Saturday, 26 March 2011

I had a Crapptastic Week

This week has been pretty bad, there has been some good stuff, but I think on the balance scale it leans towards sucky.

  • I chopped off all my hair and have had rave reviews.  I feel lighter and there is a lot less for BBJ2 to grab and pull.  
  • exHusband said that I am crazy if I think that he doesn't ever want to be with me or that he doesn't love me 
  • exHusband told me that he misses me everyday
  • BBJ2 took his first unassisted steps!
  • The boys spent an afternoon with their half-brother and half-sister, this makes them so happy and I miss my step-kids a lot so it was good for me too.
  • I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism (this shows up in the bad list too), good because there is an explanation for a bunch of stuff going on.  I have been having heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, and tremors for about 7 months and some pretty drastic weight loss.  I had these things written off to post-partum hormones, being really active with 2 little kids while nursing, and going through a life-changing break-up.
  • exHusband requested photos of me to help him relieve some tension (I know that probably doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is an ego boost to know that even with all the women throwing themselves at him since our split became public knowledge, he still wants me - guess it is hard to find anyone as hot or as good as me)
  • The boys are going to their father's for the first time this week-end, so I have been looking forward to having time to myself.
  • No sleep for me.
  • BBJ1 is refusing baths, fighting diaper changes (forget the potty - he is in full regression mode),  is throwing lots of temper tantrums and is sad
  • BBJ1 pulled the curtains including the curtain rod out of the ceiling in his bedroom.  So on top of the time change there are no curtains to block out the street lights.
  • I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  So it is good to know what has been going on with me and to know that there is treatment, but bad because:
    • I have had this since at least the summer (it is pretty common for it to take up to 2 years to be diagnosed because the symptoms are very common to other issues), and some of the symptoms may have created some issues in my marriage.  Anxiety and irritablity and trouble concentrating are all symptoms and I have been having them for quite a while.  My Doctor advised that even though my life may have given me reason to be irritable, that the sickness would have intensified it.  Irritable, anxious wife does not equate to happy husband.
    • If it is being caused by Graves Disease (a common cause and starting to look more and more likely since I found out today that my Grandmother had it, and it runs in families), then the treatment is rougher and I will probably have to stop nursing BBJ2.
    • I could go into a hyperthyroid coma, which is terrifying.  I am alone with 2 little boys, what are they going to do if mom is suddenly passed out?  I don't think that BBJ1 is ready to learn how to phone 911, his phone conversations consist of Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy, Bye Daddy.
  • The boys are going to be staying at their father's for the first time this week-end, so I am sad.  This will be the first time that either of them has spent a night anywhere but home since they came home from the hospital.  I had always thought that their first over-night would be at a grand-parent's home so that exHusband and I could spend some dedicated time fornicating.
  • I realized that regardless of the fact that exHusband loves me with all his heart, and has a sexual obsession with me, and wants me to be his best friend, he doesn't want to be with me now.  
  • I realized that exHusband is not going to deal with the issues that he has, and is not going to learn how to handle his fears and insecurities.  He has big baggage, not carry-on, not regularly checked, but the kind where you have to go to that special counter.  He can get lost in his fears, even when they are irrational. He absolutely believes untruths, even when shown evidence to the contrary.
  • I realized that although exHusband wants me to be his best friend, he isn't going to be my friend.
  • I realized that I have to accept that regardless of how wrong it is, my marriage is really over.  I'm sad because I have lost the best friend I ever had, I have lost the best sex ever, I have lost great conversations, I have lost my DJ, and I have lost the warmest hands that have ever held me.
I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want what I want and who isn't willing to get help when they so obviously need it.  I need a partner, someone I can trust who will be there for me when I need them.  Someone who will give me a big hug and let me soak their shoulder in my tears when I have just been diagnosed with a sickness.  Someone who will understand how I am feeling and let me vent.  Someone who will not get angry and bitchy when told the truth.

So from now on my exHusband, is simply the father of my children.  I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that my boys have a good and healthy relationship with their father.  The only problem is that I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to just turn off my heart.  It took me years to open my heart, I hope it doesn't take as long to close it back up tight so that I will be safe again.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

My Son Could be One of the Jackasses

Johnny Knoxville, Bam Magera, Steve-O, my older boy is one of you.  BBJ1 has seen Jackass at least once, however his crazy started way before the viewing.

Crazy physical stunts, check:
He will climb anything.  He will use a truck as the first step in climbing, trucks have wheels and will slip out from under you.  He will drag furniture around to help him get up.  He uses the stroller to take pictures down from the wall.  He likes to stand with one foot on top of his brother's crib and the other foot on the ladder to the bunk-bed - about 3 feet away.  He thinks that the Diaper Genie is a safe climbing tool.

