Friday, 15 April 2011

My Poor Sweet Boy

I feel so sad for my boys, that they don't have their Dad, who they love and want so much, with them.

BBJ2 seems to be o.k., he is only 10 months old and in just less than 4 months he will have spent half his life with Dad and the other half without.  When he is with his Dad, he just melts into him and he doesn't want to let go, however I don't see any indications that it is a problem for him that Dad isn't around all the time.  I am guessing though, that at some point he will understand and want Dad around more, but he will be used to it.  I hope that he will be o.k.

BBJ1 is a whole different ball of wax.  He is sad and angry.  This morning he said he wanted Dad here, he wanted to go to the elevator and meet him, when I told him that Dad wasn't here and wasn't coming he became very angry and hit me.  A phone call helped for a little while, but he brought it up again a few hours later.

This has been really tough.  I have been working really hard to try and help BBJ1 through this.  I have been trying to do everything I can so that he doesn't hate his father for leaving him and for hurting his mom.  It hasn't been easy to do that.  I have been really hurt and angry by what the boys father has done, but I realized that I had the power to influence how BBJ1 feels about his Dad, and I chose for him to love his Dad instead of resenting him.  Since I have made these changes I have seen an improvement, the biggest is that BBJ1 is talking to his Dad during his good-night phone call instead of turning his back to the phone.  The temper tantrums have lessened as well, but they are still there.  The hitting has lessened but it is still there.

When exHusband first left, so many people said that the boys would be fine, that they were so young they would just get used to things.  Bull-Shit!  Are they really going to be o.k. seeing their Dad once a week when they want to see him everyday?  They might get used to it, but that doesn't mean they are o.k.

People said "as long as the boys know that they are loved and that you & exHusband are happy they will be o.k."  I don't know about this one.  Are we both happy?  From what I can see neither of us are happy.   Both of us tell them that we love them all the time,  and I tell them every day that Daddy loves them.  Here is the thing though, you hear the words "I love you" but do you believe them and feel them when the person isn't there?  If you want to hug Dad, and you want to sit and play guitar with him, are the words enough?  I don't know.

And all this just adds to my own pain.  It is heart-breaking to see my sweet little boy so sad.  It makes me sad.  It reminds me that I miss Daddy too, it reminds me that while we all want him here, where we think he belongs, he doesn't want to be here with us.  It puts even more burden on me.  Not only am I taking care of our boys, making sure they are safe and healthy and developing, I also have to ignore my own feelings so that I can take care of their emotions.  I didn't cause their pain but I am the one who sees the sadness, I am the one who gets hit, kicked, bitten in anger, I am the one who has to say the words to soothe them when no one is soothing me.

I want to take their pain, roll it up into a ball and set it on fire so it is gone.  I hope that I am strong enough to help them through this so that they can have happiness in their lives.

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