I wish that I was able to take a year to travel and find myself. I really love to travel, to see different things, to experience different cultures, meet interesting people, and to eat. I have never been able to meditate (I'm great at doing the yoga poses - very flexible), but I cannot get my mind to shut up. I thought I knew how to love, but I'm no longer sure. I so badly want a Balinese Medicine Man to read my palm. That isn't going to happen, I don't have a year of travel money socked away and I have 2 little boys that need to be taken care of.
I know lots of people who eat when they are stressed, I don't, I stopped eating. At first I couldn't eat, I felt nauseous all the time. I did eat a bit, but it was just enough to make sure I didn't faint on the kids. I started to eat more after my mom reminded me that I was nursing. After the nauseousness went away I still wasn't eating lots and that is part of my crazy. I totally connect being thin with being attractive and worthwhile. When exHusband broke up with me, I instantly went into a really bad place where I felt like I must be ugly, mean, terrible, stupid, etc. How could I be anything but all around terrible, if I wasn't, he wouldn't have left me. I know this isn't true, but it is what crazy does to me. But here is the really bad thing, I like being thin again, I haven't been this thin in a really really long time. The crazy in me makes me think that if I am thin, then maybe I am o.k. However, the last time I was this thin, I was young and had lots of collagen in my body, and I hadn't recently had a baby. So I'm thin but now I have this extra skin on my belly and my face looks a bit older.
I don't' know what to pray for, I don't know what I want to happen. I guess maybe I should just pray for peace and to be a good mother.
For a huge part of my life I didn't think that I would ever love. I was so terrified of being left, of being hurt, that I wouldn't let myself love. Over time I knew that I needed to change and not be scared or I would be alone for ever. I didn't plan on falling in love with my exHusband, it just happened and I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to. It was the most fantastic thing to be in love with someone who I felt loved me back. I don't know if I will be able to do it again. Time will tell.