Sunday, 22 May 2011

Dad + Help = pissed off me

Today my father offered (or insisted I'm not sure) me some monetary assistance and the whole thing just pissed me off, trying to work through why.

Right now, I'm really tight for money.  I have June's rent in the bank, but that is it.  BBJ2's daycare is payed until the end of May, BBJ1's is not paid and I need to put a deposit & his first week down a week tomorrow.  There should be some money coming in, but I can't count on anything until the 15th of June.

This morning I was chatting with my step-mom and we were talking about the toughness of being alone without having geographically close support for helping with day-care drop-off/pick-up or when one of the boys are sick, etc.  I mentioned that I was probably going to try to find someone in the building who could do mornings with the boys.  My idea is that when I leave in the morning, I could drop them off (or the care-giver could come here), and the care-giver would give them breakfast, get them dressed and take them to day-care.  When I was talking about it I said that I was going to wait until I was back at work and had a couple of pay-checks in.

In the afternoon my dad left a message asking that I call him, it was done in his serious voice.  When I called back he explained that he had talked to step-mom and that he was going to give me the money to do this, that I shouldn't wait, blah, blah, blah.  There was a huge pause, I wanted to just say "leave me alone", but I didn't, I said "Thank you", then another big pause, then I said "OK, Thank-you".

After the call I just felt pissed and irritated.

I haven't been telling people how broke I am.  I'm a month behind on all bills, I have no cell phone, I have a broken tooth, and I'm worried that I'm going to either miss rent or not be able to pay day-care (which is going to cause a huge problem with work).   Getting the boys & I all ready in the morning, out the door, and to daycare is going to be a huge hassle - it looks like I am going to have to be up at 5:30 am to be able to get it all done and be able to be at work early enough that I can leave in time to get the boys out of daycare at the end of the day.  But, if I had extra money I wouldn't be using it to help with mornings, there are so many other things the money is needed for.

If my Dad wants to help me and give me money, why doesn't he just give me money?  For some reason, since exHusband left my Dad has been convinced that I need a car and has been looking for a used car that he will buy for me.  I have told him numerous times that I am not sure that I actually want a car & that I am not willing to take on any extra expenses (parking spot in the building, insurance, gas, maintenance, etc) until after I am back at work.  Then this comes up and he jumps all over it.  I know that he wants to help & support me, but why does he have to designate money to something specific?

Still, why did it bother me so much?

Did I think he was trying to control me?  I cannot think of one time in my life where a money situation with my dad did not involve strings &/or guilt - with the exception of birthday card money.  This was true for both my brother & I.  There have been other times since exHusband left when I felt like my Dad was taking over.

Is it because I want to be able to do this on my own?  I have always had a huge problem asking & receiving help of any kind.  I have been taking care of myself for a really long time, even when I was living at home.

I don't know, need to figure this out, feel kind of stupid about the whole money thing, and feel embarrassed.

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