One of his favorite things to do is to stand on the coffee table, on top of a pillow and then jump onto the couch.  He throws himself back and forth on the couch, not caring that there is a glass topped coffee table a foot away.  He will dive from anything to anything.  He once took a dive from one end of the bed to the other end, smashing his face into the metal bed frame.

He has excellent balance, he often stands and walks on the couch arm (about 2 inches wide).  Lately he has taken to walking on the edge of the tub while I take my shower, and even when wet he hasn't fallen.

Dangerous weapons, check:
He is currently obsessed with swords.  The other day I was on the couch nursing BBJ2, and BBJ1 was on the kitchen counter.  I wasn't worried, I just thought "great more flour to clean up", forgetting that there was a big bread knife in the sink.  He runs out from the kitchen, plants his feet and holds the knife just like a sword and yelled something.  I made him a sword out of cardboard, but he rejected it and keeps asking for his sword.

Anything he finds that could be used to swing around, he will.  We've been having curtain rod problems, so there has been a few of them hidden behind doors until they are re-installed.  These are constantly being swung around and held while running.

Handles physical pain, check:
Today I broke a vase in the kitchen, when I was finished cleaning it up, BBJ1 took the vacuum so that he could clean the couch (such a good boy).  I was doing dishes when he started yelling for me, he had the vacuum hose stuck to his cheek.  I turned the vacuum off to stop the suction, he had a fit, "put it back on mommy, need to clean face mommy, meanwhile he had a huge really red round mark on his face.  He has had more split lips, bloody noses, and bumps on the head than I have had in my entire life.

Gross stuff, check:
The kid will put his hand in a poopy diaper to touch his penis, enough said.

Eating weird stuff, maybe:
He does eat some weird things, like Cheesies dipped in milk, but there are lots of things that he will not eat based solely on a visual inspection.

Getting his hands dirty, probably not:
He does not care if his entire body, face and head are covered in any kind of disgusting goo, but he hates having the palms of his hands dirty or wet.  If he falls down in the mud, he will try to get up without using his hands (hilarious stuff, I have some great video footage).  When he is eating, he will stop and ask for his hands to be cleaned so that he can continue.

Walking on stuff bare foot, maybe:
He generally doesn't like getting things on the bottom of his feet.  He is almost always barefoot at home (his preference), and if he steps on a cheerio he will stop, hold his foot up until it is cleaned.  He doesn't like walking on sand barefoot.

So overall, I think he has a lot of the right qualities to be a famous fool, he does have some stuff to work on, we'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

I'm Going Surfing

I'm going surfing, someday.

Recently on Twitter,  BloggingDangerously  tweeted the question "If you could be anyplace in the world for 2 weeks, where would it be?" I responded "Hawaii so that I could learn how to surf like I have wanted to since I was a little girl".  It then kept popping into my head how I have wanted to do this for so long.  I then realised that I don't have any personal goals that are just for me and about me.  I have the goal of raising my boys to be the best people they can be.  I sometimes have career goals, but those are not real goals for me, they help me to keep going at my job.

I have wanted to surf for ever.  I love being in the water and I really love the ocean, I have been known to spend hours just floating in the warm salt water when I have been down south.  I like to go fast (ask almost anyone who has been in a car I was driving), and I have a bit of the daredevil in me, even though I often logic myself out of really risky stuff.

Years ago when I pictured myself surfing I did picture myself in a bikini, but now after two babies and 2 c-sections, it might be a one-piece or a wet-suit.  I also pictured myself single and hanging out dancing and drinking the evenings away, and it is quite possible that when I do get there that I might have 2 little boys in tow and maybe won't be able to party all night.  I've always associated surfing with Hawaii, but maybe it will be California or Australia.  It doesn't matter if the picture of how I will look or who I am with, or where changes, it is the doing it that matters.

So now I have a personal goal of going surfing.  I have even started getting ready.  About 7 years ago, I did some research on learning to surf and read that you should be in pretty good shape and be up to 100 push ups a day to handle all the dog paddling.  So I have started a push up regimen.   I am going to start paying attention and copying my son since he has great balance and recovery.  I believe he gets his awesome physical abilities from me (go ahead and disagree exHusband), and that I have just forgotten how to use my body as well as he does.

I feel good, something for me alone about me alone.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Sickness Sucks

Man! It has been a tough week.  Both the boys and I have been sick, yucky sick.

