The last 2 days have been ok. Not too bad, not too good.
Yesterday ex came over with the 2 steps to visit. I didn't cry, I wasn't even sad. Actually happy at numerous times watching the 4 kids together, they really love and like each other. BBJ1 was happy to see his big brother and sister, he misses them, he missed them before, as they didn't come over as regularly as he would have liked, but it has been over a month since he has seen them which is a long time.
Today my step-mom and step-brother came over to watch the boys while I went to my therapy session. BBJ1 was of course happy, he loves playing with guys, he was pushing me out the door "mommy go now!", with literally a shove. BBJ2 had a bit of a harder time. He was o.k. as long as he was being held, but any attempt to put him down resulted in crying.
I'm finding the therapy a bit weird, but feels good and helpful. I talk and then there is a long pause, and sometimes he says stuff, or asks a question, but he really doesn't say much at all. There are times when he closes his eyes during a pause (mine or sometimes his) and I think "is he falling asleep or is he thinking", one time I almost did an AHEM, but he is just thinking and putting his words together. It reminds me of this boss I once had who literally would fall asleep in meetings, he did once in my annual review session, I did get an unbelievably good review that year. He didn't last very long, and I have no idea if there was stuff going on with him. Weird.
The not so great part of the last 2 days is that BBJ2's sleeping is worse, probably my fault. I have been trying to put him down earlier, since supposedly they will sleep longer and better the earlier you put them down. Instead he is waking up in the middle of the night and being totally awake, trying to crawl around and explore.
Feel like ex and I are working towards being friends. Feels like I am getting better, but not sure if it is real, or my facade.