Monday, 31 January 2011

Do I Miss My Husband or Miss Having a Husband

Today was a crappy day and I had no one to vent to. This made me start to wonder if I was missing my husband or missing having a husband. I miss having someone to talk to about my day, about the kids, about whatever. I miss hearing about an adult's day. I miss the companionship.

Before I met my husband, I lived alone and was o.k. with it, but after having over 6 years of talking to the same person everyday, over 5 years of having another warm adult body in my bed at night, I'm no longer o.k. being alone. I know that I am not really alone, the boys are here with me, all the time with me, but it isn't the same.

I don't know the answer yet, maybe I will someday.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

I need to give myself time-outs

So another week has gone by, thought I was doing much better but then lost it tonight. I saw something tonight that I assumed my husband had written and posted on FB and lost it, dropped him as a friend and then texted him. Turns out that the post was automatically generated by an app. This is not the first time over the last month or so that I cursed myself for moving too quickly when upset. I really need to implement some sort of timeout for myself before I text. Probably should stop texting too.

Leading up to this incident, the week felt like most weeks, did normal stuff with the boys, went to the park, ran errands, cleaned makeup off the toddler's face, changed diapers, fed the boys, etc. Only difference is husband is not here and I had a lot more company than usual. (the support hasn't stopped)

I went to my counseling session was o.k. It is really nice to talk to someone who does not have any history with me or my husband or our families. I don't feel like he is judging me or husband, which seems pretty rare. He also seemed to think that I am pretty pulled together considering, but warned that I could totally lose at any point in the future, now there is something to look forward to.

My mother-in-law came for a visit this week. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, but thought I would just see how it went before making any decisions on no in-laws or yes in-laws. It was o.k. I think that it was mostly o.k. because she was quite sympathetic to me and upset with her son. It was kind of boosting but at the same time a bit sad. It seems like the only people that my husband has on his side are his 'friends'. I'm not sure that these friends are true friends that will help him move forward in a mature healthy way. I could be wrong and I hope I am.

The boys are doing well. There have been moments this week when my toddler has been sad, hopefully this will fade. An amazing thing did happen this week, baby took a bottle from my mother while I was at my counseling session, this bodes well for my sanity.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Angry Angry Angry

It has been a bitch of a week.

I am so angry at my husband that I just want to smack him, of course I won't, because that isn't me and I've been trying really hard to get my toddler to stop hitting (and pinching, and biting, and head-butting) so it wouldn't set a good example.

I am positive that he has lied to me about some stuff and he doesn't show any respect for the fact that we are married and were not broken up at the time of some of his antics.

Mostly I'm pissed because I am left holding the bag.

The only way I can get the baby to sleep at night for ages is to have him sleep in my arms or in bed with me. He often sleeps for 2/3 hours in the late evening in his crib, but after that it is with me. The baby is crawling and pulling himself up and starting to get into stuff. I have a rambunctious, curious, fun, crazy toddler who can (and will) get anything he wants to, there is nowhere to hide stuff, he will climb, move furniture, anything he needs to get something he wants.

So my husband is starting his new life, he's couch flopping with a buddy until he gets his new apartment in 2 weeks. He's out partying with his 'friends' while I'm here alone with 2 little ones. The baby doesn't take a bottle and the only way he'll go to sleep is nursing, so I can't really go out, even if I could find someone to babysit. I have no problem getting people to sit during the day or evening, but late evening gets to be trickier.

I really wonder about myself. I always thought I was such a good judge of character and I really believed my husband was going to stand beside me for the rest of my life. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't perfect and that he had big issues, but I loved him anyway. Even when he was the biggest ass in the world, and I had trouble looking at him, I still loved him. He had said to me when we were breaking up that he didn't want to lose our friendship because I had been a true friend to him. I'm not sure that I will be able to do it. I will try but it is going to be rough.

On the plus side, my family and friends are being hugely supportive. Everybody is offering up anything I need. My brother showed up with a t.v. last night to replace the one that the toddler fried. (I told my husband he could have the t.v., haha!).

Both of the boys seem to be o.k. Tonight was the first time that my older boy asked when daddy was coming home and didn't seem to upset by it. It is going to take a while for them to get used to the change, but I think that if I can hold myself together and be nice towards the husband, the boys will be o.k.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

1 year, 3 months later and sad as hell

So, it has been a long time since I last posted. What has happened during that time?
I got pregnant again, had another beautiful boy, and my husband left me.

I'm currently on mat leave with both of my little guys home with me. My husband left 3 days ago. Tonight is the first night it is just the 3 of us here in our home.

Catch up:
I was back at work for just over a year before #2 was born. I thought it was a good year. Work went really well, worked on some tough projects, got lots of kudos, managed to not get hit during a re-org. #1 son seemed to flourish at daycare, everyone there loved him and he loved it. The pregnancy went pretty well, full-term this time, but another c-section. Husband pulled his weight, he did mornings with #1 son (I got out of bed, hit the shower, got dressed, said good-bye and left), I did evenings while husband worked.

The pregnancy was a complete surprise. When #2 son arrived, the surprise turned out to be the most wonderful gift that I had no idea I wanted or needed. He is a wonderful baby, so calm and sweet and happy. He slept lots and for over 2 months he slept from 10pm to 5/6/7am every night. This of course did not last and now I get maybe 4 hours of non-contiguous sleep a night,

Being on mat leave has been tough. #1 Son is a ball of energy. All summer we were at the park twice a day every day - it was the only way to keep my sanity. He can get into everything and anything in our home. We live in a 2 bedroom apt and it has been really cramped. I was really stressed about our living situation for quite a while, but it passed (mostly). We have to make do with what we have, right? About the same time that #2 stopped sleeping at night, #1 stopped napping and refused to have a quiet time.

So less than 2 weeks ago, I learned that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me. This is the saddest thing that I have ever gone through. I am heartbroken and angry. I never wanted to be a single mom, but here I am, a single mom. I had really thought that we were one of those special couples that make it all the way. We used to joke about changing each other's diapers. I used to picture us sitting in rockers on a porch surrounded by our grandchildren.

Now I picture myself alone.