I have been pretty lucky so far with the boys health.  BBJ1 had runny noses when he was teething, but was pretty healthy the first year until he hit daycare.  Within the first couple of months of starting daycare, he had croup, an ear infection, a cold, and one night of dreadful vomiting, other than that he has been healthy. During all of those sicknesses exHusband was here to share in the care-giving.  We took turns taking time off work to be home with BBJ1, even sometimes splitting the day.  We both cleaned vomit, we both cleaned the nose, we both held him and rocked him to make him feel better - we shared the load.  This is the first time that BBJ2 has been sick.

It started with BBJ2, and for the first 2 days, I could rarely put him down, he was either nursing or in my arms.  Those days were exhausting, it is hard almost constantly holding the baby, while also trying to keep a toddler alive.  Then BBJ2 started to get better, he was crawling around, but he still wouldn't eat any solid food which means lots more nursing than normal.  As BBJ2 was getting better BBJ1 started to become sick.  I must say the kid is such a trouper, diarrhea & vomiting and not one complaint from him, just demands to clean the mess.  He was exhausted, slept more than normal and was unbelievably calm.  It was like a little holiday for me that made me very sad.

I get scared when my kids are not feeling well.  I was taking temperatures constantly.  I was watching them like a hawk.  There was more than once when I was on the verge of packing them up to go to the hospital or the pediatric walk-in clinic.  There was no need to take them, they were just sick, but it really freaks me out when they are not o.k.

I was also exhausted.  The first night of BBJ2's sickness, I didn't sleep and he barely slept, I don't remember if the sleep got any better for the following nights.  Diaper changes were occurring about 4 times more frequently than normal.  I had to do laundry so that we would all have clean sheets in our beds, then had to laundry the next day so that they would have clean pajamas, they were going through them so fast.  I was constantly trying to clean everything to make sure that the germs weren't going back in to them.

Then I got hit with it, just as they both were through the worst of it.  Bloody rough.   Most of yesterday I was fighting to not pass out and leave the 2 of them fending for themselves.  BBJ1 was now fully recovered and was jumping on me, on my nauseous belly, and would not calm down.  I tried explaining that mommy was sick like he had been - he did not give a rat's ass.

I know that if I wasn't a single mother, it still would have been hard dealing with all of the sickness, but I missed having that in person second opinion (I think that it is pretty hard to understand how sick someone is by text message), I missed having an extra pair of hands to help with the heavy lifting, I think the boys missed having the second person to hug, while I was busy with the other one.  The being sick myself is completely different without a partner, I remember exHusband staying home from work when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 when I was really sick, so that BBJ1 would be taken care of properly and so that I could recuperate better.

How do you handle sickness in your home?  Any tips for the next time?

Saturday, 5 March 2011

My First Divorce - I was 7

There are so many things that happen to us, so many people who touch us, and so many things we choose to do/feel/think that make us who we are.  Many of these things are small things,  having a mom who gives you lots of hugs and reads to you every night, having a brother who calls you thunder thighs, or having nice friendly neighbors.  Some are really big things that have a huge impact on you, this is the first big thing that happened to me, that shaped a lot of how I think and feel.

My first divorce happened when I was about 7.   Being young, I had no clue about relationships and how they work.  My parents didn't fight - there was one loud argument shortly before the split - but that is it.  My Dad wasn't around a lot, he worked long hours, traveled on business, and partied (I didn't know that at the time).  My mom was a stay-at-home mom so she was there all the time.  I don't remember much at all about the break-up.  I have one memory of me running through the house crying.  I remembered the running & crying, my Dad filled in for me that it occurred when my mom and dad explained to my brother and I that they were splitting up.

My whole life changed, not just the moment but the rest of my life changed.

The immediate impact was that Dad was gone, and Mom, Brother & I moved.  My best friend was my next door neighbor, and while we were still going to the same school, it was different.  My mom's parents became even less visible after the break-up - they did not approve of divorce.  My dad's mother was just as visible but pretty much only with my mother (she disapproved strongly and blamed it on her son).  I had two homes (sort of).  I had to split all holidays between two parents.

Shortly after my parents split up, my father moved in with another woman, who I suspect (but have no evidence for) he was seeing before the break.  So I had a step-mother and she wasn't fun.  We got to do lots of fun stuff with Dad, DisneyWorld, a trip across the country, we went to nice restaurants and shows, but we also were driven around by a drunk driver, exposed to lots of very loud yelling matches, and saw things thrown at people in anger.  We were emotionally manipulated and there was anger directed at us by our step-mother.  They broke up about 15 years later, shortly after that my father stopped drinking, met a lovely woman who is now my step-mother and they are great.

