Monday, 30 May 2011

One Week Left

I am back in the office in a week.  So not ready.  BBJ1 starts his daycare transition today, so I have one week to do everything that is impossible to do with them, and one week to get my fucked up head in place, not feeling confident about the outcome.

There is a bunch of home stuff that I plan on doing, and even more that I would like to do, but won't/can't.  I'm planning on doing a thorough cleaning, cleaning the oven (hasn't been done in years), pulling out the fridge and cleaning under it, that type of stuff.  Plan on installing a blind in the boys room.  Need to sort through their clothes and move stuff to storage.  I had been planning on painting the boys room this week, but that won't happen because there is still some extra furniture in there that I can't paint around.

I need to pull together some sort of wardrobe for work, none of my work clothes are even close to fitting me.  I had expected that once I started my thyroid meds that I would gain back some weight but that hasn't happened.  Might end up doing some sewing to try and put some stuff together.

I need to put some space in my head to fill with work, but I don't know if I can.  This last week has been really tough in so many ways, with the boys, with money, but the worst is that I have been dwelling in anger, and sadness.  In some ways being on mat leave when my marriage crumbled was the worst timing (money & being alone with the boys 24/7), but at the same time if one day at 2pm I lost it, I could just sit on the floor in the kitchen and cry (I tried to limit this as I know it isn't great for the boys), but it is not ok to do that at work.

I'm hoping that I get lots done, but mostly hoping that the boys have a good week.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

There are Attractive Men in the World Again

Ok, so I am sure that there has always been attractive men in the world, I'm just noticing again.

While exHusband & I were together, I didn't feel attraction to other men.  I would see an attractive man and think that they were good-looking or had a nice build, but I wouldn't feel that pull, that HMMMM that you get when you're attracted to someone.

For the first while after he left, I didn't notice any different.   That has changed.  There has been a few lately, sharing an elevator with the cu-tie after my therapy session, on the subway the other day, at the hospital yesterday, and at the park today.  All good-looking, and all a bit of a hmmm.

At one point I was convinced that I would never find anyone who I was attracted to as much as my exHusband - felt a little screwed about it.  The attraction I felt to these guys was not the same as that to exHusband, but it's a start.

Feels good, kind of like coming out of the fog, like my systems are running again, like maybe I'm healing a bit.

Dad + Help = pissed off me

Today my father offered (or insisted I'm not sure) me some monetary assistance and the whole thing just pissed me off, trying to work through why.

Right now, I'm really tight for money.  I have June's rent in the bank, but that is it.  BBJ2's daycare is payed until the end of May, BBJ1's is not paid and I need to put a deposit & his first week down a week tomorrow.  There should be some money coming in, but I can't count on anything until the 15th of June.

This morning I was chatting with my step-mom and we were talking about the toughness of being alone without having geographically close support for helping with day-care drop-off/pick-up or when one of the boys are sick, etc.  I mentioned that I was probably going to try to find someone in the building who could do mornings with the boys.  My idea is that when I leave in the morning, I could drop them off (or the care-giver could come here), and the care-giver would give them breakfast, get them dressed and take them to day-care.  When I was talking about it I said that I was going to wait until I was back at work and had a couple of pay-checks in.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Does Every Parent Panic?

Do you panic when your child is sick?  I don't panic over colds, or mild fevers, but I did panic last night.

Close to bed-time, BBJ2 was nursing himself to sleep when he started crying then pulling off and then nursing again.  After a few times, I switched sides thinking that might be the problem, although he normally just bites me when he wants to switch.  When I switched him, I noticed a red mark on his cheek, but just thought it was from the pressure against my arm.  Then he pulled off and cried again and I noticed his entire cheek on the other side was red.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

I Miss My Grandma

I have been thinking about my PGrandma (paternal grandmother) a lot lately, and wishing that I could talk to her.  She died when I was in 2nd grade (I think), so I didn't really get to know her.  I know that I loved her and she loved me.  Her death was the first time I questioned God.  I was angry that she was gone, and who else was there to blame?

She was a great grandma, she taught my brother and I to play softball, she let us make tents out of her old Hudson Bay blankets (Dad wasn't allowed to play with them when he was a boy), she hugged us, she gave me tea in proper china teacups and she tried to teach me manners and etiquette.

Friday, 13 May 2011

My Breasts are Magic

Like pretty much every woman I know, I have had a very up and down relationship with my breasts.  Currently I think they are amazing and can do magical things.

I remember when I was young wanting to have breasts.  My friend and I used to do the "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises, to no avail.  When we started 6th grade, one of the girls had grown a pair, a substantial pair, over the summer and I was jealous as was pretty much every girl in our class.  (Years later, there was a rumour that she was stuffing, I have no idea if this was true or not, but when I heard it I felt a little satisfied)

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Mother's Day is Everyday

My interpretation of Mother's Day is that it is a day designated for people to show appreciation to the people who have mothered them.  Mother's do so much for their children everyday, often putting aside their own needs and wants.  For a long time the children are too young to give formal appreciation and don't understand that their mother needs or wants to be appreciated.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

We Started Daycare This Week

I have about a month until my maternity leave is over and I go back to work, so we started BBJ2's transition to daycare this week.

After much debate on nanny vs daycare centre vs at-home daycare, the boys will be attending a daycare centre (the same one that BBJ1 attended prior to BBJ2's birth), while I am at work.  The daycare is wonderful and I know that both the boys will be happy there, will make friends, learn to socialize, and will learn so much.  It will add about an hour to both ends of my commute, and it will be tough getting all 3 of us fed and ready and out the door, and it is not cheap, but I feel it is the best thing for my boys and therefore will hopefully tough it out.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

I Am Back

I really haven't resolved anything except that blogging helps me, and I need it, so I am going to be writing again, and sharing my life.

When I write I will try to not be mean in my intent,  and therefore hopefully not in impact.

I don't promise that everyone reading my words will feel good about them, and maybe that is a good thing.