1 pulled the curtains including the curtain rod out of the ceiling in his bedroom. So on top of the time change there are no curtains to block out the street lights.
- I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. So it is good to know what has been going on with me and to know that there is treatment, but bad because:
- I have had this since at least the summer (it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues), and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage. Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while. My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable, that the sickness would have intensified it. Irritable, anxious wife does not equate to happy husband.
- If it is being caused by Graves Disease (a common cause and starting to look more and more likely since I found out today that my Grandmother had it, and it runs in families), then the treatment is rougher and I will probably have to stop nursing BBJ2.
- I could go into a hyperthyroid coma, which is terrifying. I am alone with 2 little boys, what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out? I don't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911, his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy, Bye Daddy.
- The boys are going to be staying at their father's for the first time this week-end, so I am sad. This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital. I had always thought that their first over-night would be at a grand-parent's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating.
- I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart, and has a sexual obsession with me, and wants me to be his best friend, he doesn't want to be with me now.
- I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has, and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities. He has big baggage, not carry-on, not regularly checked, but the kind where you have to go to that special counter. He can get lost in his fears, even when they are irrational. He absolutely believes untruths, even when shown evidence to the contrary.
- I realized that although exHusband wants me to be his best friend, he isn't going to be my friend.
- I realized that I have to accept that regardless of how wrong it is, my marriage is really over. I'm sad because I have lost the best friend I ever had, I have lost the best sex ever, I have lost great conversations, I have lost my DJ, and I have lost the warmest hands that have ever held me.
I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want what I want and who isn't willing to get help when they so obviously need it. I need a partner, someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them. Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness. Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent. Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth.
So from now on my exHusband, is simply the father of my children. I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father. The only problem is that I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just turn off my heart. It took me years to open my heart, I hope it doesn't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again.