Sunday, 13 February 2011

Cannot Eat, Pray, Love

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" last night and it made me wistful.

I wish that I was able to take a year to travel and find myself.  I really love to travel, to see different things, to experience different cultures, meet interesting people, and to eat.  I have never been able to meditate (I'm great at doing the yoga poses - very flexible), but I cannot get my mind to shut up.  I thought I knew how to love, but I'm no longer sure.  I so badly want a Balinese Medicine Man to read my palm.  That isn't going to happen, I don't have a year of travel money socked away and I have 2 little boys that need to be taken care of.

I know lots of people who eat when they are stressed, I don't, I stopped eating.  At first I couldn't eat, I felt nauseous all the time.  I did eat a bit, but it was just enough to make sure I didn't faint on the kids.  I started to eat more after my mom reminded me that I was nursing.  After the nauseousness went away I still wasn't eating lots and that is part of my crazy.  I totally connect being thin with being attractive and worthwhile.  When exHusband broke up with me, I instantly went into a really bad place where I felt like I must be ugly, mean, terrible, stupid, etc.  How could I be anything but all around terrible, if I wasn't, he wouldn't have left me.  I know this isn't true, but it is what crazy does to me.  But here is the really bad thing, I like being thin again, I haven't been this thin in a really really long time.  The crazy in me makes me think that if I am thin, then maybe I am o.k.  However, the last time I was this thin, I was young and had lots of collagen in my body, and I hadn't recently had a baby.  So I'm thin but now I have this extra skin on my belly and my face looks a bit older.

I don't' know what to pray for, I don't know what I want to happen.  I guess maybe I should just pray for peace and to be a good mother.

For a huge part of my life I didn't think that I would ever love.  I was so terrified of being left, of being hurt, that I wouldn't let myself love.  Over time I knew that I needed to change and not be scared or I would be alone for ever.  I didn't plan on falling in love with my exHusband, it just happened and I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to.  It was the most fantastic thing to be in love with someone who I felt loved me back.  I don't know if I will be able to do it again.  Time will tell.

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