My mother raised us in a village of her friends, we often were at fun activities with her friends and their children.  My mom's life was not easy.  She went back to work after a decade of being at home.  She tried to give us all the stuff we wanted and tried to compete with what my dad was able to do with us, but she ended up having to declare bankruptcy and we had to move to a cheap apartment building.  The change in neighborhood and school was like landing on the moon.  I had to toughen up and get street-smart really quickly.

I always knew stuff about my parents and their divorce that any expert today says a child should never know.  I used to carry my Dad's support cheques home from visits.  I knew that the support wasn't enough.  I heard bad stuff spoken about both of my parents, not really bad stuff, but not nice.

I was torn apart.  I loved both of my parents and wanted to be with both of them.  The two houses had different rules and different atmospheres so I was constantly adjusting to what were supposed to be my homes.  I didn't always want to go to my Dad's, I liked mom's and my friends were there, but I had no choice.  Sometimes I wanted to be at Dad's, cooler toys, and even though my Dad was a drunk I loved him.

My parent's divorce changed me from being a care-free little girl into a cautious, scared too grown-up little girl.  My parent's divorce and the scars it gave me is why I chose not to settle for the wrong Mr. Right.  Why I chose to wait to get married until I found the one person I knew I could love and trust my whole life.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

What Happened to My Dog?

So for the one or two people out there who don't personally know me and read my blog, you may have noticed that when I was on mat leave with BBJ1 there was a dog in the mix, and since I have been writing again, the dog is absent.  Here is the story of Dog.

When exHusband and I were almost living together we discussed that we both wanted a dog, I hadn't had a dog in years and exHusband had recently lost his dog.   One day we were out shopping and stopped in the pet store, they had beagle puppies (exHusband had always wanted a beagle).  The puppies were cute, I asked to hold one, he licked my nose, and that was that.  Dog came home with us.

He was so cute, I don't think that there has ever been a cuter dog.  He was really sweet.  We loved him.

We tried to train him, but we failed.  We never got him house-trained.  It was terrible.  We tried crate training but too late and not consistently enough.  I tried a bunch of The Dog Whisperer's stuff and it helped a bit but it was hard.  He was a barker, not the when left alone he barks the whole time barker, but the excited barker and the if anyone is in the hallway or stairwell barker.  He had tons of energy and wanted to play all the time.  He jumped up on people.  He was a garbage hound, he would eat anything he could get, he ate the most beautiful chicken sandwich that exHusband had made for himself, right off the table.  He ate chicken bones and broken light bulbs, which resulted in vet visits and disgusting messes.  We loved him.

BBJ1 came along and we were really nervous about the dog.  He was very energetic, he was a jumper and didn't seem to have any control over himself when he was excited.  When we brought BBJ1 home from the hospital, it was amazing, he was a totally different dog.  He was very protective over the baby, on day 1, he actually barked at exHusband the first time he held the baby, in front of Dog.  He was calmer and just all around better.  We loved him.

As BBJ1 became older and more mobile, there was a bit more of his old behavior coming through.  I was pretty frustrated with him.  Having your baby crawl into a puddle of dog urine is not good.  BBJ1 was not a great sleeper and the dog would always start whining or barking just when I got him down, waking him up.  It was also a big pain having to take him out with the baby in the winter, and the timing of needed walks often coincided with BBJ1 sleeping.  We loved him.

I went back to work and while the behavior didn't change it wasn't as noticeable  of a problem.  We were all out all day, so it was just evenings and week-ends that we were all together.  And there was an awesome benefit of having a garbage hound when you have a baby then toddler eating, I didn't need to sweep up all of the dropped/spilled/thrown food because the Dog would get it.  We loved him.

Then BBJ2 came home.  When that happened, BBJ1 and I were at home full-time.  Things were not good.  Once again Dog became very protective over the baby against everyone else.  BBJ1 was not good with Dog, he chased the dog, grabbed the dog's tail, hit the dog, tried to ride the dog, etc.  Dog reacted badly to BBJ1.  He didn't hurt him but he was growling at him, and did snap at him.  We were done.

My mother took him to try and find a home (a childless home) for him.  She wasn't successful and Dog was being aggressive with her dog, so he went to the humane society.  I wrote a very honest letter about him, about how sweet and loving he is, how he needs lots of attention and exercise and that he should not be around young children.  He was adopted.

For a very long time (before the aggression to BBJ1) I felt like I failed with Dog.  I really felt that if I could have been more consistent and sterner and and and, that he would have been a better dog.  I don't feel that anymore, I think that he was a great dog, but not for our family.  We still miss him, and still love him.