Friday, 13 February 2009

My Husband Wants his Wife Back - I Want my Life Back

I walk around like a zombie, I am exhausted all the time, I prioritize the baby over everything/everyone else (even my self).  I waited a long time to find the right man for me and am so grateful that I did wait.  Husband and I were made for each other and love each other so much.  In so many ways we are different from each other, but we just go together.  

We both love baby to death but the strain on our relationship has been hard, and I didn't know until recently that it was so big for husband.  I knew I was feeling strain and my strain was all about practical stuff (practical to me).  I was trying to do everything during the day around the baby's schedule and then up a lot during the night.  Husband works hard and a lot (he is gone for work 12 hours/day 3-4 days a week and 14 hours/day 2 days a week - that's right, he works 6 days/week every other week) and I was feeling like I was getting all the crap and that Husband was getting only the good stuff with baby.

It turns out though that Husband was feeling strain as well, just different.  I  wasn't paying as much attention to him, I was spending most of the night in the baby's room, I wasn't talking as much (too tired + baby brain not helping with conversational skills).  

Things have been much better since we talked it through, but this is still really hard.  I am still tired, I still want more help, I still wish Husband was home more.  I am working on appreciating Husband more for what he does do instead of focusing on what he doesn't do and he is trying to remember that not every thing is about him. (He used to assume that if I was angry/frustrated after a rough day with the baby that I was blaming him, when really I was just frustrated).

But still, do I ever get my life back?  Do I get to sleep all night some time?  Do I get to take off whenever I want to go visit friends without having to worry about baby's nap time?   Do I get to go buy new shoes without thinking about the fact that 4 inch heels are not practical when carrying a 25 pound baby?  When I go back to work do I get to work until 8pm because the project timelines are under pressure without having to figure out what to do with baby?  Can I  make a phone call without worrying about the baby screaming and not hearing if girlfriend's blind date was a jerk or a doll?

I don't thing I will ever get my old life back, but maybe that is o.k.  Maybe my new life will be better.  Maybe the cuddles and the first smile, and the giggling, and the first step, and watching the world being explored by my son are more than worth what I am giving up.   So far, I think it is, I just need to remember that.

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